To ask what your expectations are of your 12yo dc in return for an allowance, and how well it works out

[Whatafustercluck]

Just lost the plot with almost 12yo ds for the first time in a long time. He's generally a really good kid - kind, thoughtful, funny etc. But I am fed up with having to nag him to do the most basic everyday tasks such as making his bed, his even cleaning his teeth.

He's going into secondary school next week and we've agreed to begin paying him an allowance on a more regular basis so he can begin to learn some budgeting skills. We've said that in return he won't have defined 'chores' as such but we expect him to help keep the family home clean and tidy, and not grimace and make faces when we ask for things like taking clean washing upstairs, rather than just walking past it, or picking up the hoover etc.

He was only 30 mins ago asking me when his allowance will be paid this month. I walk into my office and he's sitting there using my charger, his bed unmade, clean clothes on the floor that I've told him need putting away, and a disgusting fishy smell emanating from somewhere in his room. Turns out he's been removing the snake's poo from the viv (following reminders from me and dh, not off his own back) and dropping it in his bin, which is now overflowing.

He's had nearly 6 weeks to complete a y7 transition booklet and it's still on his shelf, unopened, despite frequent reminders.

I know this stuff isn't unusual in tweenagers and as I said, he's great kid on the whole. But how do we encourage him to take greater responsibility, without constantly resorting to nagging and reminding him?! I've said I won't have a boy who turns into a lazy man and expects women folk to do all the thinking, organising and picking up after him. Stopping his allowance is an obvious answer, but I'm more interested in some ideas that encourage greater independence, self care/ hygiene, responsibility etc without needing to resort to punitive measures: life skills in essence. We're constantly having to remind him, about everything. This isn't new to him, we've expected him to help around the house (in age appropriate ways) throughout his life, but he never just thinks to do things himself. Another example: breakfast. He's well capable of getting his own, but will rarely think "ooh I'm hungry, ill get myself some breakfast" and will actually go without if I don't remind/ encourage him to get something.

Before he returns to school have a family meeting where allowance/chores are discussed. Jointly agree on the allowance amount, when/how it will be paid, and what has to be done to earn the full amount. Before the meeting have a clear idea of what you think is reasonable. Personally, I would not pay him to tidy/clean his own room, paid chores are for family space. However, I would have an expectation of him sorting his laundry for the machine, emptying his bin, changing his bed (clean bedding provided by you). If his room is messy that's his choice. Paid chores should be maybe 20 minutes per day, using a checklist you jointly draw up and he maintains. Random checks on the ticked jobs occasionally will remind him you're not a pushover. As long as you get his agreement, everything should be fine, most of the time.

I would define the chores he gets paid for.

Chores and money are separate.
Chores are expected to be done, no moaning. Fun stuff doesnt happen until jobs done (includig screens). We're not that dissimilar to you: own room sorted, assist with laundry, assist with vacuuming, clear table after dinner sort of stuff.
We've REALLY had to nag about the transition booklet tho. That's been a real pita.

We didn’t link pocket money to chores. The point of pocket money is to teach financial literacy. In addition, in the real world adults don’t get paid to keep their homes clean & tidy, cook, and so on. So it didn’t make sense to set up a chore- reward expectation…nothing more irritating than a partner who wants praise and gratitude for doing the washing up imho.

Anyway, your 12yo sounds very typical. What helped us was a white board calendar…the magnetic kind you stick to the side of the fridge. On it we’d write for each day of the week the chore to be done that day by each DC. It helped to remind them without the nagging.

On the right of the calendar was a lined area where we could write long term deadlines- perfect for the Yr7 transition booklet. And I wouldn’t stress about that. My YR13 DC has only this week started the summer revision work with the salient point that it’s better to do it at the very end of summer right up to the day before school starts so that it’s fresh in their mind when school starts. So, agree with your DS as to the latest he can get the booklet done, and jot that on the white board. The DC would then use the markers to check off the chore or task once completed. Then DH or I would take a random peek to see if done.

We also had things that involved all of us, like clean out the garage. Or winnow down clothes for a drop off to charity trip. So doing things together really helped get things done.

I would also suggest that your DS cook dinner every so often. All children need to learn how to cook. So that’s a chore to add to the list.

We have a point system for various jobs like unloading dishwasher , feeding pets etc. Jobs count for between 1 and 3 points depending on how long they take / how unpopular they are and we decided that list together. 3 points a day is £1 and so they potentially can earn up to £31 a month. More than 3 points earnt in a day gets carried forward or used to back fill days they did less. Deal is these jobs are done without whinging or the points are forfeited. Their responsibility to mark the tally on the calendar not mine. It has stopped me having to nag for things like unpacking and emptying lunchboxes etc
We have been doing this for 5 years now so it runs pretty smoothly- older DD now has a part time job so doesn’t really need pocket money but it’s good for our younger one.

My ds gets pocket money plus chore money - chores are cleaning the car, weeding or cleaning windows so entirely optional but if he wants extra money he needs to work for it.

We never connected pocket money and jobs around the house.

Everyone was expected to do jobs around the house because we all live there.
I think you need to be clear what your expectations are re what his jobs are but I also think all teens (well, most, I know someone will say they never allowed their teen to) go through a few years of their bedroom being an absolute tip, and I think that is just a phase and not something worth losing it over. Making the bed, for example only affects them if their quilt is straight or not when they get back in to it - not a hill to die on.

Decide on the jobs and stick to it - no negotiating. Might need prompting at first but just don't get into any debate.

IMO household chores and money should be entirely separate. Household chores are just what you do when you live in a home. Everyone should do their share with no expectation of a cash reward.

However, I would pay extra for "optional" things like washing the car, going to post parcels or letters for me, running to the shop for milk/bread, raking the lawn etc.

Pocket money isn't linked to jobs but they are expected to help with general life. DTs are 12, they:

Mostly make their own breakfast and lunch, including packed lunch for school
Cook dinner once a week, more if they are feeling enthusiastic
Put dirty washing in the basket, put their clean washing away
Walk the dog maybe once a week
Dirty plates in dishwasher
If they make a mess, they clean it up

They can get more for bigger things like cleaning the windows (they like this for some reason!), washing or hoovering the car etc

Allowance and jobs are separate. I have never paid for a chore as no one pays me.

What I did occasionally if teens took the piss was say we could live as flatmates if they prefer - e.g. they cooked, washed up and did own clothes washing - they always chose family life . They know what side their bread is buttered.

The transition booklet - why have you not overseen that? Sometimes you have to lay the law down - your child is still very young.

My teens (14/12) have set chores.

Eldest really enjoys cleaning, middle is a tidier.

Every evening, whilst I bath youngest DD (6) middle will wash dishes and clean the kitchen, eldest does a tidy sweep of the living room, dining room, sets the robot hoover off for those rooms, then goes into the utility room, and takes the clean, dry, sorted laundry into the relevant bedrooms.

Everyone puts their own clothes away, including my 6YO (with help). 6YO also sets the table.

Pocket money is not linked to this.

I’m a single parent household and work full time, these are basic life skills and if they don’t learn to pull their weight at this age, when do they?!

I could never make regular defined chores work. It was a bigger job remembering to make sure they were done than it was to do them myself and realistically I wasn't going to stop an allowance if it made a difference to what they could do and if it makes no difference, what's the point?

What I did have was an absolutely expectation that if I asked them to do something it was done and I still do now they're 19 & 21 and paying keep.

They had had step by step bathroom cleaning instructions on their phones from young secondary age, so could be left to get on with that, for example. They'd do it when asked, but but didn't work well to have that as a regular chore for them.

That said, I'm still not convinced DS2 brushes his teeth regularly, but there comes a point when it's his problem.

Ours have daily chores that they are expected to do as part of the household and paid chores they can choose to earn more money plus their basic pocket money. So they get £10 a month regardless, they do their daily chores anyway (always after dinner and at the same time so no one forgets) and the extra ones they can choose to do if they want more money. We have an app, but paper/whiteboard also works like PP mentioned.

They are all responsible for their own space, I will moan about too much mess in their rooms if it is getting unhygienic, but I don't nag. If they want to live in a tip, I just don't go in there!

Pocket money / allowance separate to chores here too. They need money, regardless of chores. They should do some things around the house as part of the household, others are paid.

We do a mix. Everyone has a couple of set chores that are theirs. No payment for them. They’re just part of being members of a household. They also get a very, very basic allowance (literally couple of quid) that’s not linked to anything.

For basic allowance they are then allocated/choose set chores for a four week period (so that perceived “easy” chores are shared out). They must be done to get their main allowance. I’m quite draconian to some atm as all chores must be done all week to get their allowance (because when I did a percentage one of mine didn’t bother doing anything at the start of the week as they had money).

We also have a number of extras that can be selected and have a value. They can choose to do them, or not. They give the chance to show that extra work helps get the thing they’re saving for a little quicker. They are capped though - there’s a list of them rather than just a free for all so it doesn’t cost me more than we can afford!

13yo dd only gers pocket money if she completes chores. They range from 25p, up to £2 depending on the chore.

Thanks all. I think I am struggling with linking, or not, to chores. We've always been clear with DS that he contributes to the smooth running of the house, regardless of payment, as many of you have said. We expect him to do certain things like keep the place tidy. What we've struggled with is a lever when (as is often the case) he doesn't do so. There are extra 'chores' that are outside of this expectation which we give him a little extra for (such as bathing his 5yo sister, which is not his responsibility). But now he's getting older, he will in future receive an allowance to pay for the things he needs, and some of the things he wants (depending on budgeting). So every month he'll get an amount paid onto his go Henry card. It's enough for bus fares and school meals (a necessity) as well as a few extras (non essential). He's only 12 so I've said I will help him to budget. So things like, if he runs out of food money half way through the month, then he has to make himself sandwiches.

So we're not really linking his allowance to chores, but we have said that as we're beginning to treat him in a more adult way (his desire) then we would like him to pull his weight in return iyswim? But without the incentive of money, how do we motivate him just to do the basics? Just to look around sometimes and notice/ act on things that need doing?

Mine has just turned 14 but the same rules apply. In return for pocket money and a harmonious home life he will:
-Clean his teeth
-shower at least every other day
-dress himself in time for school
-put his dirty laundry in his wash basket
-tidy his room
-do his homework without resentment
-get out of bed at the 2nd time of asking
-get up for his swim lesson on a Saturday morning

He's supposed to sort the recycling as well but I haven't pushed that one. I'd rather he did his homework properly.

Just to look around sometimes and notice/ act on things that need doing?

Imo that doesn’t work with kids/teens.

They need set responsibilities and then grow it from there.

Having a general “if something needs doing do it” set up will just lead to disagreements over how much has been done