To think that you can't truly be sorry for something you can't remeber?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

A "friend" was a compete drunken areshole last weekend. I sent a message saying that it was not OK and it was the last straw so our friendship was over. Before anyone asks, yes a friend not a boyfriend etc.

Today I got a message saying that they were sorry for what they had done. When I asked what they where sorry for they said that they couldn't remember but they knew it must have been bad.

I replied saying that I dont accept an apology for something that they dont remember doing and got told "I said sorry, what more do you want?!"

AIBU

Got the message tonight and cant sleep thinking about it.....

And my spelling is all over the place!

She's sorry for upsetting you, that's an apology in itself. Just say whether you want to accept or not and either be friends again or move on. The fact she can't remember means she'll probably repeat it.

They can be sorry for upsetting you. You don’t have to accept the apology if you choose not to.

It's the "what more do you want" bit that's bad

and why didn't she call and apologise and say honestly "I don't know what I did, can you tell me".

"what more do you want" is like saying she's apologised because she thinks she ought to.

It's better than not getting an apology. A family member was very aggressive and abusive to me a few years ago while drunk, it was quite a serious incident in front of witnesses, the police were called and they were taken away to cool off, but not charged. They have never apologised as they said they can't remember what they did so can't apologise. I haven't spoken to them since. As a pp said if they acknowledged that they behaved badly and apologised for upsetting you it's a start at least.

Surely someone told them what they did?

Did you tell them what they did?

i did tell her what she did and got "I cant remember but I am sorry", I cant help thinking that she is sorry for being an arse in public rather than hurting me in person.

Maybe its because I would always get a backwards apology from my abusive ex husband that makes me less forgiving.

I also agree that the "what more do you want" implies that if I dont forgive then I am the arsehole.....double straw on the camels back.

I am done. Thank you

She has apologised for hurting you. You have chosen not to accept that apology for whatever reason. The what more do you want me to do is not a great question, but does she mean it as how else can I show you I am genuinely sorry rather than you are at fault for not accepting it?

Your friend's got a point though, what more do you want? Block and delete if you don't want to continue the friendship.

What else can she do to smooth the waters? It sounds to me like any kind of apology won’t change things - your mind is made up.

Communication sounds a bit odd on both sides. ‘Friend’ probably did need to find out what she needed to apologise for rather than just hoping that a ‘sorry’ would fix things. But you’d told her the friendship was over, so did you need to engage with the apology at all? Alternatively, could you have told her what she’d said that angered you most? Not that you’re the one in the wrong, but what were you wanting from this?

Nah, my DH does this too and it's so disingenuous.

What more do I want? Apart from a sincere apology for their behaviour, I want a fucking acknowledgement their behaviour including getting so drunk they can't remember is the problem and entirely their own doing. That is a good start. Then maybe some reflection on how they'll not do it again in future.

Ugh.

I agree with your friend. What more do you want? Mistakes happen, lots have people have got too drunk and acted in ways they don’t remember. If you don’t want the friendship anymore be clear about that. But yes I think people can be very sorry for something they can’t recall, they are sorry for the consequences of what ever they have done

I call bullshit. People always seem to have selective memory when it comes to drunken antics. I know someone who can always retell all the fun stuff but when they’ve been confronted with something embarrassing it’s always ‘oh I can’t remember’. It’s almost like saying when you can’t remember it didn’t really happen or they’re not fully responsible for what happened.
She remembers, for sure. She just thinks that by saying she doesn’t it absolves her of responsibility. I don’t have the patience for people who regularly ‘can’t remember’ things. They either can’t hold their drink and so aren’t fun on a night out of they are liars. I don’t have time for either .

YANBU, I’m surprised by the poll results!

FIL does this…. ‘Sorry you’re upset, I don’t know what I did’. Especially infuriating after I explicitly TOLD him what he did, after he asked me. So he put me in the uncomfortable position of explicitly spelling out his shit behaviour, at his request, and still ‘doesn’t know’ why I’m not a fan of his 😂😂

People suck!

You've obviously never been blackout drunk. Just because you don't personally haven't experienced something, doesn't mean other people don't. 😆

I'd tell you to fuck off and be glad somebody so judgemental wasn't my friend anymore tbh

Sorry didn't read properly ignore my last message and sorry if I've offended you

Beanie "She just thinks that by saying she doesn’t it absolves her of responsibility."

exactly, when a decent person can't recall doing something awful, you can see if they're mortified when they are told what they did. People who just shrug and say "I can't remember" don't care what they did.

Well in a sense I get what she's saying although she has said it bluntly... What more do you want? Just because your angry with her that isn't going to make her suddenly remember it. All she can do is say she's sorry for upsetting you. And yeah regarding the selective memory thing a pp said by the time you get to doing the embarrassing shit you are way more at the point of recalling it the next day than you are when you are all having fun.

*point of not recalling it

That should say