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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm in the wrong today but what about always?

10 replies

grrsoangry · 02/09/2022 23:01

Me and dp had a beautiful relationship however I was in a very abusive relationship before and I will admit and as current dp was very loving I would often push him away.

Anyway we got pregnant before Christmas last year found out late and realised we would be 15 weeks before able to get an abortion (I feel evil typing this whilst cuddling my month old daughter).

He started going out every weekend in the pregnancy Friday and Saturday to the point I couldn't stand him. Then we basically drifted apart, this fully broke me as I was heavily pregnant.

We started to get close again after she was born and however yesterday I fully erupted (I was sleep deprived and he doesn't live with me so I care for her plus an older child 24:7). However, I was saying how he left me at my most vunrable and I'm struggling to let it go. He then told me how he went out because I used to push him away at the start of our relationship. Which went on to anger me more because he led me on during my pregnancy. I paid for a holiday for us to go on and he promised on that holiday to change and went out the night we was home 😂.

I am completely inlove with this man. However I can't tell if I'm unfair and I should apologise for yesterday and hope we can fix us. Or move on.

I know no one knows the ins and outs and there is a baby involved. However due to my previous abusive relationship my lines are very blurred and I feel like I don't know when I'm the toxic person or when they are.

Sorry if this is a ramble and hard to read just led at home crying whilst he is at the pub feeling so angry and upset at him and myself.

OP posts:
AlexandriasWindmill · 02/09/2022 23:06

Congratulations on your DD Flowers

But you're not in love with him. You're in love with who he pretended to be at the beginning of the relationship. If you had a friend whose DP left her when pregnant, floated in and out of her life, left her to cope alone with their new baby whilst he prioritised going out to the pub, wouldn't you think she deserved better? So do you. Coping with a new baby is difficult enough. You don't need the added stress and gaslighting that he's bringing you. And he won't change. He keeps showing you who he is. Make arrangements for when he can see the baby and don't engage with him about anything else.

LIZS · 02/09/2022 23:10

How long have you been together? It sounds like he resents your dd and in turn abandoned you all at a time when you needed , and continue to want, his support. He cannot or will not offer this and is choosing a single life. Sorry but I doubt there is a way to reconcile this.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 02/09/2022 23:12

Don't think of it as love, think of it as addiction. You are finding it as hard to get rid of him as someone might find it to stop drinking.

With alcohol it's usually best to go cold turkey. I think that's what you have to do with this complete waste of space.

You are much much stronger than you think you are and you are really worth someone much better than that guy.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2022 23:12

This isn't love, op. You are not in love with this man, and you don't know what real love truly is. I'm sorry to be blunt, but it's true. A man who isn't as abusive as your ex can still be abusive.

End this, get to know yourself, get help/therapy, and don't get into a relationship until you can make good choices, for you and your children.

ManateeFair · 02/09/2022 23:13

YANBU. He’s gaslighting you. He didn’t start
going out constantly during your pregnancy because you ‘pushed him away at the start of the relationship’ at all. He did it because he didn’t want to be a dad and decided he’d just let you deal with all the responsibility while he carried on acting like a single guy.

OP, you are not the one in the wrong here. He has no intention of changing. He’s using you. You deserve better than this.

Original poster
grrsoangry · 03/09/2022 00:29

AlexandriasWindmill · 02/09/2022 23:06

Congratulations on your DD Flowers

But you're not in love with him. You're in love with who he pretended to be at the beginning of the relationship. If you had a friend whose DP left her when pregnant, floated in and out of her life, left her to cope alone with their new baby whilst he prioritised going out to the pub, wouldn't you think she deserved better? So do you. Coping with a new baby is difficult enough. You don't need the added stress and gaslighting that he's bringing you. And he won't change. He keeps showing you who he is. Make arrangements for when he can see the baby and don't engage with him about anything else.

Thank you so much xx

OP posts:
Original poster
grrsoangry · 03/09/2022 00:30

LIZS · 02/09/2022 23:10

How long have you been together? It sounds like he resents your dd and in turn abandoned you all at a time when you needed , and continue to want, his support. He cannot or will not offer this and is choosing a single life. Sorry but I doubt there is a way to reconcile this.

I fully agree he is the one asking me to be a proper family and I was so close to saying yes but I don't believe he really wants it x

OP posts:
Original poster
grrsoangry · 03/09/2022 00:32

ManateeFair · 02/09/2022 23:13

YANBU. He’s gaslighting you. He didn’t start
going out constantly during your pregnancy because you ‘pushed him away at the start of the relationship’ at all. He did it because he didn’t want to be a dad and decided he’d just let you deal with all the responsibility while he carried on acting like a single guy.

OP, you are not the one in the wrong here. He has no intention of changing. He’s using you. You deserve better than this.

Thank you so much I blocked his number and I will message him with a day to see his daughter and I won't have any further contact thank you for your kind words and support xx

OP posts:
Original poster
grrsoangry · 03/09/2022 00:33

Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2022 23:12

This isn't love, op. You are not in love with this man, and you don't know what real love truly is. I'm sorry to be blunt, but it's true. A man who isn't as abusive as your ex can still be abusive.

End this, get to know yourself, get help/therapy, and don't get into a relationship until you can make good choices, for you and your children.

I do go to the freedom programme only done one week but I am trying. I think it's so hard I was abused as a child too so I full for the over protective men (which is 99% control) and I'm learning. I don't even want a relationship I just didn't want to throw away a family x

OP posts:
Original poster
grrsoangry · 03/09/2022 00:36

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 02/09/2022 23:12

Don't think of it as love, think of it as addiction. You are finding it as hard to get rid of him as someone might find it to stop drinking.

With alcohol it's usually best to go cold turkey. I think that's what you have to do with this complete waste of space.

You are much much stronger than you think you are and you are really worth someone much better than that guy.

Yes that's what I'm starting to feel like it's more attachment then love. Just I think that fairy tail of the family is what is keeping me but I have just deleted his number blocked him. And I will send him the days to see our daughter on email. He will worm his way in, he played a video of the best moments in our relationship as I was pushing out our daughter and left 10 minutes after to go go karting 😂😂 j just need to open my eyes x

OP posts:
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