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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my kids to be around this person?

19 replies

LuckyPaisley · 31/08/2022 21:42

I'm recently split up from my ex, we have young kids together aged 1 and 6. After the split, it came to light that ex's sister's boyfriend (we'll call him Gary) has been charged with GBH and is awaiting trial. It's not his first assault offence, this also just recently came to light. Gary is completely amiable in person, really chilled and laid back and quiet but friendly. But he obviously has this other side, which SIL says is because of childhood trauma. He's got kids and has access to them, so has been deemed safe to have the access. He has done some non-violent but unpleasant things to SIL - things like leaving her stranded in a far away town with no money and no means of getting home, and 'accidentally' taking her purse to work with him when he knew she was going out for a night out so she could no longer go. Ex knows all about these things.

So my dilemma is, I don't want my kids to be around him. I don't think he's an immediate danger to them, but I don't really want them developing a family bond with him. To me, family members are people you can trust, people your children know they can turn to if they need to. I don't want someone violent to be that person to my children.

Ex disagrees with me, thinks there's no issue with the kids having a close relationship with Gary, and there's a family get together soon, which ex has invited Gary to. I don't want my kids to go now, and I know my ex has purposely invited Gary before discussing it with me to make me look like the bad person if I object. Up until now, either SIL has attended alone, as while she's not too happy about it, she has respected my wishes.

So, AIBU to feel like this about Gary, or should I let my kids go to family events when he's there? It's not a big event, there'll be about a dozen people there so it's not like a huge room where they won't be near him, but like I say, I don't feel he'll actually harm them, I'm just uncomfortable with the relationship developing.

If I am over-reacting fine, but if I am being reasonable, is there anything I can do? If I refuse to take them, ex will kick off and try to say that I don't have the sole decision over who the kids spend time with. We don't have a custody/access arrangement in place so it's not like we have set days where we're the main parent, in fact I have them a full 7 days and week and ex just visits. Probably not relevant, just preempting any 'who's day is it to have them?' questions.

OP posts:

MessyBunPersonified · 31/08/2022 21:53

This is the difficult bit of splitting up and co parenting.

Your ex isn't going to put your kids in danger and you don't think Gary is a danger to your kids. You may not like it, but your ex is absolutely entitled to have, and allow your kids to have, a relationship with people you may not like.

It takes a bit of getting your head around, but you're going to have to learn not to sweat the small stuff.

TheodoreMortlock · 31/08/2022 22:06

He sounds like a total dickhead, but he's not a danger to children as far as you know, it will be a big family event not 1:1 time, and it doesn't sound like a regular event.

I went to a lot of family events as a child with family I only ever saw at occasional events. I couldn't pick them out of a line up these days. What makes you think that a 1 and 6 year old would suddenly have a close family bond with Gary from a one off event, even if they ended up seeing him two or three times a year? Two or three times a week I would understand the issue.

Seemslikeaniceday · 31/08/2022 22:53

This is a situation where for my own peace of mind I would contact the police and make a request under Sarah’s law as you are concerned about the risk to your children.

YANBU to be concerned about Gary but without evidence of risk to your children YABU about family parties/gatherings. As pp said these are not 1:1 situations and your ex will be present.

Original poster

LuckyPaisley · 31/08/2022 23:04

It won't be a one-off event, or even just 2-3 times a year. More like 2-3 times a month. They're generally a close family and ex and SIL spend a lot of time together. My eldest does know who he is already, and has met him multiple times, so I do think over the years, if he's still around, he will be considered close family. Obviously I hope SIL comes to her senses soon as she's lovely and deserves better.

Thank you for helping me to put it into perspective, all of you. It is hard to realise that part of splitting up means not having so much say in matters like this. Almost to the point where I actually feel like I should grin and bear the marriage until the children are older. Only almost though, my ex is too infuriating for me to manage that. One fault being too quick to see the good in someone and gloss over their bad points - whereas I am resolutely the opposite which means in situations like this it's hard to find middle ground.

OP posts:

Original poster

LuckyPaisley · 31/08/2022 23:05

Oh just to add, thanks for the suggestion re Sarah's Law. I'll look into it, though I'm guessing due to him having access with his own kids it's unlikely to show anything that makes him a risk around children.

OP posts:

GooglyEyeballs · 31/08/2022 23:12

Your children your rules at the end of the day imo. What you are comfortable with goes.

slashlover · 31/08/2022 23:15

GooglyEyeballs · 31/08/2022 23:12

Your children your rules at the end of the day imo. What you are comfortable with goes.

THEIR children.

Yellowblanketofdoom · 31/08/2022 23:17

GooglyEyeballs · 31/08/2022 23:12

Your children your rules at the end of the day imo. What you are comfortable with goes.

Yes but they are also their dad's children and the contact will be taking place when dad has the kids. He has judged him to be of reasonable and good character.

Snugglemonkey · 31/08/2022 23:26

GooglyEyeballs · 31/08/2022 23:12

Your children your rules at the end of the day imo. What you are comfortable with goes.

Nope. Not at all. If your ex wants to feed your child too many McDonald's, or other questionable food, take them to activities you dislike, or have them around unsavoury people, as long as they are not actually in danger, they have every right to do so and you cannot stop them.

Their father is also their parent and also gets to make rules.

Brigante9 · 31/08/2022 23:27

If you have full custody, then you just don’t take them. I’d explain to sil but I don’t think you need to go further.

Original poster

LuckyPaisley · 01/09/2022 09:31

Just not taking them is difficult both with my ex and with the 6yo who is really excited for it. 6yo will be disappointed and ex will be very vocal about the reason being because I'm mean.

And no, not just my children, my decision at all. Both parents should have input.

I still don't like the fact that they're going to have to be around this piece of scum, but I guess I'm just going to have to learn to adjust to separated co-parenting.

OP posts:

Sunnyqueen · 01/09/2022 10:02

I think yabu and a bit precious tbh. Gary isn't looking after them on his own days on end is he? And presumably their dad, grandparents, aunts, cousins will also be at these gatherings? So nothing bads going to happen to your kids is it? Do you know the nature of the GBH and previous? Obviously it was nothing to do with children or he wouldn't be able to see his own kids I would have thought. As you've said he's nice and chilled with the family so unless that changes, relax a bit.

PainsandAches · 01/09/2022 10:05

GooglyEyeballs · 31/08/2022 23:12

Your children your rules at the end of the day imo. What you are comfortable with goes.

That's not how life works

Thankfully

In his time he chooses who he is comfortable having around his children

The Op has 0 day

mrsbitaly · 01/09/2022 10:08

As long as he isn't caring for the children alone I would allow it. I'm sure many of us have family that are not ideal role models but as long as they are in the care of someone responsible then I think you would be unreasonable to not allow it.

Justcallmebebes · 01/09/2022 10:10

GooglyEyeballs · Yesterday 23:12
Your children your rules at the end of the day imo. What you are comfortable with goes.

Wrong on so many levels unless the children were born via immaculate conception

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 01/09/2022 10:11

GooglyEyeballs · 31/08/2022 23:12

Your children your rules at the end of the day imo. What you are comfortable with goes.

So the other parent gets no say at all in anything then? Don’t be so ridiculous.

Op you have been lucky that he and his sister have gone along with this until now. You said he’s not a danger to them, although he is an arsehole.

He is also part of your exes family because of the relationship with his sister. Your demand could have meant that he didn’t see his sister as many couples do go places together and expect to be invited equally.

saraclara · 01/09/2022 10:16

He's no danger to your children or his own. He will always be with them in the company of ex and his family. You have no reason to demand that your kids don't meet him, and insisting on something so pointless will just make your co parenting relationship with your ex far far more difficult and snippy (and likewise affect your relationship and your kids relationship with your ex in laws). It's just not worth it.

He probably won't be around for long anyway at this rate.

Sunnyqueen · 01/09/2022 10:23

Also pretty sure for Sarah's law you have to tell the police you're in a relationship with him for them to do it. Which may trigger a social services referral. And if they have any information they come out to your house in a police car and tell you face to face, they won't tell you over the phone.

BigYellowElephant · 01/09/2022 10:29

I have a very similar situation and I totally agree with you. My ex doesn't have our kids unsupervised anyway for various reasons, so so far I've been able to make an executive decision on it. I'm hoping by the time my ex is at the point where I'll let him have time on his own with the kids, he will come to the same conclusion as me or his sister will have seen sense by then and got rid. It's very hard, you have my sympathies

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