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AIBU?

To think both sexes are a bit shit?

14 replies

Isthistheworld · 03/09/2022 14:54

Just that really

I am sick of the man bashing when woman I have known as ‘friends’ have treated me worse (and been more sneaky and back-handed about it).

I am sick of giving my all into relationships for them to walk away and sail into the sunset without giving me a second thought.

I am sick of finding out a friend who I invested time and support to has slandered me and been nowhere to be seen when I needed them. This has happened to me during School, University and in my post graduate career.

I was from a very disadvantaged background and reached the top of my game aged 32 - and the social backlash I recieved. Oh my god. You would have thought I shagged one of their husbands. When one of the girls I used to be in a group of friends with found out she refused to look up from her phone to even speak to me. This went on for a few weeks. They ask around to find out how I am doing but never ask me directly. On my birthday when I got my promotion one of them messaged saying ‘So partnership eh?’ Another one said just ‘Haha more money more problems’. All of these woman I have sat with them whilst they cried and providing nothing but support for.
Heart breaking.

I lived alone during the pandemic and parents stayed another city - at the beginning I tried to reach out but just gave up eventually - this and coupled with how they all treated me; I cut my losses and just ghosted them all. They were all coupled up and did even notice.

I bought a new flat and no one offered to help me move despite me asking; I done it myself with a removal guy - I found myself only last week messaging a friend asking if she needed help with her move and stopped myself. Why is it always me?

I live alone and no one bothers me
I opened up to my Mum about it during holidays last week and she started to cry about how poorly these friend and exes have treated me.

I just give up with people now. Whats the point? AIBU in my assessment? Do things get better or did COVID times and my promotion just make me see the reality of humanity in HD?

I am doing my bit to move on and make new friends - joining groups and due to all my alone time I did gym and now have the best body of my life. This has also resulted in a wealth of negativity and rumours - I am now ‘mental’ with ‘an eating disorder’. The only people I seem to be able to connect with are gay woman and gay men - they are the only ones who seem to tolerate me.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

16 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
63%
You are NOT being unreasonable
38%
stormywhethers321 · 03/09/2022 15:27

It seems like you know a bunch of jerks. I don't think sex comes into play here; they're just jerks, regardless of gonads.

MbatataOwl · 03/09/2022 15:37

It sounds like you're really crap at choosing friends and lovers tbh.

Rabblemum · 03/09/2022 15:39

I got a good job and lost my "best friend".

A woman who goes to the same community centre has done some really catty things and then complains when I blank her.

I feel your pain. There is a horrible lack of effusiasm and confidence out there with many women and when you do better they don't like it. These people make a lot of excuses and make no effort.

Sod them, better to be alone than around people who don't want to improve. Maybe keep joining groups until you find your people.

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 15:42

Do you do anything to help your friends? It all seems to be about expectations of them helping you? Have you helped them move house?

Mumspair1 · 03/09/2022 15:42

Yanbu, the vilest experiences I have had in my life have all been with women, from work, to family to friends. On the contrary the best people in my life have been men. So I am very skewed and would never automatically take a women's side as fact first.

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 15:44

And to be honest, I find some of the expectations of friends on here to be really unrealistic.

Ive never helped a friend move house, nor have they helped me. I’ve sent a card and housewarming gift, I’ve gone round once they’ve unpacked a bit to see the place and I’ve also helped paint a couple of rooms. But I’ve never been asked to get stuck in for the day moving boxes etc and I’ve never thought to ask anyone to do it for me.

jetadore · 03/09/2022 15:46

Yes people are generally selfish. The enormous success of capitalism is built on this very trait. Jealousy is also a thing. If you’re successful, expect people being jealous to go with it. I predict you will even see evidence of this in the replies on this thread.
Don't put your happiness in the hands of other people. Don’t put your happiness in other’s opinions of you. Don’t offer help in the expectation of it being reciprocated (either don’t offer at all or make peace with the fact it may be one sided).
People don’t change much, once you’ve seen what a person’s like don’t expect a different outcome next time, you’re just setting yourself up for grief.
There's extensive literature on these subjects, from Buddha to self help books. Happiness comes from within and all that.

Isthistheworld · 03/09/2022 15:47

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 15:42

Do you do anything to help your friends? It all seems to be about expectations of them helping you? Have you helped them move house?

Yep
When one of the most vilest ones was heart broken I flew her away from the weekend - supported her and let her cry to me. She gets a new man the next week and then this behaviour started. I have attended every foreign wedding, been the first at the hospital when they have had children. One of them I would pop in with antibiotics when she was sick and helped get her daughter referred.

Two of them I 'house sat' whilst they went abroad
I have about six sets of keys in my car from feeding various pets around my city

The amount of money, time, support and effort I have given these people - to have been treated like that it makes no sense. My gay friend said from an outsider looking in that it is bullying at its core. And because I have always been so nice and kind they have taken it for weakness and exploited it - resulting in no respect for me.

OP posts:
Thedungeondragon · 03/09/2022 15:49

I think humans in general can be a bit crap whether they are male or female. Hopefully you can now find some better friends.

Discovereads · 03/09/2022 15:52

YANBU
it can be hard to find good friends. I think too many people are wrapped up in online life that they do not make the time for real human connection and friendships. I hope you can find better people to be friends with in future.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/09/2022 15:54

MbatataOwl · 03/09/2022 15:37

It sounds like you're really crap at choosing friends and lovers tbh.

This.

You post isn’t very specific, but the obvious thing is to move forward and focus on making new friends and a new partner.

But you might want to think about why you have chosen backup and what you can do a about in future.

Isthistheworld · 03/09/2022 15:56

Discovereads · 03/09/2022 15:52

YANBU
it can be hard to find good friends. I think too many people are wrapped up in online life that they do not make the time for real human connection and friendships. I hope you can find better people to be friends with in future.

I agree
Every social media post seems to be a humble brag, wedding picture or now the new trend, a divorce party.
Mind you I am sitting here on Mumsnet
To be honest it seems the only place I seem to see alot of people giving good chat to people in my position
I have just seen a thread of someone keeping a pet spider and also the cat forum I like
I am very thankful a forum like this exists so I can just get these thoughts off my chest

OP posts:
AuntMasha · 03/09/2022 15:58

Thedungeondragon · 03/09/2022 15:49

I think humans in general can be a bit crap whether they are male or female. Hopefully you can now find some better friends.

This ^ really. Humans can be utter shites, regardless of genitalia.

Isthistheworld · 03/09/2022 16:00

@Luredbyapomegranate
I have reflected on this during therapy over the past couple of years
Its because I didnt want to be alone and I wanted to fit in
When I reflect on these friendships now I realise there was huge 'red flags' from the get go - essentially the traits I am talking about now were there in buckets when we first met and i ignored them. I remember seeing how a couple treated the juniors at work (by only a couple of years) - it should have sent me running
I was new to the city and very lonely and wanted friends

I am now very choosy when meeting someone new and evaluate them as seriously as a partner - as I know the damage that can be done first hand. Ive lived it!

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