Ds phobia of eaten food

[AdamAntlers]

Just checking if anyone has come across anything like this before? I had a sexist upbringing where the girls were expected to do all the chores but also quite an authoritarian upbringing. I’m trying to bring up DS6 to actively help in all aspects of the house but also be sensitive to his feelings.

so DS is absolutely repulsed by the sight of ‘eaten’ (bitten, left over bits on plates) food. He’s always hated it but I think it’s been exacerbated by the fact that a boy in his class took to spitting his chewn sandwiches on the table in front of DS last year. The boy was dealt with by the school but its depended DS’s disgust. I really understand where DS is coming from.

howver, as a result he absolutely hates clearing up other peoples used plates/ glasses from anywhere. I assume once he’s older he might struggle with washing them too. My 2 DDs clear all plates/ glasses/ utensils and I get DS to clear table mats and wipe down the table but I still see uncomfortable echoes of my childhood when my sisters and I did all the undesirable jobs.

just wanted to check im not sabotaging my own efforts to raise DS as a decent person to live with? Has anyone else or their children struggled with this? Is there anything I can do to help him? Did anyone grow out of it?

I think you’re making an issue out of nothing.

Great to give him jobs. But not ones that make him sick… my Partner (aged 53) cannot deal with puke or dog poo. Just makes him vomit. So I send him off to do the washing up instead.

I think you’ve already identified where this comes from. just ease him back in with gentle tasks.

It sounds like a sensory issue to me.
It is out of his control without therapy.

Spd around food.

My DS showed his disgust at others eating as a small toddler, he'd vomit or gag in preschool at lunchtime.

He still eats alone in school aged 7 despite a lot of OT focused on textures etc.

He is the same with smells and noisy people.

How old is your DS?

I would give it some time, he’s little and you can see where it’s coming from. I would worry more about the balance of the chores than the actual chores.

I have exactly this problem, although only with food and not drink. The thought of leftovers on a plate repulses me, and imagining getting any food remnants on my hands makes me feel sick. DP does things like taking the food waste bin out and cleaning bits out of the sink, but I know I can't make him do everything food related, so I'm very careful to not touch anything. When doing the washing up, I always use rubber gloves and a scrubby brush which really helps as there's no risk of anything touching my skin

I'm not sure when I started to feel like this or what caused it. I don't remember it as a child but I know it was definitely there as a teenager. I wish I didn't have this problem, as it must sound so pathetic to other people, but it is a genuine issue that really bothers me

Can he tidy away his own left over food?

Sometimes immersion therapy helps with this type of phobia

It definitely did with me

I had a 20 year old aversion to bananas because my brother when growing up would always leave the last inch of banana in its skin. One day it fell on the floor and I stood on it, in bare feet and the squishy banana went all in my toes - after that I couldn't watch people eat them, touch them, eat them myself or even smell them if they were very ripe

However in my early 20s I got house rabbits and they needed medicine mixed in with mashed banana, I had to do it to help them recover and from having to do this a few times I'm over it now.

I still don't want to eat banana but I can touch them, cut them up for my kids etc.

I had to read your op 3x

rather than worrying about a potentially quite debilitating phobia in your child - you are worried about nonsense about whether he will fit with you feminist ideals.

concentrate on addressing the actual issue rather than farting around with your own “right on” credentials

You really need to tackle this issue as he can't go through life having a phobia of eaten food left on a plate, though it may seem trivial to some it could turn out to be a nightmare further down the line for him.

I am 55 I have decided to end my ten month relationship because I felt he could not fullfill me emotionally. I get that this is a risk, in that at my age my options are limited!
He was quite cold, would routinely try to box my concerns or emotions off to a convenient time when he would then describe me as lacking positivity, or wallowing. He would begin sentences with ‘ I don’t like having a meal in the evening’ or ‘ I don’t want to go away in August’, which kind of blocks the response of ‘well I actually do.’
i get that it sounds petty, but I was wary of losing my self and my ability to say what I want.
I only ever saw him once a week, for sex and drinks and watching tv at his house. He was in regular touch with his ex wife as his son has bi polar. His son is 24.
was it unreasonable to end this relationship?

Start your own post instead of hijacking someone else's

You need to start your own thread.

He doesn't have a PHOBIA
He is just disgusted by left over foods

And you are doing nothing more than enabling him....

So yeah
Great approach..

I have very little time for ‘phobias’ like this. He need to do it and get over it. If it’s making him sick or gag, then I would consider therapy but honestly, it’s going to be exposure therapy isn’t it.

A person can’t go through life with a phobia of food that’s had a bite out of it. I appreciate it might be unpleasant for him and upsetting for you to see him upset but it needs to be tackled.

My DP says he was like this when he was small too. I asked him how he got over it but he says he just grew out of it, so possibly not that helpful, but it is something that can be overcome.

Let me add:
I gag having to touch bits of squishy food etc. But I do it. And I wear gloves.
Or use anything but my naked hand.
But I Do it.

I think I would just be very low key about it and not make it into a "thing". I think some repulsion of other people's leftover food is a natural reaction.

I wouldn't worry about who does what chore as long as he does something. If he's helping clear the table he's probably doing more than most 6 year olds!

I have this as well, didn't realise it was a thing. I just can't look at uneaten food on other people's plates, it really disgusts me. I can't look at the plate whilst I scrape the food into the food bin. I'm fine with my own but not other peoples

Will he at least do his own plate/cups?

In the interest of balance, get him pegging out the washing or cleaning the bathroom.

It's an odd one but I can understand it, especially with the friend spitting food out.
I think jumping into SPD or therapy is a stretch. I think I'd say 'yes, DS, I know it's yucky, you can spray it with anti-bac/fairy liquid if you want'
I don't know why but it might just help by making it seem cleaner???

Or just offer a different job? There's always things that we don't like doing.

I was like this as a child. I still struggle with it. I think my mum must be too as she can’t bear dirty plates being left on the table for a second after people have finished eating and must clear them away instantly even if others are still eating.

I would be happy to empty the dishwasher twice as long as I didn’t have to load it once. Can you think about that? Give him the choice of a more desirable job but one that takes longer - if his sisters are happy to do the less desirable jobs but they are quicker he will see the incentive of trying to learn to deal with it. He has the choice.

Don't ignore this and allow him to practice avoidance. That's the worst thing you can do. Avoidance is a maladaptive behaviour and it feeds (ie worsens or maintains) anxiety disorders, which if this isn't already could easily develop into.

He needs to come into contact with partially eaten foodstuffs as part of normal life. If left unchecked this could progress into him being unable to eat out or even eat with others et all.

He's still very little so it is possible he may grow out of it. If not, he needs to be exposed to it gradually while trying to work on his reflexive response. You could look up some ways of trying to do this yourself or explore finding a therapist to support you.

Meh. I think he needs to learn to get used to it. So wear gloves, wear a mask but do it. Maybe just starting with his own, and then the plates that have very little in the way of leftovers on? Because if he is allowed to swerve this while the DDs do it, it sends a message. What else will he be allowed to swerve?

and in 25 years his partner is writing on MN that her DH won't change nappies because they make him gag. (yes, reducto ab absurdium - sp? - is a useful tool here)

My DD is similar, although without the trigger. (She has form for using feeling sick to get out stuff she does't want to do though, and that's ALL chores. I would be a lot more sympathetic without this in the background)

It's not negotiable. She doesn't have to deal with other people's 'yucky' plates, but she does have to take care of her own. It wasn't 'gross' when she took a bite out of it, and it isn't now just because she isn't going to have another bite. I do not think it is too much for anyone to be expected to take a plate of food out to the kitchen. I load the dishwasher. She empties it.

I do think you should make him do it. It's not fair that he gets to decide a chore is not for him and his sisters pick up the slack. And taking care of your dishes is SO fundamentally 'your mess' It's not like hoovering or laundry. I'm all for a team covering each other for strengths and weaknesses, but it's not fair for more amenable team members to be exploited.

I'd problem solve though. Maybe he serves himself multiple TINY portions so there's nothing leftover. Maybe he buys paper plates. Maybe he gets to take his plate as soon as he's ready while he's still eating his last bite without asking to be excused. Maybe he has music or a stupid song or an Alexa joke to distract him. Maybe he takes everyone's glasses and you take his plate to start with.Maybe he gets to do it first, so there no other plates wherever you put them. Or last so he can hand it right to you. Whatever - ask him what would work for him about HOW he does it. But he does it.

If you decide he really can't do it, then he gets therapy and YOU do it, as his parent. Not his sisters. You can accommodate a genuine phobia, of course, but it's not a get-out-jail free card. The person with the phobia affecting their ability to clean up their own messes and requiring family to step up is freed from the effort of the chore only while they re-direct that effort into getting well. I can completely see that you don't want him to grow up with the idea that mowing the lawn once a fortnight is equivalent effort to cooking, cleaning and laundry for a family. I imagine what his father does is key, too. I assume there is a reason why his father isn't just stepping in, here (which would be another possible solution. I'd also be looking more closely at you assumption that if he can't do something his sisters, rather than his parents, should automatically pick up the slack. His fathers role is obviously very key there!)

This

DD can’t clear anyone else’s plate or deal with leftovers.
She does other things to help instead when clearing the table such as glasses, serving dishes etc.
DH is a bit less tolerant than me and rolls his eyes a bit but neither of us will make her