Does this mean the love has gone?

[WobblyWellies]

Firstly, I'm terrible for comparing myself to others. I'm an anxious person and I often give myself a hard time over things.
So my best friend has been in a serious relationship for nearly a year. Her and her partner have recently moved in together and are expecting their first baby next year and they're naturally over the moon. They're so loved up and happy. They go on romantic dates and holidays. He's incredibly caring and attentive. It all 'seems' idealic and I'm really pleased for her because she's late 30s and had almost given up finding 'the one'. But when I compare my own relationship, it feels like we don't have the love and care that they do.

My dh and I have been together 5 years. We got engaged after 6 months, moved in together and our ds was born exactly one year after we got together. So it was all fairly quick. Dd was then born a couple of years later. So we have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. We both work. Both exhausted a lot of the time. Don't get much time to ourselves or to go out as just a couple. It feels like life is now just about surviving with young children everyday and functioning as a family. Romance (be it holding hands, going out, kissing, sex, chatting for fun as a couple) is all very occasional now. We have had a difficult 5 years with mental health issues, family moving away, job changes, moving house, babies coming along, ds with possible sen. It's been full on.

I know comparing is bad but I look at my friend and think, does she have true love? Have dh and I lost the love we had at the beginning?

You are literally comparing chalk and cheese! A) comparing at all is always a stupid idea and B) you’d need to think back to when you were 3 or 4 months pregnant with your first DC to do a comparison anyway.

i suspect she probably envies you and your anchored, fulfilled life of children and long-lasting partnership.

Give your head a wobble, give your DH some TLC, and focus on getting your friend march fit for the many challenges about to come her way.

You're at completely different life stages. You have two young kids, she has no kids as yet. You're bound to be busy and knackered. You just need to find a way to re-connect with your partner as a couple. Have you spoken to him about where you'd like your relationship to be v where it is at the moment? There's a lot to be said for talking!

I know comparing is stupid. I suppose it's because our relationship started off in a very similar way to my friends relationship. But it feels like there was more love at the beginning than there is now for us. Maybe it's how I'm defining our love. I guess my friend hasn't yer encountered anything to test her relationship or rock the boat at all, whereas myself and dh have been through a lot together and got through it. Maybe that's what I need to remind myself.

They have been together for a year of course its wonderful. They don't even really know each other yet.

I'm old and have been married enough years to know that married love ebbs and flows. It's not steady - some days you'll look at your DH and melt, other days you'll feel cold as ice.

It's pretty simple to kick-start it, if you're essentially a happy couple. You just need a good shag, a few good conversations (not necessarily about your relationship, just about you and your lives in general), and loads of compliments and laughter.

Sadly kids your age ruin all those things.

There's a theory that one 90-minute chat a week keeps couples happy. Could you create that? Instead of a film this weekend, could you just sit and chat? And then (ideally) shag? Then whoever's up first the next morning brings the other one a coffee and says "I fancy the arse off you"?

You know, the stuff your best friend and her BF are doing all the time...

It’s not that there is more love, it’s just that the love has mellowed somewhat. Love doesn’t need to be loud and showy with PDAs, mini-breaks and guest urge, it can be comfortable and knowing that even when you’ve had a shit day they’re there by your side to pick you up and put you back together again.
Real love matures as we mature, and one day when the children aren’t so small you’ll have more freedom to have a bit more spontaneity again.
Remember to make time for each other and yourselves too and you’ll remember why you’re together.

*romantic gestures