To just want to cry at my imposter syndrome

[MaybeIWillFuckOffThen]

I am an intelligent, well qualified person. For whatever reason I have never been able to turn this into much real world success (lots of degrees, little career progression or success). I have a 5yo and a 1yo, I haven't slept properly for years and I feel like motherhood (and various other life challenges like a traumatic grief 4 yrs ago) have melted by brain and my ability to concentrate and keep up.

I most of the time feel like I don't know what I'm doing, like I'm coasting, like I'm failing. Whenever I ask colleagues/bosses if I'm delivering, they always say yes, they're happy, I'm fine etc.

I was just in a meeting I was supposed to be organising but turned out I was the least informed person in the room (not surprising since I've only been in the role 3 months, about half of which I was off with summer holidays, but still). I was so utterly exposed and completely mortified to have nothing relevant or insightful to add, felt like a total spare part and like everyone would be thinking "how does this woman even get paid?" like I do most of the time.

Didn't remember to take my SSRI this morning either which doesn't help. Realised this when I wondered why this relatively minor issue was making me want to full on cry at my desk.

I wish I could somehow return to the promise of my youth, when everyone always went on about how unusually clever I was, how quickly I could pick things up, and actually turn that into something. I feel like I have no real expertise, no real deep understanding of anything, like I've spent two decades just bullshitting and somehow just haven't been found out yet.

Which I know can't really be true, because if I was actually that shit and useless I'd surely have been found out by now by someone, disciplined, sacked, something? So it's just another way my shit brain is trying to kill me by making me unhappy - something it's already tried to do with depression - medicate that, then hormones - medicate that, on and on until I just feel like maybe I'm just not suited to life really if I'm constantly having to fend off these feelings of anxiety, unhappiness, inadequacy, spiritual loneliness, futility.

Ugh. imagine being someone who could have a minor embarrassing moment like this one and not just bloody spiral.

No point to this really, just need to try and evacuate it from my head so it doesn't eat my whole day up :(

It's so hard when you are conscientious and eager to do well at work.

Lately, I focus on the good things I have done. It's hard when you're new to a job to have a list of these but I'm sure you have some successes. Think of these and remind yourself that you CAN do it.

Re: today's meeting - can you remember any of the good points, useful things your colleagues said? Note these and be sure to include them in the minutes (if you're writing those) and also concentrate on how you can build on them for yourself. If you've only been on the job for a few months, it would be unreasonable to expect you to know everything. Maybe drop in to chat informally with some of them?

For comparison, a colleague started last September. As deputy head, he was running meetings but he had not even met most of us before then so although he had some ideas, equally he was looking to us for background info and suggestions. No doubt, as a new starter, your colleagues expect similar.

Can you nip home at lunch and take your meds? Maybe tomorrow bring a spare set and keep in your desk/handbag in case you forget them another day. Knowing that you haven't had your meds today is probably making you feel worse - just ratcheting up the anxiety.

Be kind to yourself!

Feel your pain. I always feel like the weather girl on GMB in my job - people only want to know if it’s going to be hot or snowing. I’m in a school.

Left out of conversations or worse talked over!!! I’m very good at my job but some people just have the knack of making me feel like the village idiot.

now I respond to them when they talk over me, usually either a as I was saying before X spoke over me …

bollocks to them

@tarheelbaby

Thank you for being kind <3 I will go home at lunch to get my tablet, that's a good idea. I'll go for a swim too which will pep me up. Urrgh. I just wish my head wasn't out to get me! But I suppose as long as I'm getting paid, I should probably leave it up to my managers to decide if I'm worth the money and not worry about it for them. Easier said than done! But I'm going to try.

Another thing I like to remind myself is that this is me operating on not one single unbroken night of sleep in almost two years, and only about 6 months or so of them in the past 5 years. It's not surprising I'm a little bit less than dazzling!

And breathe.

Thanks again!