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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate it when woman call babies MY baby, as opposed to OURs...

44 replies

Spankybug · 30/08/2022 22:39

This grates me everytime I hear this with couples, babies are not one partners individually!! What does everyone think...

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/08/2022 23:44

I’d say Our baby If I was talking with my partner next to me or my baby if I was talking about me or on my own talking to someone.

Really though after growing them 9 months, squeezing them out my vagina, breastfeeding and being the “main carer” for their first year I’d have felt perfectly fine saying ‘my’ baby.

BeardieWeirdie · 30/08/2022 23:49

NameChange30 · 30/08/2022 23:38

YABVU. They are my babies. I grew them from tiny cells. I pushed them out of my vagina. I breastfed them. I endured pregnancy, childbirth and difficulties establishing breastfeeding for them. Of course they're my babies. They're DH's too but he didn't physically create and sustain them as babies in the way I did. That might be an unpopular opinion but I don't care.

I do feel more inclined to think of them as "our children" as they get older, less physically dependent on me, and our parenting role is more equal. But I don't think saying "my child" instead of "our child" would particularly negate DH's role. It's just I'm a bit more possessive when they're actual babies Grin

Yes to all of this. I remember telling my husband as much when he jokingly dared to suggest his two minutes of grunting counted as much as my going through pregnancy, childbirth and exclusive breastfeeding.

Spanky123 · 30/08/2022 23:49

NameChange30 · 30/08/2022 23:38

YABVU. They are my babies. I grew them from tiny cells. I pushed them out of my vagina. I breastfed them. I endured pregnancy, childbirth and difficulties establishing breastfeeding for them. Of course they're my babies. They're DH's too but he didn't physically create and sustain them as babies in the way I did. That might be an unpopular opinion but I don't care.

I do feel more inclined to think of them as "our children" as they get older, less physically dependent on me, and our parenting role is more equal. But I don't think saying "my child" instead of "our child" would particularly negate DH's role. It's just I'm a bit more possessive when they're actual babies Grin

This is the attitude I am referring to!!

Mariposista · 30/08/2022 23:50

I usually just refer to the kid by his or her name!

SarahAndQuack · 31/08/2022 00:00

I think it depends on context too.

'We' are never pregnant. Nor did 'we' give birth.

As a non-bio mum, I did feel hurt on occasion when DP said 'my baby,' but that was generally when emotions were already running high; otherwise I don't think I'd notice. In general, most couples I know will just say whichever one makes sense in context. Eg., 'Yes, that's my baby's rattle' versus 'yes, it's our first baby so we're both totally clueless'.

We'd also reverse it. When DD was being a pain she was always 'your daughter ...' no matter which of us was speaking.

But, I think you have to be aware not everyone is part of a couple, for all sorts of reasons. I've a friend who was a single mother almost from the start; I've another friend whose partner died when their child was a baby, and it's just cruel to police language in either case.

BadNomad · 31/08/2022 00:00

Depends on the situation, surely. It sounds weird if both parents aren't there at the time.

Mother: "Have you seen our son?"
Stranger: "Excuse me?!"

Confusion101 · 31/08/2022 04:53

@NameChange30 They're DH's too but he didn't physically create and sustain them as babies in the way I did.

So is DH not allowed say "my children" because he didn't "physically create" them 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 they wouldn't be created without a man. And you didn't decide to take one for the team and carry them for 9 months. It's Biology!!

bluedomino · 31/08/2022 05:36

The only women I've heard really emphasising "our baby" are usually trying to get a deadbeat Dad more involved and interested in the baby. Usually to no avail. Most women I know say my baby/son/daughter unless the father is actually part of the conversation.

allow · 31/08/2022 05:38

I am now just thinking about Margaret Thatcher saying 'We have become a grandmother.'

My baby. Our baby. Slightly different nuance. And both can be appropriate in different circumstances.

In no way is a baby ever truly anybody else's though. The words can identify a relationship but they are their own being in their own reality right from the get go.

lancsgirl85 · 31/08/2022 05:39

Really though after growing them 9 months, squeezing them out my vagina, breastfeeding and being the “main carer” for their first year I’d have felt perfectly fine saying ‘my’ baby.

This!!!

bakewellbride · 31/08/2022 05:49

Sometimes I say our baby & sometimes I say my baby. No big deal imo.

NameChange30 · 31/08/2022 06:43

Confusion101 · 31/08/2022 04:53

@NameChange30 They're DH's too but he didn't physically create and sustain them as babies in the way I did.

So is DH not allowed say "my children" because he didn't "physically create" them 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 they wouldn't be created without a man. And you didn't decide to take one for the team and carry them for 9 months. It's Biology!!

Nowhere in my post did I say that DH is "not allowed" to say "my children" 🙄 Try reading it again!

He can say "my babies" and "my children". The point is that I'm not going to police my own language and say "ours" when they are in fact mine too.

"they wouldn't be created without a man" - sure, a man contributes sperm, big deal. Such a hardship to have an orgasm in order to create a child 🙄
The man's main contribution - if he is a decent partner and father - is to look after the mother and child(ren), but he doesn't do a fraction of the physical work in creating a baby. In your words "it's biology".

70billionthnamechange · 31/08/2022 06:45

I tend to not give a fuck what others call their kids. HTH

NancyJoan · 31/08/2022 06:48

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever said our baby/daughter/son.

SomePosters · 31/08/2022 06:53

My kid wouldn’t recognise that dead beat in the street.

She is MY baby and I don’t care if you like it.

I’ve been 100% of her parenting her whole life. There is no our

BogRollBOGOF · 31/08/2022 06:56

Context matters, my/ our/ your are all acceptable in different situations.

"Our" when we are together
"Your" when one plays up in a way reminiscent of the other parent 😁 (We like each other and jest)
"My" is appropriate for a large proportion of the time.

"We are pregnant" is never factually correct as only one mother is in a state of pregnancy... well possibly a rare exemption for a pair of mothers with overlapping pregnancies.

5128gap · 31/08/2022 06:57

Its a figure of speech. Unless one parent is deliberately saying it to the other in a possessive way to mark territory, it means nothing. I refer to my adult DC as my son/my daughter and have all their lives. I'm an independent person not just one half of a coparenting duo, and when speaking of my relationships I don't see the need to reference anyone else.

Bestcatmum · 31/08/2022 07:00

I carried him. I gave birth to him. I nurtured him. His sperm donor had no part in his upbringing and dumped us shortly after the birth. He's my baby.

5128gap · 31/08/2022 07:09

I've never noticed men saying 'our baby' either to be fair. They mostly say 'The baby' which is interesting in itself.
It tends to change as the child gets older. Particularly when it's a boy, when 'My son/my boy' seems popular with dad's.

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