To think I'm just not cut out for romantic relationships?

[impendingdoomp]

I'm feeling really deflated and defeated recently. I'm a 30 year old single mum to a 9 year old girl, I have a good career that I worked hard at uni for seven years for, skint and struggling. I have amazing friends and family, a good social life, always something to do etc. I have been single for the past 6 years. And have generally been very happy being single.

Every relationship I had up until 6 years ago ended up with me being hurt (either by their behaviour or my own which causes the relationship to end). Break ups seem to have a really detrimental impact on my mental health, I find them all consuming and quite often found myself losing my dignity and self respect. The last break up I had I remember my daughter being 3 and me crying on the stairs because he had left me and me being unable to even move cause I was so upset and I remember saying in my head that that was the last time I'm ever going to let someone have this amount of influence over my emotions.

So I stayed away from men for 6 years really except the odd one night stand. However, recently I met a guy on a night out. We got into a 'friends with benefits' situation which is what suited us both. Would see him every few weekends when my daughter was at her dads.

However, he has suddenly went very cold on me, busy on the dates I ask him to come over and isn't making any arrangements with me anymore. This is fine and rationally he doesn't owe me a thing and I have respected that and backed right off. I'm sat here tonight though feeling so depressed, like something is wrong with me, missing him (wtf?) And just wondering why men can't ever stick around.

I feel like I was strong those 6 years, I loved not having to message a guy, not having to shave for them, or diet for them or have any expectations put on me. But now I feel like I'm back at square one and miserable again without a man. I feel like im so grumpy tonight and snapping at my daughter and keep checking his WhatsApp to see if he is online (he knows none of this obviously and never will).

AIBU to see think im mentally and emotionally just not strong enough for any sort of romantic/sexual interaction with men as I feel crushed when they leave even if it was casual or I haven't known them long? Should I just get back to being the happy person I was 3 months ago before I met him? How?

[Introvertedandalone]

I don’t have any words of advice but I could have written your post. Right down to FWB going cold lately and irritably checking WhatsApp. Feeling so much solidarity with you, it’s hard isn’t it. When I think about how hard I’m taking this I agree I don’t think I could ever manage a full on relationship again. It’s tough isn’t it.

[impendingdoomp]

@Introvertedandalone

I don’t have any words of advice but I could have written your post. Right down to FWB going cold lately and irritably checking WhatsApp. Feeling so much solidarity with you, it’s hard isn’t it. When I think about how hard I’m taking this I agree I don’t think I could ever manage a full on relationship again. It’s tough isn’t it.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same thing but also glad that someone understands and feels the same. It's very difficult, no matter how much I try to be casual and not get emotionally attached, I just do and then always end up hurt. It's like a physical pain and I can't shift it other than wait it out. It's miserable that I'm sat here on a Friday night, this time 3/4 months ago I'd of been glad it was the weekend and doing something with my Friday night, whether watching a film or having dinner with my daughter or out with the girls. Now I'm just sat here miserable, wondering what he's doing and not being able to enjoy anything else as my mind is constantly on that. I definitely couldn't do a serious relationship again, this has just reinforced that.

I always wonder why men go so cold all of a sudden? It's so strange, I'm sure women do it too of course but I always encounter it with men to the point it's very predictable but doesn't hurt any less.

[Introvertedandalone]

You’re so right, it’s a genuine physical pain isn’t it! And definitely stops you doing other things. Some days I forget about it and have a lovely time, and then I remember and go right back to square one.

nothing’s worth this is it? I’m agreeing with you. Single life is far easier

[HangOnToYourself]

I can really empathise, ny last break nearly finished me, like you say a physical pain. It was 3 years ago and I still.dont feel.entirely over it. I am in a relationship now but terrified that if it ends I wont be able to handle it. It's like grief and it's all.consuming. I'm not going to sit hear and say put yourself out there you might meet someone because that's not a helpful sentiment. I do hope you find some balance with it, I think some people are just very deeply effected by relationships and for me I think I have a huge fear of rejection and abandonment because of my childhood that probably started me.off being that way.

[VladmirsPoutine]

I know it's often trotted out but having therapy especially around this area can be very beneficial. Relationships can really throw us off balance. I've reconciled that I can be very happy single or having relationships only on my own terms. I think there's a finite amount of love and heartbreak one person can tolerate.

[Sunnyqueen]

Yanbu. I'm totally done and happy that way honestly. I'll have the odd no strings hook up when I feel the need other than that men can do one. I may try again when my youngest gets to late teens but that's a good decade away.

[impendingdoomp]

Glad to know I'm not alone in my thinking

[IrishladyNE]

I’m the same down to your child’s age and I have been single for 7 years. I’ve always been like that but I don’t think I can afford to be when I have a child.

I think I’m giving up on it too. Dating site definitely do not work. They might for a small percentage but mostly it’s mens telling you what you want to hear then disappearing.

[SwissRole123]

I'm exactly the same OP. I'm content and capable on my own, but whenever I (rarely) have feelings for someone it affects me very badly. My last break up was so upsetting for me even though it was me who wanted to end it and he was the one heartbroken. The one before that was someone I did love and having to let go of the bond I had with him absolutely blew me to pieces. Over 2.5 years later I'm only just starting to really recover. I really can't see myself in another relationship again.

I had a very stable, loving and safe childhood. The only thing I can think of is that everytime a relationship ends it's just another reminder that I've failed to obtain the same security in adulthood as I was fortunate enough to have as a child.

[Orangio]

Is it maybe about walking a fine balance between not overinvesting in the relationship but still feeling hopeful that it might work out? So guard your heart by telling yourself that this relates may not be the one. You can control your feelings to some extent by deliberately not taking actions which increase those feelings. For example, if sex makes you fall heavily 'in love', don't have sex for quite a while. Or if giving away lots of your deepest feelings increases the amount you love them, don't confide things to them until you're more sure they're a keeper. Just examples but you get the drift. You can't stop all feeling towards them, and you wouldn't want to, but you can limit it, and limit the damage if the relationship doesn't work out.

Also, what a pp said about being happy single is very important. Acknowledge that you are enough for yourself and your child, and that you can have a good life without a partner. Settle that in your head. Then decide if you want to add another layer of greatness to your already great life, and look for a truly great partner. Don't settle! No partner is infinitely better than the wrong partner.

Good luck OP.

[impendingdoomp]

How are you feeling today?