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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL told DH she never wanted him to marry me

24 replies

Pennyhill22 · 02/09/2022 11:20

As the title says. DH and myself are together 23 years and married for 15, 3DC aged 10,12 and 14. Recently my DH told me that his mother said she never wanted him to marry me. I was obviously upset at the time but now I want to ask her why. She has been very difficult throughout our relationship and has treated me appallingly at times. I have tried over the years to get along with her but can never relax and she is always ready to pounce on me about something.

About 5 years ago we had a huge argument and I told her she wasn't welcome in our home and how she has hurt me over the years. She ramped up her hate campaign by telling lies about me to our children. DH confronted her and she denied everything and said we were toxic.

I've seen her sporadically since ,usually at other family events and I keep my distance. She will either ignore me or be over the top and act like she's my best friend. I know I shouldn't care because she's just a nasty person but I want to ask her why she didn't want DH to marry me. She has been unwell recently so it's not the right time.

Should I just let it go or wait until the time is right to ask her.

OP posts:

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 02/09/2022 11:23

Personally I wouldn't give her the satisfaction you give a fuck.. Letting her know you give her headspace wouldn't be my thing!
When we told mil I was pregnant she waited until dh had left the room then hissed at me his ex wanted his babies!!
I never told dh.
She backed away from us anyway and never bothered with ds.
Haven't seen her for over 7 years.. She got what she deserved... Nothing.
Keep her well away op.

KnackeredHag · 02/09/2022 11:27

I feel your pain and could have written your post. My MIL is toxic, last week said to her cousin that my husband never wanted to marry me, I forced him and had to drag him to the States to get married. It was actually my husbands’ idea to get married abroad, and he was more keen on marriage than I! She is nasty about me to anyone who will listen, despite me doing more for her than all her children put together. She too is awaiting a diagnosis (of absolutely nothing, huge hypochondriac who mysteriously gets ill when there’s no attention on her) so we are keeping shtum until she’s told yet again that there is nothing wrong with her. Sorry I’ve derailed the thread with no advice whatsoever but just letting you know I’m standing with you in spirit and will be watching the thread for some good advice.

it doesn’t help that she lives in the annexe of my house so I can hear her slating me daily 😂😂😂

BobinogBobbleHat · 02/09/2022 11:30

Have a think about whether there is any possible answer to the question which would be satisfactory to you. There isn't is there? I can't imagine there's anything she could say which would make you think 'oh yes, that makes sense', so what good would it do you to ask?

It would just give her another opportunity to spout bile at you, so I'd avoid.

I would be wondering why DH decided to tell you though.

MyLifeIsFictional · 02/09/2022 11:31

I would be wondering why DH decided to tell you though

Yes. There was no need for him to say anything. 🧐

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/09/2022 11:33

She makes up lies about you to your own children. You knew this already, she clearly doesnt like you, she would have wanted her son to marry you if she did. You could get your husband to ask her, if he wants an answer...but I'm not sure it will make you feel any better. If you ask her directly I dont think she will tell you.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 02/09/2022 11:34

Ime dh had to say out loud how horrific his dm was treating him /us to help acknowledge it was really happening to us. Fil had made dh accept her behaviour to keep the peace. He says the weight lifting was a real thing when he told her she wasn't invited to our wedding!

xogossipgirlxo · 02/09/2022 11:36

And why exactly did your husband tell you this? To make you upset?

Amazongirl9 · 02/09/2022 11:36

She probably doesn’t really know or couldn’t articulate it anyway. I expect it’s something to do with you not sucking up as much as previous partners. Being to bright and having her measure. Intangibles she can’t really explain but that put her in the back foot and lose control.

Fraaahnces · 02/09/2022 11:36

Just stop contact with the kids too. She sounds very destructive.

Testina · 02/09/2022 11:39

The shit stirring apple didn’t fall far from that tree!!

You have nothing to gain by asking her. She won’t tell you the truth, probably won’t even remember the truth - and anyway it’s here “truth” so it will be some unjustifiable codswallop that won’t explain anything. Let it go.

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 11:40

She's said it to upset you. He was a twat to tell you. Forget about it.

PinkArt · 02/09/2022 11:40

Bluntly, she doesn't like you. That's why she didn't want him to marry you, because she doesn't like you. The question then is how much you want to know about why. It may be based on a tiny incident years ago that she took to heart. Or you remind her of someone she doesn't like. Or you weren't appreciative enough of her roast dinner. Or it you just be one of those things where for whatever reason you just take against someone. Is there really likely to be an answer that you want to hear form her?
I'd try to find a way to rise above it and work on how you want things to work moving forwards. Maybe even more distance is required.

Testina · 02/09/2022 11:41

She was right though, about not wanting you to marry him. Another woman might not have banned her 5 years ago! Not saying you weren’t right to do so… but you clearly have not been her dream DIL doing that!

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2022 11:41

It probably isn't even to do with you OP, it's most likely to do with being territorial over her son and no one being good enough. I wouldn't waste my time, if she's acted that unreasonably over the last 23 years she's not going to suddenly become a reasonable person and have an honest conversation with you about it.

Electricstar · 02/09/2022 11:43

I think it’s so sad how many MIL can’t accept there is another woman in their sons life and choose to dislike them rather than accept they’re no longer the only main woman in their life

I see so many posts on here with the same thing and it shocks me the behaviour of these adult woman who can’t let go

My MIL isn’t as bad at all but found us getting married hard even said she wasn’t excited on our wedding day. She’s a lot better now but I don’t think she’ll fully accept it

Electricstar · 02/09/2022 11:46

Sorry to answer your question I honestly wouldn’t bother and you can turn it around and feel sorry for her at her that she lives a life of negativity and immaturity and move on with your head high.

Meraas · 02/09/2022 11:48

I would just keep ignoring her.

At least if DH tries to say you should make up with her, you have a good reason not to.

Does she come in your home?

Footbal · 02/09/2022 11:50

Thank you for all the responses. We are together since we are late teens so not other partners before me.

I know she doesn't like me, she has made it pretty obvious for many years. She tried to ruin my wedding, my pregnancies, comments on my weight,parenting,home..everything. Whenever we confronted her about things she said she denied it,called me sensitive and would twist the whole situation. Surprisingly this woman has done years and years of counselling ,assertiveness and self improvement.

Her other two DILs can do no wrong.

I think DH told me because I said I would never have anything to do with her ever again and would never step foot inside her home. He kept it in for 5 years in fairness. He loves his mother and she can be very charming but she is also manipulative.

I just find it so stressful. Last Christmas night she rang me to ask me around to her home as she loved me and her home was always open to me. A couple of months later she made a comment behind my back at a wedding saying, I lost weight but I'm not that great!!!

Footbal · 02/09/2022 11:51

Nc fail...

Original poster

Pennyhill22 · 02/09/2022 11:55

She has not been in our home since I told her she wasn't welcome anymore. The week after this argument though she knocked solidly on our front door and window for 40 minutes. We were sitting in the back garden and ignored her. Looking back we should have answered and told her where to go. To me this was her being a bully as usual. She has no respect for me whatsoever.

OP posts:

Wombat27A · 02/09/2022 11:56

My DM is like this about anyone who was involved with the family princling, who is literally the epitome of a manchild.

My mil made a massive fuss when we announced our engagement, lots of grief at various times, yadda, yadda. In the long run, it doesn't really matter, unless your DH doesn't have your back...

Detach, observe, move on.

economicervix · 02/09/2022 11:58

She’s not your problem. She’d love that you’re sitting analysing her and typing out paragraphs about her, just move on with your life. Tell your husband he is not to pass on any info about his shit mother to you, or vice versa, and he iss not to allow the kids to be dragged into this farce.

Sally872 · 02/09/2022 12:33

Given her behaviour i am not surprised she didnt want you to marry dh as she is completely unreasonable. There is no reply she can give that will be helpful so i wouldn't ask her about it.

I would take it as further confirmation she is impossible and nothing you could have done to make the relationship work and you are right to be low contact.

lljkk · 02/09/2022 13:57

You have mutual dislike. Would you want your child to marry a woman who reminded you of the MIL?

Why did your DH tell you this NOW?

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