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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU re hubby spending time with child

11 replies

Sunny866 · 31/08/2022 11:55

Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable or overthinking this. DC is 2 and goes to nursery 3 mornings a week and is with MIL for 2 days a week. Hubby works shifts so he is often working evenings, nights or weekends. I have weekends and Mondays off and often have DC alone on weekends and evenings when he’s at work. He often has 3/4 days off in the week but still sends DC to MIL on those days for a full day. He also drops her off their after nursery for a few hours. AIBU to think he should have at least one day with her and do an activity or something? Or is this all normal? I mean he doesn’t just laze around on those days off, there’s always odd jobs to do at home etc but I feel that one of his rest days should be dedicated to spending time with DC. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Sunny866 · 09/10/2022 23:11

bump

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 09/10/2022 23:17

So he could be taking her swimming or to the park but he chooses to take her to his mum's house instead? Yes, it would annoy me too, but TBH, looking children of that age can be a bit boring so if I'm being honest, if I had a way out of it when mine were that age, I might have taken it 😬.

gah2teenagers · 09/10/2022 23:19

Yeah he’s a shit lazy dad.

Zerrin13 · 09/10/2022 23:31

He doesn't seem to want to spend any time with her at all. He sounds totally disinterested. You must feel very disappointed OP.

Sunny866 · 10/10/2022 00:23

Sorry let me expand a bit. So he does spend time with her eg playing in the garden whilst I cook etc or playing inside reading books etc but it’s always when I’m around. When it’s his weekends off we do things together as a family. My issue is he never seems to spend the day with her alone. On occasions I have had to suggest “oh why don’t you two do something together tmrw” but it will be an hour of softplay and then off to his mums. The activity only happens if I suggest/book it etc. His excuse a lot of the time is “mum and dad get bored if they don’t see her”!!

OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 10/10/2022 00:48

He's lazy. And as for his mum, who the fuck wants to spend their retirement looking after a 2 year old?!

Hubs456 · 10/10/2022 00:57

Is it his kid? Cause if it’s his kid, he should probably be able to chose how he wants to look after her on his own? 2 year olds can be a bit much and it might be after a late shift, he probably isn’t able to deal with them on his own. He might also just like the kid to see their gran (if it’s his)
I think if my partner didn’t want to do stuff with me around, that would bother me but I think it’s fair that what they do in their own time (as long as it’s safe) is kinda up to them.

Sunny866 · 10/10/2022 07:18

Yes it is his child. She can defo be challenging (as most 2year olds can be). But I deal with that by myself whilst also trying to cook 3 meals a day and entertain her etc when I’m alone with her. I understand the shifts are tiring but with three days off in a row the first could be to rest and recover and the second could be childcare? I have said to him that these days are precious and limited and in less than a year she will be at preschool 5 days a week.
Of course yes he does want her to see his parents but they see her around 4 times a week and 2 of those are for a full day.

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9toenails · 10/10/2022 09:42

I think he should spend time just being with his daughter. For his sake as well as hers.

Two-year-olds can be hard work. But also they are such interesting little creatures, and have the capacity to really engage, particularly with a parent who is exclusively looking after.

It doesn't really matter where you go with a child this age. In the park, look at the grass, play with the mud, check out the leaves,the beetles, the birds. Or go to a museum and see what's there. Or a bus trip to nowhere special, get her to sing 'wheels on the bus'... Or read stories to her and act them out. Or, well, anything really. (One of my sons-in-law has his little daughter passing him his tools as he works on his motor-bike; she loves that; took him a while to train her, but well worth it; special 'together' time for them both.)

Yes, it can be tiring. Yes, you have to change shitty nappies and negotiate tantrums. That's all part of the deal too. I had a child who used to stamp both feet at once, as she screamed, "I wanted to ... ! I wanted ... !" (Fill in irrational childish desire.) But - take it from me - it's the good parts you'll remember when it's past. And it goes so fast ... and you don't get to go back and fill the gaps you missed first time round. (Though if you're really lucky you get to do it with grandkids later, too; that's another story well worth the telling.)

One happy memory of long ago; sleepy little girl clings to me as I try to manoeuvre the empty push-chair along; passer-by comments, "Oh, such love between you both". Yes indeed. Such love. That's what life is really about, if you get lucky.

(You can probably tell I'm a dad, not a mum. Go for it, you dads! You won't regret it; I certainly don't.)

KettrickenSmiled · 10/10/2022 09:47

Hubs456 · 10/10/2022 00:57

Is it his kid? Cause if it’s his kid, he should probably be able to chose how he wants to look after her on his own? 2 year olds can be a bit much and it might be after a late shift, he probably isn’t able to deal with them on his own. He might also just like the kid to see their gran (if it’s his)
I think if my partner didn’t want to do stuff with me around, that would bother me but I think it’s fair that what they do in their own time (as long as it’s safe) is kinda up to them.

Oh come off it! If the H here was female, everyone's eyes would be popping at how very little time they spent with their own child. Because he's not choosing how he wants to look after her - he's choosing to not look after her.

Sunny866 · 10/10/2022 10:54

Yea you are both right. My parents live 2 hours away but if they were nearby there’s no way I would be dropping her off there on my days off. Yes, of course I would visit often and leave her there for a couple of hours if I had things to do but defo not a full day and defo not all my days off!!
I do keep saying this time is limited and soon when she’s a teen she will have her own life and friends and party’s etc.
I don’t know if he feels nervous about having her alone for a full day, she does often tantrum when out and about but I just ignore or deal with it.
Dont get me wrong, he’s a wonderful person and not lazy in any other aspect. He does way more housework than I ever do and works very hard in his job.
I think I’ll just have to have a chat with him and explain my feelings

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