Is there a good way to give this advise, should I give it at all?

[FruitTwistandShake]

Hi all, I am a first time poster, a friend of mine told me this might be a good forum for my dilemma so here I am. I am still learning all the shorthand so please excuse any errors.

I have 2 daughters 8 and 5 and my friend has 2 sons who are 8 and 3. It was clear quite early on that her son was a little different to my daughter, especially as they are the same age. He is erratic at times, self comforts a lot by hugging his arms, avoids eye contact and really struggles in loud/crowded scenarios.

My friend has been told by nursery and every teacher since reception that she should get him assessed as he needs a lot of extra help and for the past 4 years she has been saying it is a phase. I usually just nod along when she says all of this as I do not want to add to her frustration, but now I feel that her lack of ability to accept he is SEN is actually harming him.

How can I raise it with her without potentially destroying this friendship. I am concerned that if she keeps burying her head in the sand he is going to miss out on key support that could really help him.

I just re-read and want to say that he is unbelievably bright, can tell you everything worth knowing about helicopters and he has moments of being incredibly loving. I just wanted to say some lovely things about him because he is a special little boy.

Any advise would be appreciated.

Arggh Advice - not Advise - this word is my nemesis!

Honestly, I wouldn’t say anything but I would report anonymously to social services. She’s in denial and needs help and support herself.

My friend has been told by nursery and every teacher since reception that she should get him assessed

I'd say, "why not just get him assessed to shut them up?" and see how resistant she actually is. Denial is a strong response.

I would test it out with an open neutral question like…
“Do you think you might look into assessment like the teacher suggested”?
Then judge from her response if she wants your input or not and leave it there if her response makes it clear she doesn’t want to discuss it.

to be honest I’d leave it to the professional at school to deal with unless she makes it clear she wants your input beyond a sympathetic listening ear.

That's a tricky one. Teachers are the best people to raise it I think, which they have. Such a sensitive topic to discuss as a friend. I don't think I'd bring it up, I'm sure she is well aware and just struggling to get her head around it.

If she raises it again, it may be worth her knowing that most areas have long waiting lists for assessments (years rather than months) - would she be open to putting him on the waiting list now, with a 'wait and see' kind of approach do you think? Then when he got to the top of the list, she would either be glad of the assessment before he moves to secondary, or else could turn it down if she didn't feel he needed it? Perhaps she could find out from the school what her local waiting lists are like.

I wouldn't do this! This would potentially drop a bomb into a family when a conversation would suffice. If SS involvement was necessary, the school will do it.

I like this idea. Although I would wait until she speaks about it and say 'Again? How annoying. If I was you I would be tempted to get him assessed, just to prove them wrong!'

I thank you all for your responses and you ware all touching on the reason I have held back, she is a really lovely lady and her boys are so well looked after. I just do not want her to think everyone is against her.

At the end of the last school term he was excluded from quite a large birthday party and another mum had mentioned they were surprised as 'the whole class was there'. She was very upset for him and to be honest I was shocked as even though he has some obvious SEN behaviours he is not out of control, just needs a little more talking to and reasoning.

She asked me what I thought and I mentioned that if it was causing her worry maybe she should go ahead with the assessment. Where we live you can have pre-assessment - almost like a triage and then they look in to the best next steps. She got upset and defensive with me and I assured her that I was being supportive.

We had a friend who a few years ago voiced a very archaic opinion about how SEN was all rubbish and these kids were 'just naughty' and I worry this has clouded her judgement.

I would just leave it to her and the school.

I have a friend who doesn’t want her SEN child diagnosed as she doesn’t want him to be ‘labelled’ whereas my point of view is the other children know he is a bit different and a ‘label’ could help them to be more understanding of his behaviour (that he is not just naughty). It also accesses extra support which can take a long time to get so it’s best to be on that path and have the option there even if it’s not necessary later on.

so basically I say I understand her point of view but I would consider it due to those reasons.

This may well be helpful.

Some people don’t want assessment as they want to avoid their child being labelled. I have some friends like that. I have voiced my thoughts that their child is on the spectrum and it might be worth an assessment but they have chosen not to. I have chosen that route for dd. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can't. There are professionals who are advising her and she is resistant to them. She not going to hear it from a friend who is a lay person. It's obviously a subject she's not open to at present so if you push she will close you down (or out.) Unless you observe something that means her child is at risk of harm, then I'd leave this well alone.

My niece is almost certainly autistic. She’s a lovely girl (now teenaged) but has exhibited challenging behaviours all her life and suffered from bullying etc all the way through school. My sister knows fine well that she has additional needs but prefers to define her as ‘quirky’.

She has a deep seated fear of her child being ‘labelled’ and any attempt, however gentle, to discuss it with her results in accusations of unkindness. IMHO she is denying her daughter the opportunity to have an insight into and understanding of her condition, which could potentially help her in life, but my sister finds the issue so unbearably confronting that she won’t hear of it.

Unfortunately your friend has shown the same level of sensitivity, and whilst she remains fearful and close-minded, there’s little you can do without risking your friendship. When someone knows there’s something different about their child but won’t acknowledge it, anything you say will be perceived as an attack on the child (and by extension, on them).

Sadly, the parent’s anxiety and over-protectiveness doesn’t help the children, but it’s such a hot button it’s almost impossible for anyone but professionals to intervene. You sound like a lovely friend btw.

Does she know any parents of children with neurodiversities like autism? My eldest is autistic and honestly having a diagnosis has been nothing but positive for him, although the process itself was pretty hard. I have spoken to parents of a child younger than mine when asked to by school to discuss what the process was like, how it felt and how it has helped my child. If she was open to it and school could put her in touch with someone I wonder if she’d listen to someone who’s also dealt with the same behaviour, the same worries and doubts and fears - it’s very hard to hear a parent of typical children say they think there’s something “wrong” with yours.

It depends a bit whether she recognises there’s an issue but doesn’t want it “labelled” or whether she just doesn’t see an issue at all. I know some parents though who just can’t accept any suggestion their child needs assessment or any extra help of any kind and I think all you can do is be a good friend. Sadly it might eventually come to a point where it all blows up at her (transition to secondary for example) and she’ll need friends.

Honestly, I wouldn’t say anything but I would report anonymously to social services

As a parent OP's friend has the right to decline specialist assessment for Autism and other SEN for her child. The School and other professionals can advise that an assessment would be beneficial, but she cannot be compelled to take their advice. I work in a school and it's not uncommon for parents to refuse assessments, they have their reasons and although I may not agree with them I have to accept that they are entitled to make decisions for their own child and it's not my place to judge whether their reasons are 'good enough'. Unless there is evidence that OP's friends child is at immediate risk of significant harm this is not a safeguarding issue.

I wouldn't contact Social Services as she is a great mum and I do not think this would be any encouragement to her. I really like her and as a couple of you have said I do not want to risk her feeling like I do not support her. He is not in danger, just maybe missing out on some key support. I think if she mentions it to me again I will encourage her to get him assessed in a 'prove them wrong' kind of way but I will just be her friend. Thank you for the measured advise it has been really helpful.