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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent socialising?

17 replies

RosetteNebula · 31/08/2022 17:14

I'm half expecting to be told I'm an awful person but also hoping I'm not the only one?

Anyway I've always been the type of person that needs alone time to recharge but in my late teens up until mid twenties I was a bit of a party animal although I did have my own place to retreat to, A lot of the relationships were just superficial drinking buddy types.

BY the time I turned 26 I had total social burnout and for the most part stopped going out much after a bad breakup and a miscarriage. I got together with my now DH late 2017 and we had DD in 2018. I'm now 31 and at the point where, apart from close family, I just resent giving people my time, even if it's people I truly like. I'm happy to chat if I bump into people and enjoy chatting to work colleagues but if I have to actually go out and see people in my own free time I get frustrated and resentful. Even if I have a nice time with them and enjoy their company I'd just rather not be there. And I feel like I'm not very nice for feeling that way because I know if I felt someone was meeting me out of obligation I'd be hurt - I'd rather they just didn't agree to come.

I don't want to be one of those people that doesn't bother with friends because they have a partner but it's sort of like I'm a Sim and my social bar is filled by interactions with work colleagues, DH, DD and my other close family members who I do out with for meals, shopping etc and anything on top of that is just too much. The feelings have definitely magnified since the lockdowns and I especially hate crowded places - they feel suffocating. I maintain lots of friendships via social media but I just don't really want to see people. If I make plans with people and they cancel I can't even describe the relief, even if it's someone I really do like. I feel so torn between wanting to maintain relationships with people I like because I'm worried I might one day regret not and just wanting to stay at home and have peace. I don't know if it's an age thing or just what happens when you have a young child and feel overwhelmed.

Am I abnormal?

OP posts:

treenu · 31/08/2022 17:40

Oh my gosh - I could have written the exact same.

I don't think you are abnormal at all. As a teacher, the summer was always all about catching up with mates I haven't seen during term time.

These days I just have no urge to see people aside from close family/friends. I have enjoyed spending time with the children, but by the evening I have nothing left.

Work wise I'm sociable but similar just content. I have been beating myself up but if it works...

Original poster

RosetteNebula · 31/08/2022 17:48

I'm relieved it's not just me!

OP posts:

Tayegete · 31/08/2022 17:52

I felt exactly the same at your age. I wanted to spend any time not working with DH and DD (and DS when he came along). It lifted once they were 10 or so and now they are teens I love to get away 😂.

Afterfire · 31/08/2022 17:59

Your children are still fairly young. I think it’s normal to feel burnt out socially and just crave some peace and quiet when your dc are little. It’s only now I’m mid 40s that I think actually it might be quite nice to go out occasionally… but I do
mean occasionally…! I enjoy my own space and my bed too much!

PotatoHammock · 31/08/2022 18:06

I'm definitely the same. Any non-essential socialising basically just eats into my "lying in bed watching/reading/scrolling mindless crap" time. And I honestly need that non-contact time (but also, I'm a teacher, which is socially Full On, and I think most teachers come to covet non-contact time!)

SylviasMotherSaid · 31/08/2022 18:10

I totally relate to this when I do meet up with people I find myself having a pre planned excuse to get away as early as is polite . I just get so bored listening to people not that I’m very interesting myself but I can easily spend my free time on MN or exercising or reading . I also find most of the time people pressure you for a catch up it’s usually for them to brag or moan about something in their lives it’s never actually for just a chat . The only people I really enjoy seeing are my auntie and cousins who are similarly anti social but the idea of work nights out or anything just no

Original poster

RosetteNebula · 31/08/2022 18:13

I also find most of the time people pressure you for a catch up it’s usually for them to brag or moan about something in their lives it’s never actually for just a chat .

This is very true, it's why people always want a catch up after a break-up, not because they want to see you. I find most people just want to talk about themselves. It's something I'm guilty of myself but I'm aware of it and trying to work on it.

OP posts:

dressupinyou · 31/08/2022 18:18

I can sort of relate in that I need downtime but I am also sociable.

I guess my worry for someone who cuts themselves off from friends and family is they can end up stuck with no-one.

There are often threads about people not having any friends and not being bothered. They just like spending time with their partner/children. They don't even want to spend time with wider family sometimes.

Then we also have thread after thread where people are having relationship issues, are in DA situations, need advice and literally don't have anyone to talk to IRL. I find that really sad and worrying that people put all their time and energy into one relationship when we can all benefit from having a social circle even if that's a really small one.

Original poster

RosetteNebula · 31/08/2022 18:22

Yes @dressupinyou I have thought about that. I know that one day when my child is older and my parents aren't here I will probably want more social contact with friends. I really do wish I wanted to socialize more. Even though I sort of despise facebook and am currently on a deactivation break I am grateful that it allows me to stay in contact with people without having to commit to things when I don't have the head space.

OP posts:

Mojoj · 31/08/2022 18:24

Just stay in then with the rest of the introverts. More space for the rest of us who actually enjoy human interaction 😀

Doggyxmas · 31/08/2022 18:25

Are you socialising doing things that you enjoy?

I enjoy just talking but I can find catching up for a coffee with someone can be draining and I offer prefer doing an activity with someone - depends what you like - eg theater show, walk, board games what ever floats your boat!

I do think there is a risk in becoming totally self reliant on just family.

thst said im about to post for suggestions on where to go for Xmas just me and my dog so what do I know!

Original poster

RosetteNebula · 31/08/2022 18:33

@Doggyxmas Honestly all I enjoy doing anymore are activities alone ie reading, exercising, language learning. Although I do enjoy chatting to my language tutor and learning about her culture.

The more I think about this the more I think this is my natural personality being amplified by long term stress - a young child, lockdpwns, money worries etc the usual - I know most people are very stressed right now. Plus we're in the process of moving.

Your Christmas sounds ideal!

OP posts:

Doggyxmas · 31/08/2022 18:46

Yes I think the massive stresses of the last couple of years and their impact on socializing approaches can be massively underestimated.

what about activities that are in a group but not necessarily one one one? Eg running group or something like that?

I mean I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being an introvert at all - but the fact that you’ve posted this suggests to me that you do feel like something is missing and it’s about working out how to plug that gap in a way that works for you

girlfrien · 31/08/2022 19:28

You need to make the effort. Loneliness is horrible and bad for you. While you might have close friends and family now they won't be around forever.

Who knows when things will change?
Think long term.

boomoohoo · 31/08/2022 19:46

I feel exactly the same, although I have a teenager not a toddler. After work and mothering, I don't have a lot more to give. I'm late 30s though and feel differently about it to you, in that it doesn't worry me; I relish in it! We spend so much of our lives putting others first, people pleasing, it feels good to prioritise myself in my free time 🤗

WoodlandMummy · 31/08/2022 20:28

girlfrien · 31/08/2022 19:28

You need to make the effort. Loneliness is horrible and bad for you. While you might have close friends and family now they won't be around forever.

Who knows when things will change?
Think long term.

One person’s loneliness is another person’s heaven 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/09/2022 07:27

I see posts like this and feel very conflicted. It’s totally normal to feel drained by socialising, particularly if you have a job and a young family and introvert tendencies.

But I also read people congratulating themselves on only wanting to be with their partner and kids and alarm bells go off. These are the people who are at risk, ten years hence, of being horribly lonely and isolated. Particularly if the relationship breaks down.

Its very understandable that some of you feel like this but it is also very important not to assume you don’t need anyone outside the family. These people who you find “draining” to have an occasional coffee with could save your life. Even if the worst doesn’t come to the worst and you remain happy it’s so important to have external perspective on your life.

Keep your hand in with them. You never know when you might need them.

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