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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Self settle - husband won't help

17 replies

christmascook · 31/08/2022 06:14

So little one is 8 months old and going to daycare soon where she is expected to go to sleep in a cot during the day. She can't self settle and likes being held to sleep or to hold your hand and play with your fingers.

Iv been trying to reduce this amount of reliance she has on having someone touch her to go to sleep as I know she won't get that at daycare.

Iv spent the last hour shushing her and sitting in the room without letting her hold my hand, she's been waking and moaning. Husband gets up, tells me I'm a disgrace for shouting at her - I haven't been - and takes her to spare room to cuddle her to sleep and stroke her face.

I'm at a complete loss as to whether I'm doing the right thing by trying to teach her to self settle and I'm fed up being told I'm wrong by my husband. He states she was in convulsions, she was having a moan and as soon as I held her hand she stopped crying and started to settle to sleep. I took my hand away and she started moaning and shouting/crying.

What is the right thing to do???

OP posts:

GingerAndLemonn · 31/08/2022 06:17

Wel your child has been in distress for an hour so I can see why he’s mad!

I cuddle my baby to sleep and he naps fine at nursery. Honestly nursery workers are magic and your baby will be fine.

CoalCraft · 31/08/2022 06:17

Obviously your husband wasn't right to undermine you or accuse you of things you weren't doing. What I will say though is, don't assume home habits will carry over to nursery. My DD still needs to be cuddled to go to sleep at home and won't nap in her crib but has no problem curling up and dozing off in nursery, according to the staff.

NumberTheory · 31/08/2022 06:18

There are all sorts of “right” ways to approach this, not all of which will work on your child, but mainly you need consistency. So when you’re both at your best, sit down and talk with him about how to make sure she’s ready for nursery and not distressed there and come up with a plan together that he’s okay with too.

Original poster

christmascook · 31/08/2022 06:19

Sorry to clarify I have been up for an hour. She has been sleeping on and off during this time not crying for an hour. She settles then moans and was never left to cry for more than a minute.

Thanks for the advice

OP posts:

Sleepplease2021 · 31/08/2022 06:20

My son always wants me with him to sleep, but he was always absolutely fine at nursery! They just have an amazing way of getting them to sleep.

SnackSizeRaisin · 31/08/2022 06:29

Think you need to talk to your husband about why his perception of what's happening is so different from yours. Why does he say you've been shouting at her?
Anyway I'd say there's nothing wrong with teaching self settling, but if her sleep is otherwise good, I wouldn't bother just for nursery as they have their ways. Does she sleep through the night ? If so that suggests she has self settling skills. If she's waking every 2 hours all night and only doing short day naps, it's probably worth taking some action but consistency is important so agree between you what your approach will be

FlorrieFosdyke · 31/08/2022 06:33

I would try not to worry about nursery. In my experience, they are amazing at getting little ones to nap.

My nursery would rock in pushchair or sit and pat if needed to start with and they slowly worked on getting them to go to sleep independently. And they did it! Even though we still had to cuddle to sleep at home. I have no idea how they did it. I think there is an element of peer pressure as your baby will see others settling down to sleep and will nap.

Maybe speak to your nursery to find out what they do to reassure you. I'm sure it will be fine. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

FitFat · 31/08/2022 06:37

I dont think youre wrong neessaily but I absolutely couldnt let my child self soothe. Im not saying thats right and it made a rod for my own back but there you go. It made me v distressed seeing.them distressed (in my interpretation). Maybe your DH is the same. Hope you find a solution. Comforting hearing nursery sort out their own routine x

Georgeandzippyzoo · 31/08/2022 06:39

Your child is in distress and will be confused. Children learn to 'settle' in 2 ways. You can meet their needs so they learn you will always be there IF they need you. This allows them to self settle , knowing you will come and meet their needs if they cry.. OR. they will learn you can't be trusted to meet their needs so there is no point in crying and will therefore 'not cry' this does not = self settling.
Babies cannot be spoiled, babies cannot manipulate (they are developmentally too young to understand that concept) they do what they need to get their needs met.
Nursery is a different concept . They will behave differently there, the staff are not their primary care giver.

Good luck. I work with kids where their pcg has not met their early childhood needs . I think society expects parents to behave in a certain way with their child and parents should do what is right for them and their child.

Whodoiwanttobe · 31/08/2022 06:45

In my opinion what you’re doing is fine. My son is 4 soon and still wants us with him and we wish we hadn’t sat with him everytime he went to sleep and made a rod for our back! It meant he really struggled getting to sleep with the childminder and sometimes just didn’t!
If you aren’t shouting and are there to comfort when necessary, it’s just a case of breaking the habit of settling her every time! Explain this to your husband.. that you may have an over tired child who hasn’t napped all day when she goes to nursery!

buckingmad · 31/08/2022 06:56

Why won’t nursery cuddle to sleep? Mine does?

BonesOfWhatYouBelieve · 31/08/2022 07:01

When my DD started at nursery she still would only nap while sleeping on someone's chest. First day at nursery and they had her asleep in the cot. She didn't ever nap in the cot for me, not once. She's dropped her last nap now and still never napped in the cot for me but did it every day she was at nursery.

They have ways. I wouldn't worry about it.

Soontobe60 · 31/08/2022 07:11

Georgeandzippyzoo · 31/08/2022 06:39

What utter tosh. You’re implying that any baby who is able to self settle has actually only learned that their parent has left them to it so it’s no point in crying for their attention!
I have seen babies in complete distress because their parent isn’t able to sit with them for hours whilst they twiddle their parents hair / thumb / t shirt and drift in and out of sleep. How is that healthy? My niece was like this and when she eventually went to nursery it was awful because she was so used to her mum being there 24/7.
Most babies will be able to self settle quite quickly and have a good night’s sleep. Parents who actively work towards this goal are not the monsters you’re implying in your post.

girlmom21 · 31/08/2022 07:21

Don't worry about nursery. They'll do what she needs.

Tiani4 · 31/08/2022 07:31

At nursery there are other babies sleeping at same time, so they aren't alone. At home she's the only baby sleeping and Mum and Dad leave her to go to a more interesting room, Babies like company ...

Don't worry about nursery they'll find a way that she has her nap and it'll help you at home too. She doesn't sound tired when you out her for nap/ to bed

Definitely recommend bath before bedtime routine as that really helps baby feel sleepy.

Topgub · 31/08/2022 07:36

@Georgeandzippyzoo

What a load of rubbish

Amazing though that you think babies are to young to 'manipulate' but not too young to understand that nurseries have different rules

Op, I wouldn't worry about nursery, she'll be fine.

I would worry about why your oh is such a dickhead

SadieS78 · 31/08/2022 07:45

I'll copy what a previous comment said about not all home habits will necessarily carry over to childcare settings.
9yr old son has extreme attachment issues (he is my stepson, i have custody since he was 2 due to awful things at birthmums). He will not sleep in his own bed. He will not even go to sleep in my bed until I am up in bed 'pretending' to go to sleep until he is asleep.
Yet he has had sleepovers for 6 years a couple of times a month at family's and friends and goes to sleep right away 😐.

Even if your DD struggles at nursery the staff will not just leave her they will provide what she needs.

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