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AIBU?

Always the black sheep of the family ....

8 replies

LadyGreyHair · 02/09/2022 15:25

I'll try to keep this brief. I'm the black sheep of the family, left home at 18 have been self sufficient since. I have one younger brother who stayed home until he married (I think he was around 26 - in the years when it was much less common to stay at home for that length of time). He's their blue eyed boy, never did any wrong whereas I never did anything right.

I've never asked my parents for anything, they are not wealthy but comfortable, holiday every year, own their own home, not hard up.

My parents were never really involved or interested with either of us during our growing up years. No interest in schooling. Never encouraged to go onto further education. I went straight into work at 16, brother did a college course and then into a job.

I have no children but am happily married with own home and usual commitments. Neither of us are big earners but we get by. Brother earns a big salary, has a big mortgage and a spendy wife. He also has four children. They live beyond their means (brother tells me) and often ask parents for handouts.

The eldest of my nephews has just passed his GCSE's and he's done really well I'm really pleased for him as he's a lovely young man. My parents are much more involved with their grandchildren than they ever were with me (and brother to be fair). They mentioned they have a Uni fund for their grandchildren and have always been very generous with gifts for them over the years. They have also given brother and his wife a few thousand pounds to help with house renovations they were asked to help with. When each of the four children were born brother got a large cash gift. Obviously I never had kids so didn't get a bean.

I might sound really selfish but AIBU to be slightly resentful that brother and his family get way more from my parents than I ever have either when I was a child or since? I think I'm most resentful of the Uni fund - I feel I could have achieved much more in life if I'd been encouraged to go to Uni but it was simply never mentioned. I'm much too old now to go back to full time studies and I really couldn't afford it.

Be gentle, I don't want to sound horrible and grabby, I'm just a bit saddened by it all.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

13 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
15%
You are NOT being unreasonable
85%
PowerHits · 02/09/2022 15:37

I think you're right to be sad, it's all very unfair. When parents give handouts of money it can feel like handouts of love and care so I don't blame you for feeling sad about it at all.

LadyGreyHair · 02/09/2022 15:45

Thank you @PowerHits that's put much better than I did. I think it's the love and care that was missing more than the money and it's caused me to feel resentful even though I'd never let them know and don't even want to admit it to myself to be honest.

OP posts:
GoodVibesHere · 02/09/2022 15:55

Ugh I hate that term black sheep of the family, it always feels racist to me, like black = bad

PowerHits · 02/09/2022 15:55

My partner went through similar. It stings and is hurtful but there's not much you can do to change it - he tried talking to his parents but they point blank refused to discuss it at all. He was upset and hurt but time has passed now and he has come to terms with it. It did fundamentally change his relationship with his parents though, they still had one but it wasn't ever quite the same again.

LadyGreyHair · 02/09/2022 16:09

GoodVibesHere · 02/09/2022 15:55

Ugh I hate that term black sheep of the family, it always feels racist to me, like black = bad

I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend. I didn't mean to be racist at all.

OP posts:
JimJamJollyWolly · 02/09/2022 16:39

LadyGreyHair · 02/09/2022 16:09

I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend. I didn't mean to be racist at all.

I don't think it is a racist term at all. I have used it for years and I checked the meaning on a few websites after I saw that post, it does not have racist connotations that I see.

JoshuaTree36 · 02/09/2022 16:50

No, it merely means 'odd one out'

I wish I had the opportunity to go to Uni, OP - I left home at 15. Not my choice I might add

GoodVibesHere · 02/09/2022 18:31

LadyGreyHair · 02/09/2022 16:09

I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend. I didn't mean to be racist at all.

Sorry, I hit post too soon and then got caught up with something else. I know you didn't mean to offend, and I also don't think the phrase originates from racist meanings, it's just a phrase that doesn't sit well with me. I didn't mean to end my post so abruptly. It gets me thinking how 'black' = evil and 'white' = pure. A bit like the phrase 'tell a white lie' which seems to suggest that anything white is good.

Regarding your family situation yes it sucks. It's really mean, and no wonder you feel hurt.

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