To want to abuse my husband

[Athenatina]

I wrote a long thread but lost it when my phone died, so I'll just make it quick.

My husband is fixated on the benefits of breastmilk and wants to raise intelligent child, so I went through a living hell to make it happen. I had not slept for longer than 5 minutes in the first 3 months and I lived like a cow for the first year.

We're questioning the decision now as baby is not developing as he should be, suspecting to be malnourished as his weight is still 25% below birth and 65% below current height percentile. he's not babbling and not walking at over 1, etc. We were blamed by HV for giving him pouches for too long, but at that time I could not cook, I needed to either sleep or feed baby or play with him. When he was cooking I asked him to set unsalted portion for baby and he used to refuse and told me to give him pouches. I had to really fight with him and praise him so much to get him to cook for baby.

So when I mentioned this to him that he could have done a better job he blamed me for not cooking for him myself, he compares me to other mums as they were able to cook for their babies. It was very hard to hear him saying that as he should know best what I have been through. I don't think he realised that I have done something extraordinary for being able to breastfeed in our situation, HV told me when baby's 4 months old and weight gone up that most people would have given up at that point. No sleep is not a joke!

Yet he never sympathise with me on this or even praise me for having done a good job, and whenever I asked for his acknowledgement he always say it's not good enough he has high standard as our child is not doing what his friend's kid is doing at the same age! I guess I have not made him proud for not able to do a lot of things that other mums could do, but they had a lot of milk for baby!

As a result I just want to abuse him so that he can experience a little bit of what I have gone through! I have high standard for him too but he still plays computer games in the evenings when I didn't even have time to be on my phone to check for baby's development.

What's worse is that he told me he had to bear a lot of criticism from his family and friends that what I was doing was wrong-i kept feeding baby and not letting him play... It makes me wonder why he didn't try to do something to help? For example try to find out baby actually needed topping up formula milk, so that he would have time to play... In the past I was feeding him once per hour and he used to feed for one hour at a time...

It really pains me that he blames me when his family and friends have any negative comment-or maybe they're not really negative comments just kind reminders?! The way he dealt with being a new dad was not commentable. Instead of trying to support me, he pointed fingers at me and getting depressed when things get difficult. He even tried to leave me with baby so that I could toughen up- only later realised it doesn't work when I ended up in tears and wanted to divorce him.

When he decides it was too much he could stay away and go to sleep, go to shower, and dump baby on me because I love baby so much and won't hear a cry. I don't have a break. I was not happy for a long time. Now we decided to let it go, it was hard for both of us and we've done our best. But am I being unreasonable to want a little bit of sympathy from my cold blooded husband?

He told me he is not the type of person who have sympathy to people- bloody hell. For example he feels when he couldn't take care of himself he should be euthanized. If this is in his gene, it's so hard for me. When I asked for it he said I should talk to my female friends! End up I just want to throw at him when he's behaving like this!

Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?

Your DH sounds like a horrible person. I stopped breastfeeding very early on as it was so difficult. I think it sounds utter madness that you’re still 100% breastfeeding under those conditions. Your child needs a happy mum. Not one having a mental breakdown. Happy Mum happy child. If your husband can’t understand this then he is an idiot As well as a horrible person.

You’re only hope is to suggest to your husband that you have marriage guidance counselling or you fear this will end in divorce, as you no longer can go on as things stand. And see how the counselling goes. I suspect your husband will never admit he is wrong all you can do is give him food for thought. You also need to be getting more sleep ASAP!

On the husband- He sounds awful and abusive and you should leave him. Ask yourself, is there anything about being with him that makes your or your baby's life better. I think you'll find the answer is no. As your child gets older, they will also become aware that they are constantly being compared and criticised and I doubt this is the environment you want them to grow up in.

On the feeding - sounds horrendous that you've basically been coerced into continuing to breastfeed. But dropping centiles isn't always a problem. Now baby is over 1, you can concentrate more on bringing in lots of different nutritious foods and milk will be a smaller part of the diet. Are you still breastfeeding now? If not, hopefully you have some time back. If you are, by this age it shouldn't be taking up so much time - and in any case if you want to stop you should.

On the development, doesn't sound like baby is outside of normal bounds, just different to this friends baby. All baby's are different. You should speak to the HV if you are concerned there might be a delay - they will be better able to advise you. If there is a delay, it is highly unlikely that this is in any way linked to the feeding.

The whole set-up sounds totally dysfunctional and bonkers for everyone, but he in particular sounds like a twat.

The relationship between you and your husband sounds dysfunctional and damaged.

I would concentrate on your child and explore your worries regarding his development with your HV.

Your DH sounds awful. You shouldn't abuse him or try to teach him a lesson, you should just leave him. It might be hard at first, but it sounds like your already doing everything anyway, and all he's bringing to the relationship is criticism and misery.

If you mean that babies weight has dropped 25 percentile relative to birth weight, that's not actually a big deal, especially if they dropped shortly after birth, then followed the new line. And having the hight percentile above the weight one could just mean baby I'd tall and skinny, as some people are. Be guided by what your health visitor tells you not what your husband thinks, if your baby was actually malnourished then they would be having regular weight checks and probably be under a dietrisn.

Without knowing babies exact age, I can't really comment on them not talking or walking yet, but there is a wide range of what is considered normal development. First check if they are really behind or if the problem is actually your husbands expectations being to high. Even if baby dose have a developmental delay, that won't be because of how you fed, or if you gave them pouches. Some children do fallow different developmental lines, if your kid is one of them it doesn't make you any less of a fantastic mum.

In your position I would give up breastfeeding, and give yourself a break. Baby is old enough for cows milk and solid food now, even just simple finger food like toast alongside the pouches be fine to help strengthen their mouth muscles, if that's all you can do right now. Then when you have time to think, start looking at how you and baby can get away from this horrible man. You can use benifit calculations to work out what help you might get when you leave, and if you can't get a private rental, then talk to your council housing office to go on the weighting list. From your description it's possible his behaviour crosses the line from unpleasant to emotional abuse, you might want to explore if that is the case with women's aid as if it is it will make you a higher priority for housing.

I won't go into further details here, as this is already becoming an essay, but if you do decide to leave, start a new thread and I'm sure you will get some great advice on what steps you need to take.

Don’t waste a single brain cell on your DH for now. If your child is 25% lower than his birth weight at aged one (unless he was huge at birth), just move heaven and earth to focus on that. I would seek the views of your doctor and health visitor on what you can do to change that or to check if your son has a medical condition that is affecting his digestion.
If he’s one now, he’s able to eat a little of whatever you eat - yogurt and fruit, plus toast for breakfast, cheese sandwich with no crusts, pasta and cheese with veg for dinner etc. I recommend a very old book by Annabelle Karmel which emphasises the foods kids can eat at various ages. The past is the past - now look forward.
Onto your DH, he doesn’t sound very nice. Is he the man you can count on through thick and thin? Is he team you? He sounds like a bully if he won’t set aside some carrots and potatoes for his old child. I would be thinking carefully about your future with him.

In terms of centile, his weight has gone down so much and then only picked up at 25% below the birth centile.

If you actually meant he has dropped a quartile from his birth weight, that’s not necessarily an issue. Mine started on the 25 and 50% and dropped to below 25% (one below 9%) but they’re tall thin people. Your HV is the one to talk about whether it’s a concern or not.

Re my suggested dinner plan above, obviously use small pasta and cut up veg. Use your common sense. But you’ve got this.

I can't work out from your post whether there are actual issues with your sons weight snd development, but if so, I think your priority should be a chat with health care providers to address (or rule out) any concerns about him, and to agree a plan going forward for his care that is achievable.
If you can bring his father into the discussion and get his support and cooperation that would be ideal, but, you may have to come to terms with idea that this won't happen.
In which case the important thing is to not allow him to distract you or put up barriers to you caring for your child. This includes his chipping away at your confidence and muddying the waters with his own agenda.
If he won't get on board with a joint strategy for your sons care, as advised by professionals, you may need to go ahead as though he isn't there, or even consider whether you and your son would be better off elsewhere.

Husband sounds awful but I think you are worrying unnecessarily on the feeding issue.

Baby should be eating lots of solid foods now, they don’t need to be cooked meals, cereal such as porridge can be made with cows milk, you should be able to reduce the amount of breast feeds. I think at this age I was just giving one breastfeed at bedtime so baby would have food in early evening, then porridge before bath, book and breast feed.

I want to add that there are toddler ready meals (rather than pouches) that are larger and nutritious, it’s fine to use them sometimes for convenience and they can have fresh foods at other mealtimes.

This is a tough one. Did your husband actually tell you to carry on breastfeeding in a firm way or are you a bit of a people pleaser? As in he suggested you carry on and you did cos you did not want to disappoint.
If you are a people pleaser then by playing martyr, later on you are only going to resent.
I may be wrong but from your post, it feels like you are highly sensitive, add to that lack of sleep and hormones all over the place and you end up with lots of resentment and feeling sorry for yourself.
I would try to forget everything that happened previously and move on in a positive way going forward.
I do not know how old your child is but keep an eye on his/ her development but also understand, children develop at different rates.
It is not a competition and has no bearing on how they will be when they are older.
The other thing is, you are worried about their weight. There is nothing wrong with giving pouches although ideally it is better to give normal food especially if they are over a year old.
You need to look at quantity though, are you sure you are giving enough. After a certain age, their diet should consist more of food and less of milk.
Also one last thing, you keep saying you do not have time because you are busy feeding the baby but by now, you should be feeding the baby less so should have some time to do other things now. Generally speaking, the first 6 months are usually the hardest, then you and the baby would generally get into some sort of routine that enables you to concentrate on other things too.

Having said that, your husband is also an idiot as the baby is not just yours. If he is worried about development, he should also play with child, give extra feeds etc. If he is upset by criticism from others then maybe he could try and help. He has no right to criticise you if he has not put in any effort himself.

To answer the first question no you can't abuse him or throw back the hurt he has caused you. Secondly this is a very destructive relationship and I would be removing myself from it. Most umportantly I would be seeking help and support from your Gp and hv if you live in the UK. I can't understand why you would breastfeed every hour for an hour? Surely you would have had weigh in visits to check your baby's progress. All babies develop at their own rate but if your baby had failure to thrive this should have been picked up long before now and you should have noticed.

Yeah that's right.
His height is at 90th centile and weight 25th, born at 50th centile for weight.

Thank you!
The food you recommended sounds simple enough to make, I have started cooking for him three hot meals a day now but can't survive more than 3 days without shouting at my husband- (last week he told me he needs more support from me as he's due for a promotion, so I took all the housework for 4 days even missing my counselling appointment. Then he was playing computer games at office hour with none of the housework touched! )
Baby became a fussy eater and will not sit at the highchair without the food he likes on the tray! But he is getting better gradually.
I've been trying to feed him every 2 hours to get his weight up, and it seems to have worked. Now he's at least talking. Still learning to walk, waiting for a paediatrician referral that takes forever. (Again I've been asking him to get a private doctor he first tried to call insurance company to see if they cover it, got a no answer somehow, then did nothing afterwards! Still now we're in the NHS queue).I kind of want to do it myself now. Just having my judgement clouded by him thinking could this be unnecessary?

Thank you for your food advice I did start to boil pasta after your message and it worked! As for simple food options, maybe I didn't provide them at the start of weaning, or maybe he has a picky taste as his dad, boy doesn't eat unless it's an extravagant meal-it has to be colorful, nutritional and tasty, like a beef vegetable stew that involves 5 plus ingredients.
He also stopped eating ready pouches and only eat food freshly comes out of the pan! I'll have to hold him while I cook as he wouldn't sit in the chair with other snacks or ready meals-he hates them! Only now he's got back to them occasionally.
I give him bread, cheese, cucumber, simple food items and he doesn't eat them. Well now it's getting slightly better, at least he's got a biteful of a tomato and a strawberry.
Well overall baby is getting better, so it the tension between me and husband.

Add butter and double cream to mashed potato for dinners for your toddler. This was recommended to me by my daughter’s paediatrician when she was little. She was a micro preemie so was minus on the centile line.