To not bother with people anymore?

[Tiredofpeople9977]

I'm fed up, so fed up.

I've just got back from a trip to the US, spent a week there visiting a cousin who is much older than me. This cousin is someone who has been a penpal for me since my mum died ten years ago. I should say I wasn't that close to my mum and experienced childhood neglect.

I took gifts and paid for meals out while I was there, obviously paid for my own airline ticket etc, I feel that I paid my way which is relevant.

I do not have any other close relatives in my family, only my husband's family who I am close to but they are not my family as such if that makes sense.

While I was there, there was something on the TV about childhood sexual abuse and I said in passing I had been sexually abused as a child. My cousin didn't want to have a conversation about it which I do understand but I realised over the week that much of what we spoke about was about her issues and things going on in her life. I felt that she needed a confidante and I gave myself to that while I was there.

My cousin is very overweight and has a type of diabetes which she has been fundraising for for a few years. Since I got back on Saturday I've had three messages asking for money for her latest fundraising effort. I dont want to contribute as I am feeling broke from the holiday and i already give to my own charities. My cousin's messages have become more aggressive. I feel that she is asking me for support - emotional and financial - that feels more one way. I feel I have given enough by taking part in the trip. Does this make sense? Sometimes if feels easier not to bother with people!

I am trying to set boundaries as I had an abusive childhood and I have replied to the cousin to say i give to my own charities only but was happy to see her fundraise, it was good she was contributing etc but I haven't had a response. Just feeling very down!

The last few years has honestly felt like I have found friendships and relationships and then as they progress I realise thay I haven't at all, that i am deluding myself! I can see why people become hermits!!

I know that fundraising is huge in America because of the outrageous hospital costs. So she may not be targeting you just specifically.

I'm also wondering if she saw you as a saviour? I only ask because if she is very overweight, perhaps she doesn't get out or see people much, or have people visit her, and so you flying halfway across the planet made it seem (in her mind) that you had come "for her", IYSWIM?

I fully understand what you're saying, and your reasoning behind how you feel though. Hopefully, her behaviour isn't enough to sever the ties of your remaining link to family.

Thank you for replying Keyansier. Yes maybe re the saviour thing however I am so upset about the aggressive messages asking for money. It feels as though what I did by visiting and bringing gifts and paying for meals wasn't enough iyswim? Also i feel there is some judgement that I haven't rushed to donate to the charity. I give to my own charities and wouldn't expect others to do that or put them under pressure to.

I won't give up on my cousin but am feeling disappointed.

I understand your point of view. However I think their culture is very different, I am half American so have visited a lot and have formed friendships and relationships with family over the years which are just different (in many ways) to the ones I have here so take that into consideration its probably not personal.

Thanks Lemondrizzle77.

I fully understand what you're saying. I'm also wondering if there's an element of "well, if she can afford to fly all the way over here and pay for all this stuff, then why isn't she paying to help me when she can clearly afford it?" i.e. thinking that you're much wealthier than you are?

Presumably she is fundraising for treatment for herself and not just general fundraising for a charity that specializes in her condition? If so than I can see why she might be a bit put out by you saying you won’t give because you already give to other charities. It would be like me asking my cousin for a contribution towards some lifesaving drugs and her replying that she can’t because she already gives to the RSPCA.

I’m certainly not saying you should feel obliged to give her money. That is your choice. And she should only ask once and then accept no for an answer.

Keyansier possibly. I wanted to treat her to a few things while i was there but I feel that charity is very personal and something entirely different. I am offended that she has become aggressive about my not donating. I am sure now I have said I won't that she will take this personally. Honestly I feel as though it has become a minefield of expectation and disappointment. And as though I can never give enough.

OperaStation no it was a general fundraiser for the charity she supports not for her personally.

I agree - ask once and then if the offer is not taken up to donate you leave it you don't tighten the screws.

It's really tricky territory when people do these charity fundraisers.

They don't seem to realise that not everyone has the same enthusiasm for their cause, and so relentlessly push it.

I've got into family rows about it before but then I realised that most people probably just ignore it and avoid.

I sort of know that however much I gave it wouldn't have been enough- 20 dollars... 50 dollars... there wouldn't have been a gratitude it felt like an expectation.

Anon666 I know. I feel as though I've been targeted!! And I don't want to be!

Bump

I'm not sure why you think your trip there and paying your way (rightfully) mitigates against contributing to her charity? They are two separate things.
I agree after the first request and refusal she should drop it. I don't think Americans do any more fundraising or anything (I grew up there and my family lives there).

Mondaytosunday I think it's just more that I had been generous in the way I wanted to be when I was there and that should have been enough. I donate only to my own charities and that should just be accepted imho.