AIBU?
does anyone else have a resident's association that is an absolute nightmare?
palavavlava · 01/09/2022 13:17
We live in a building with a resident's association that bullies everyone in the most grotesque ways.
I'm not very well and the other day I had to deal with a situation where I was tricked and lied to and bullied. It was grim. In the end my partner got involved and sorted it out but really, should you have to step in like that just to live a normal day of your life?
They want to watch everything, police everything and after all that they want to do whatever they please. Safe in the knowledge that no one else will treat them the same way. They have odd kind of social structures where they egg each other on and gain/lose face.
I'm talking about the kind of people who bully someone with mental health problems while wearing a mental health awareness day t-shirt. That kind of disconnect.
I've had "official letters" through the door that are full of claims that are just not true. Not as in, my opinion is it isn't true. I mean like impossible lies. Then that's "evidence" because they've sent a letter.
We had some students living in this building and they lasted about 4 weeks. They didn't do much wrong. There's people who last around 2 weeks. There was a couple who lasted 1 week. There was a woman who lasted a few days. There's no one here. The emptier the building gets the more incensed these people seem to be.
One man here is a business owner who knows about law and he fights everything they send him, contradicts and challenges every lie. He is the strongest, most no nonsense person you can imagine. He's still been worn down by it.
Some people on here live right in the middle nowhere. I'm starting to feel like that might be the way forward. We're actually planning a move to get away from these people. It's that bad.
I wish I was well enough to deal with this but I'm not. There are lots of reasons we don't want to move but I think we'll have to now. Is there anything I can do?
concernedrepurplehouse · 01/09/2022 13:21
I think by posting you’ve taken the first step.
it’s really hard to untangle your thought and get clarity in these situations. My neighbour and I thought we had clarity because we kept winning - but really we were letting the bully live rent free in our heads.
palavavlava · 01/09/2022 13:27
@concernedrepurplehouse People getting into your head is awful. I'd never do that to someone else. Did you move in the end?
concernedrepurplehouse · 01/09/2022 13:31
My neighbour did, she still lies awake thinking about what she should have said….
if moving is simple, move. If not, posting the details on here helps (it can take a few goes to untangle your thoughts of course….)
EmmaH2022 · 01/09/2022 13:36
When I saw the title, I was expecting something completely different. I have had issues in a previous place, shared freehold, residents refusing to pay for repairs that were essential.
In current place, I no longer belong to it but under a leasehold, we are having fewer issues but more complex ones.
But your place sounds like everyone wants to personally attack each other? Wtf is that about? I am very sorry you are experiencing this. What did they do to the people who left so fast?
palavavlava · 01/09/2022 13:39
@concernedrepurplehouse Thank you for advising me. Moving won't be simple but I think now it's reached a point where that has to happen.
hopeishere · 01/09/2022 15:05
What sort of things are they doing? We have one but it's mostly:
Kids playing on the roundabout
Alarms going off
Communal planting
Kids playing in the communal garden!
There was one person running an Airbnb that wasn't allowed!
palavavlava · 01/09/2022 15:58
@EmmaH2022 Sorry I replied but it seems to have got lost or something. I think it is a power trip. The residents all rub along fine. It's a big building and lots of very different people live here.
There is a big issue in our area with the council. If you got off the train and walked into the first ten businesses, everyone would tell you the same thing. Everyone feels bullied and they feel like certain people ( who are "in with the council") do what they want. I think this is an extension of that.
Whilst this RA have always been a bit odd, after a certain couple moved in..basically all this started and then escalated. My partner met this couple briefly and he said then (as now) that they seemed very superior and very unhappy to have to be in this kind of living situation. I think the guy is/was famous or something. That's what my partner said and I think all these RA people want to kiss some posterior, basically.
As to why people moved out. I think the students just were forced out. I do get that not all students behave badly and so forth but this lot had a couple of parties. It didn't bother me, there was no malice in them. The woman who lasted a few days was pretty timid. I know because before she moved in she talked to me. I guess I should have told her more but she just literally came up to me and said "hi, I'm moving in", then she asked me about the local area and stuff, it didn't occur to me in the moment. She was so happy about her new home and then she just obviously got walloped by these people and jettisoned.
Arbesque · 01/09/2022 16:10
Can you vote them out and vote in people like the no nonsense man?
Not totally the same but we had a management board on my estate who were corrupt self serving liars, squandering our Management fees and treating people like dirt. We kicked them all out a few months ago and got a proper committee in place.
The relief!
broccolibush · 01/09/2022 16:24
Do you live in my development @palavavlava? We have a horrible residents committee who "manage" the estate for the freeholder, which mostly consists of denying responsibility for the things they're responsible for, complaining about leasholders and telling us they're doing a great job. Oh and with a side order of increasingly dictatorial rules forbidding us from all sorts of normal activities.
Ours don't understand their roles properly, or if they do they choose to misrepresent them when they're asked to do them, and if something is more difficult than a routine cleaning/decorating job it just doesn't get done. They've used my time and labour for years since I moved in but when DH was asked to join the committee and did because he felt it was his "turn" and saw what had been said about me behind my back we decided to withdraw both our labour. This caused a lot of upset and we had some really nasty, public things said about us, but as time has gone on others have seen the committee for who they are.
In recent years I've learned to ignore them. I don't let them know about issues that are their responsibility, and if they're in the confines of my flat (though their responsibility as fabric of the building) I just get them fixed. Everything else I just ignore. They send nasty messages threatening all sorts and I just ignore those too. They seem to have moved on to a new target now they don't get a rise out of me, though they still ask for me to do things for them (I ignore that too). I would much prefer professionals who understand the job and don't expect slavish gratitude but the committee won't let go of their power.
I think that residents committees can attract a certain type of personality - the trick is to let them be dicks and leave them to it. I wish I'd learned to let go years ago, it would have saved a lot of upset and probably made my mental health significantly better. And they viciously publicly attacked me when they knew I was in crisis once.
If moving isn't easy - as it isn't with us - can you just disengage totally? Consider them as not worth your energy?
broccolibush · 01/09/2022 16:27
Oh, and I keep all their correspondence because it shows their behaviour and might be required one day. Your letters from your lot aren't "evidence" of anything other than their behaviour. Keep hold of them.
If you're a leaseholder the Leasehold Advisory people give free advice on this stuff and have helped me out in the past (when I've just checked with them that I'm not losing my mind and the lease can't be interpreted the way our committee have done so).
palavavlava · 01/09/2022 16:28
@Arbesque Glad you got some relief and the situation is better now. To be honest I've never really involved myself with all this so I don't automatically have a vote that I know of. I think I should attend these meetings but I really always saw them as a forum for people (here) who think other people's plants are a bit too tall and so forth. I just thought...leave them to it. That seems to have been a mistake.
Things started to go a bit off during lock down. Lots of rules introduced without discussion to "protect NHS workers". Now, the NHS workers in the building (I'm not) then said that was no help and they didn't appreciate being bullied. So there is no sincerity involved.
palavavlava · 01/09/2022 16:42
@hopeishere Sorry, do you mean what the residents do?
palavavlava · 01/09/2022 16:54
Yikes @broccolibush yes I think we live in the same building!
I even have a new pal who offered to do some work for us (paid) and the huge mercenary reaction from these people was totally off the charts. Like a normal person would just say "oh hi, I saw you got x to do y, can you maybe pass my number along". I'm not socially perfect or anything but some people just feel like it's the done thing to be aggressive. I just said to my partner...we're pretty nice..if you ask, you'll probably get. Some people seem to go through life threatening people and then getting angry when they get a push back.
I am a bit conflicted because I think disengaging has sort of given them the rein so to speak. I used to always think I'll just leave them to have their meetings and whatever else and I'll get on with my life. You're right though. I have to either be able to totally ignore them or move and it looks like it's going to be moving, along with everyone else.
EmmaH2022 · 01/09/2022 17:15
OP "I even have a new pal who offered to do some work for us (paid) and the huge mercenary reaction from these people was totally off the charts"
what did they do?
I realise you can't say stuff that's too outing but tbh I am quite confused by what is going on.
I'm guessing there's no management company?
broccolibush · 01/09/2022 17:30
See I went the other way, I engaged and I helped and I bent over backwards for them and they were utter cunts to and about me. And I was really, really upset about it for a long while. But I've now given up and I roll my eyes at them rather than getting cross/involved. It amuses me now when they tell us that certain things are FORBIDDEN (are they fuck if they're not in the lease, chaps) or that us citing the section of the lease we are asking them to act under is aggressive and bullying (it's literally the contract between us), whereas I used to take it all really seriously and personally.
And it especially amuses me when they go around begging for help and nobody engages, or approval for doing the jobs they signed up to do when we're paying for the service they provide. Weirdos, the lot of them.
My health is better and my home is happier since I accepted they won't change and just because they say whatever doesn't make it true. It has helped a lot that I had a solicitor look over our lease and clear up where they were misrepresenting things.
palavavlava · 01/09/2022 18:05
@EmmaH2022 Sorry to be unclear. There is a management company. My point was that in absolutely any circumstance these people just go nuclear basically. Even over something that I think most people would just discuss normally. So my friend offered to do some work for us, this was seen by the RA people and rather than just discuss it with me they went in all guns blazing.
They want the same work done. My friend wants work. Ordinarily that would be good for everyone. They manage to make it an argument.
EmmaH2022 · 01/09/2022 18:15
palavavlava · 01/09/2022 18:05
@EmmaH2022 Sorry to be unclear. There is a management company. My point was that in absolutely any circumstance these people just go nuclear basically. Even over something that I think most people would just discuss normally. So my friend offered to do some work for us, this was seen by the RA people and rather than just discuss it with me they went in all guns blazing.
They want the same work done. My friend wants work. Ordinarily that would be good for everyone. They manage to make it an argument.
So by "going nuclear" do you mean "start an argument online"?
I have heard the WhatsApp group here can get nasty but I am not in it. But as neighbours, in real life, we get on okay and sort disagreements politely, though
i despair of them signing off on certain things.
if I got letters telling me stuff about the lease, I'd consult with the mgmt company. If people are writing down personal attacks, I'd tell them you will sue for emotional distress. I am sorry this is happening.
concernedrepurplehouse · 01/09/2022 18:31
. “So my friend offered to do some work for us, this was seen by the RA people and rather than just discuss it with me they went in all guns blazing.
They want the same work done. My friend wants work. Ordinarily that would be good for everyone. They manage to make it an argument.”
you either need to move or gain expertise on the rules. You can’t go independently appointing your friend, for instance, or even discussing pricing.
they may be dissatisfied with the management company and/or trying to hold it to account.
palavavlava · 01/09/2022 20:46
@EmmaH2022 You sound like an ideal neighbor. The thing is I have no issue with my actual neighbors. It's this group of people.
palavavlava · 01/09/2022 20:58
@concernedrepurplehouse I don't mean changes to the building. I mean like, certain people saw me having something done and rather than ask me for the details of this person they made threats.
If they had just asked it would have been fine.
StoneofDestiny · 01/09/2022 22:14
Im imagining these people are elected by residents? If so - it should be an annual thing and you can stand against them or vote them out.
Surely if there enough people opposed to this 'management group' you can stand up to them? Get organised.
First step is get information about the 'management group' and how it's set up.
TenRedThings · 01/09/2022 23:18
I can relate to this. I was part of a residents association that managed some shared stuff. Guy who got put in charge was a covert narcissist, filled the roles with his flying monkeys, changed a bunch of rules to benefit himself and his DW, played the victim whilst ripping everyone off. It Just takes one toxic person to destroy a community.
palavavlava · 02/09/2022 14:42
@TenRedThings yeah this is the thing I never took an interest before really because there was no reason to. Everyone here is different but they are all genuine. We had the RA being a bit controlling before and everyone just left them to it. However I think with covid they took control and went way over overboard.
palavavlava · 02/09/2022 14:46
@StoneofDestiny I honestly don't know. I think I need to find out. For years and years (and many people coming and going) I've never had to consider any of this.
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