Looking for others' opinions, not sure if I trust my judgment or if the situation is making me irrational. May be triggering - death and grieving.
I scattered my father's ashes today, although we were no contact for 10 years (I've only now realised he was an alcoholic, and now my opinion on the no contact has changed and regretted it as I understand now he was ill). For reference, I'm 27, and stopped speaking to him at 15. (Not been easy. I've questioned this decision most days, major whole throughout my life of not having him in my life etc.)
As soon as he found out it was terminal, he asked for me to be made aware - 3 hours later, I was by his side in his arms and seen him every day bar one until he died with me by his side (happened in the space of two weeks), so it was very traumatic and sudden for me to go through everything (reconciliation, his cancer news, his terminal diagnosis, his deterioration
and dying in front of me).
2.5 months later, my fiancé mentioned it this morning, "what you doing after it, who's going" etc., nothing about what I was going through. Almost like errands to run. I dropped him off, no mention, thinking of you today, nothing. Just skipped out of the car into work.
I think I was expecting a text or phone call from him to let me know he was thinking of me or that he hoped I got on ok. I was wailing at the funeral; surely he must realise this is something I'm struggling with?
He also started an argument last night over me leaving food in the sink, resulting in him 'accidentally' slamming the bedroom door closed and silent treatment for the remainder of the night. His excuse now, after questioning him, was that he was tired and pissed off.
I said to him tonight in a calm manner that I felt a wee bit alone and that support from him would have been nice (I walked around the cemetery remembrance garden for 1.5 hours after it, alone and crying). I also brought up last night and that I felt it was poor timing considering what today was. Surely he could of bit his tongue? I know it's what I would have done, and being sensitive to the day he had tomorrow. His response to last night, he was tired and pissed off with me.
He initially responded with it wasn't my place to message you; I just don't understand why you would need me. I can never do enough for you, I came home early, but you don't recognise that. (He came home in a laughing jokey mood and played with the dogs, no how did it go)
Queue an argument, me questioning when I said that I felt like I needed support when I explicitly said I think I just needed support (recognise I have to ask but to not mention it?) he responds with "I just don't understand why you would need me?"
I feel that he thinks I'm not getting over it quickly; he said that everyone dies, the world doesn't stop, and I didn't know the man. I did say, in response to his "I'll never be good enough for you, if I texted you I hope you're ok, you'd have been pissed off I wasn't there", that I wasn't sure that he was the man I wanted to marry if I don't feel that I have his support just now, what will it be like in ten years?
I realise I was out of order by saying that in an argument; I also recognise that I may be needy and irrational. It's not something I've had many experiences with, is scattering ashes just a run-of-the-mill thing? Am I expecting too much? Again, I know I should have told him if I needed him; I didn't feel I needed him there, but radio silence until he came home?
Just looking for another perspective, he stormed out of the house and slammed the front door behind him.