I'm making everyone's lives miserable

[TidesOfLife]

I'm on a real at the moment. I suffer with mental health problems. I'm in medication and I'm having therapy, although my sessions will be ending soon under the current service I'm with. I'm 34 and for the last 17 years, I've struggled with health anxiety, panic attacks, ocd, depression, pnd and recently I've also been looking into adhd.

Despite all those things, I did meet dh and we have two children under 4. My mental health has been really difficult in the last couple of months and I'm in a constant guilt cycle. I feel like I'm just making my husband, children's and parents lives miserable. I cry, I hide away sometimes, I get frustrated, I have to be doing things that help me to escape, just getting out the house. I can't settle. My dh likes to do quiet things and is more of a stay at home person but that just makes me stressed and depressed. So I'm the one who's always pushing us to do things but then he gets unhappy as it effects his mental health (dh suffers from complex ptsd). I've also got into self harming which I haven't told anyone about apart from dh as I'm so scared the children will be put under social services and that I'll lose my jobs which carries responsibilities.

The poor children have to witness my chaotic life with all its ups and downs. They've had to listen to dh and I argue about our mental health. They've seen me cry so often. I just feel like I'm the worst mum and wife for them all to have.

My mum is our rock and I'm incredibly grateful for the support she's given. But it's taken it's toll on her energy levels and I'm always feeling guilty about that.

I just feel like I don't deserve my dh and dc. Maybe I was right all along and I'm not good enough to have a family which I always wanted. The guilt is driving me mad. I sometimes feel like I'm just waiting for dh to say he's had enough and just leave me, meet someone else who will then be a better mum for the children than me.

If anyone met me for the first time, they'd probably think, happy, friendly, sense of humour, sociable, etc. I've been to uni, I have qts, I have a responsibile job (albeit part time now) but the rest of me feels like a dysfunctional mess.

I don't really know what I want from this thread. Maybe just to know if it's common to feel guilt for having mental health problems? Also, was I selfish to want a family when I had mental health problems?

Edit on first line. Should say... I'm on a real low...

Anyone?

I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling, IDK if this will help but I've been where you are. The only thing that really helped was Venlafaxine plus magnesium. Its not the first AD they'll offer you and it doesn't suit everyone, but its good for anxiety and PTSD.

The thing that stood out from your post was the self harm. Look into alternatives, such as squeezing an ice cube, or wearing a rubber band on your wrist to flick, and also look at therapy specifically to tackle it. Its very unlikely that social services will be interested unless you harm yourself extremely severely,

It does get better.

I'm going through this with my DM at the moment. She has Bi-Polar and was first diagnosed 30-odd years ago, when I was a teenager. She has been on 'the level' for many years, but in the last few months has dropped down to the depths of despair.

I have found being her main support hugely re-traumatising - particularly seeing my own teenaged DDs trying to interact with her - as I have always walked on eggshells around her, never wanting to upset her or 'set her off', so have never been able to tell her how it has affected me.

The only advice I would give you would be to lean more on the professionals involved in your care. Call the MH crisis Team. If you are at the stage where you are self harming and the only one who knows is your DH, that's a huge amount of pressure to put on someone who already has PTSD.

If you are as ill as you say you are, then it sounds as if an in-patient stay would be safest for you at the moment. If you had a professional team looking after you full time, it would take the pressure off your DH and would begin to alleviate the guilt you are currently feeling about how your MH is affecting your DC.

I hope you do choose to get some further support, things can, do and will get better.