TW Childness not by choice

[Sanpellogrino99]

I am 36/F and have struggled to find a long term partner due to various circumstances - them being arseholes mainly without going into details.

Friends know I would have killed to find a partner to have children with; and even went for AMH and ovarian reserve as young as 32/33 to assess options. Both of these friends have a partner and got married this Summer. I am happy for them. Call them A and B.

A seems to entirely sabotage any prospect I have of meeting anyone - from discouraging friend of friend dates, telling me to avoid online dating, monitoring my Whatsapp last seen in the evening and asking who I am speaking to. Anytime I went on one date with a guy she would be messaging me incessently asking if ‘he was ready to settle down’. I pulled back from my friendship with her in many ways. She has since taken to message me now about ‘her fertility concerns’ and how she feels ‘she will struggle to concieve at her age’. (She is younger than me). I really did the best I could to signpost her to the local clinic for reassurance but explained I found it hard to talk any further due to me being older than her, and very very single looking at other options. I felt guilty for being unable to offer any further support to her and shutting her down.

B said similar to me about her age and fertility - same age as me and I think she settled to have a family and children.

I feel the childless not by choice (conventially anyway) have many struggles with the grief, loneliness and sadness that some people do not fully empathise with. I appreciate its a journey not everyone is on and its perhaps unconsious. My question is AIBU to feel people should be a bit more sensitive?

My sister seen this play out in her place of work with a woman in her 30s who was lovely - childless not by choice - she found out the Mums at work had a whatsapp group ‘Mums of X (workplace name)’ and she had not been invited. It seems families who go on the IVF journey have a wealth of support from friends and family through a tough and heartbreaking journey, and the CNBC as sort of pitied and left to get on with things alone.

I appreciate this is a hugely emotive topic and would welcome any responses who feel I should offer a bit more tact regarding my friends asking for fertility advice with their main concern being age - I also know many people have had a painful journey with IVF and I apologise if I habe triggered anyone here

my life just feels heart breaking really. I know I may meet someone and it all goes OK for me. I feel some people assume (wrongly) you do not want children, when actually the opposite is true - you wanted children so badly you would never compromise on who that childs father could be. I knew a few posters on here are single mothers by choice, I have read lots and have the funds to do it - I just do not feel I can with the lack of support I have socially at the moment.

And stop caring what people will think about it.

You are still young, it is good you are thinking about your options and doing your best to meet a partner but stop stressing yourself too much - you are not at a desperate point age-wise yet! Relax, enjoy your dates, pick men smartly and see what happens. I wouldn't tell these two friends too much about your dates until something shapes up, or laugh off their comments and try not to take them personally

You can of course tell your friends that it’s hard for you to discuss fertility given your circumstances.

However - it’s not what I mostly wanted to tell you. What you say makes no sense to me:
‘you wanted children so badly you would never compromise on who that childs father could be’

I have kids. I am divorced. So are; apparently 50% parents/families that have kids currently in the U.K.

I think you have some romantic notion about some ideal parent to your child. That person doesn’t exist, or is unlikely to exist. And - at least half of the people who thought they found that ‘right’ person - have been wrong.

Over the years - I have seen friends like you - dismissing men for this or that reason. Then have kids on their own with IVF. Nothing wrong with that path, of course.
But I wondered - if they actually met the men whose sperm they used - would they have dismissed them?

I have probably settled when I married my ex. He wasn’t bad; I just had a broken heart at the time and didn’t necessarily feel over the moon: But he was a good and solid partner and we could have made it work.
i don’t regret it, despite the divorce.
We have two great kids.

Please start living your life as you want it, not by how others think you should be living it. Ditch friend A - she sounds like such a bitch. B isn't much better.
If you want a baby and you have the right support and financial means then absolutely do it alone.

Good luck OP.
Go it alone. Do it now. No need to tell A and B. You don't need their permission.