We’ve been married 8 years, together 12 and have 2 children, 4 and 2. I don’t have family except a brother who I’m close to but doesn’t live near us. When DH and I got together he was keen for me to develop relationships with his family and I tried. His parents were welcoming and made an effort to make me feel a part of the family. His 3 sisters though have always on the face of it been welcoming (when DH is around) but take every opportunity to let me know I’m not family and they don’t like me. It’s never been anything overt so I’ve just put up with it over the years, it didn’t bother me really, I didn’t marry them so I ignored them.
Some of the things they do, often arrange family girl days out for MIL and SILs, spa, theatre etc. In 12 years I’ve never been invited, well actually I have been invited to a couple but then before the actual event I get’ accidentally’ dropped out the email chains arranging it and then no-one mentions it again until after the event has passed then it’s all ‘oh what a shame we messed up the invites and you missed it, you’ll need to come to the next one'. If they want to go out together that’s fine but why do they feel the need to let me know I’m not welcome. It’s not like it’s just time for them, they invite other extended family members and in laws.
Family photos rarely include me, sometimes I get ‘forgotten’ other times they say straight out they just want family in the photos. When I arrive at events they ignore me for a good half hour when I arrive, even if I’m sitting next to them, they sit gossiping until they pretend to notice me. When DH and I are invited out as a couple with them and their DHs, which rarely happens thank god, no-one talks to us all evening, the sisters go off to gossip, the BILs go off to play pool or smoke outside and DH and I may as well have been on a date night the two of us. The list goes on and on, there are many small ways to let someone know they're not wanted as we all know.
Now to why I’m writing, my babies, there are 7 children between the 3 sisters and our 2 and it’s becoming more apparent ours are treated differently. The cousins go out together on a weekly basis, go on holidays, days out, sleep overs, hang out at each other’s houses which are like second homes and ours are never invited.
They all buy great presents for each other’s kids, as do we, all spending £25-35 per child. However, 2 of the sisters have never spent over £10 on ours. Their aunts and uncles never interact with our kids but are like second parents to each other’s. PIL seem to have picked up on SILs dislike for me and have just started ignoring me really, they are terrified of doing anything that may upset ‘the girls’. They make an effort with the kids, but it’s obvious they’re closer to and prefer to be with their daughters’ families, which I kind of get.
How do I navigate this, when it was just me they were vile to then fuck them it doesn’t make any difference to my life but honestly worrying over my kids relationships with them and how they are going to be made to feel in future is really affecting my mental health. These are the only family my children have and I can just see years of them feeling like second class citizens when they start to notice. Which the older one has to be honest, she didn't even realise the eldest SIL was her aunt until a couple of weeks ago as they've never really spoken although that particular SIL is practically a second mum to her other 2 nieces.
DH knows all this, wants to ignore it and them as much as possible, only going to bigger family events. I’ve said I don’t want to go to any which he’s accepted and understands. I don’t really want my kids round them at all, no family is better than a passive aggressive and shit family, which is probably unreasonable. Any advice appreciated!
Went on longer than intended to and didn't even tell you all the shit stuff they do but then they'd probably only read it and hate me even more :)