Am I overreacting?

[DonnieDark]

Sorry this is long...

My OH has a neighbour who comes over (a lot) and wants OH to party with him, and my gut feeling is that he wants to be validated in his bad behaviour so he needs OH to enable him.

He's been kicked out of pubs for being too drunk and he talks about women in such a derogatory way, boasting about using prostitutes and hitting on young girls, despite being married with a child. When he's out his wife calls and texts and he sees her as a burden - then applies this to all women. He absolutely hates that I challenge him on it and seems surprised I have a brain.

My OH has a mental illness and is vulnerable to meeting new people and thinking they're the best thing since sliced bread. He's been conned a number of times and he seems to take advice from people he hardly knows. I can see these people coming a mile off but he never listens.

One night the neighbour came over and brought some disgusting flavoured vodka. I no longer drink but he kept demanding they do shots until OH passed out in the bathroom no more than 3 ft away from where we were.

Neighbour was hammered too.

Obviously I was already pissed off that they'd drunk so much and wanted to get neighbour to leave, but ended up staying in the kitchen where I could see OH to make sure he was OK.

I was sitting on the worktop (relevant) and neighbour started to become belligerent, telling me he could 'get rid of me if he wanted'. He got way too close to me and put his hands on the worktop either side of my legs so I couldn't move away.

He asked me if I love OH and when I said yes, he responded with 'are you sure?'. He leaned in saying 'what if I did what I'm thinking about? Would you tell OH?'

I was leaning back as far as I could because he was so close his spit was landing on my face and he was squeezing my thigh. When I wouldn't play ball called me a bitch.

He'd brought fear to the place I'd felt safe and as someone with a lot of sexual trauma in my past I just felt like no matter where I was I couldn't escape it.

I tried to tell OH next morning and cried my eyes out, assuming he'd see this as a total betrayal and be angry that the neighbour had done this when OH was passed out, but he didn't seem to understand why it was a big deal, saying that neighbour was just drunk and made a mistake. I didn't tell him the whole thing because I was still so shocked, but he did tell neighbour that calling me a bitch was out of order.

Neighbour brought flowers round for me and I felt pressured to accept his apology.
I felt like I needed to tell OH what happened in detail in an email because I couldn't face arguing, and his reaction was that it was 'a mistake' and that as neighbour had apologised I should just forget about it, but I can't. My stomach turns when I hear neighbour's voice on the phone or outside the window.

I know people do stupid things under the influence but that clearly came from somewhere - he'd already shown himself to be a misogynistic prick when he's sober.

Am I overreacting or was this a big deal? I've lost all objectivity.

Please talk to your therapist about your codependency.
You have just enabled your OH to carry on being besties with the man who sexually abused & terrified you.

That is such an unhealthy decision to have made I am really worried for you.

Now the neighbour has got away with his appalling treatment of you, he will escalate. He knows your OH will back him instead of you. What do you think he is going to do to you next time he feeds OH enough booze to make him pass out? Will you Stand By Your Man while he defends the neighbour again?

I am sorry at how brutally that has come out OP. I'm also really sorry about what that awful man did to you, & that your OH cannot, or refuses, to perceive the amount of damage that has been done to you. He is living next door to a bloody sociopath, & your OH is no defence against what he could do to you.

Have a long think about the kind of man who props up a sexual predator who attacked his own partner, dismissed the partner's fears & outrage, & carries on being best pals with the predator.
Now stop making excuses for OH, & see him for what he is. He's the best mate of a misogynist, he was raised by misogynists, & he expects you to "forgive" being sexually assaulted because the predator bought you a bunch of flowers FFS.
You do all the running & caretaking in the relationship. Look what it's earned you. It's not respect, or care, or protection, is it?

Can you book some extra time with your therapist to thrash out why you feel the need to excuse your OH? As PP said upthread - a man who covers for a sexual predator is just as bad as that predator.

He won't come in the house now thankfully

My therapist agrees that it was unacceptable but maybe thinks that blowing it all up would be worse for me? Either way she hasn't suggested I end the relationship.

My MH is very complex even besides bipolar. I've done things I'm not proud of when unwell so I suppose I tend to let things go more readily, which has actually made me a lot happier in general.

Part of me wonders if OH thinks I've embellished the story because I waited all this time to tell him all the details...

It is not normal for a partner not to go nuts if a friend tries it on with their partner. Drunk or not.

You need to end this relationship, it doesn't sound healthy at all. 2 very mentally ill people cant fix each other.

My therapist agrees that it was unacceptable but maybe thinks that blowing it all up would be worse for me? Either way she hasn't suggested I end the relationship.
Of course she hasn't - it's not a therapist's role to tell you what to do.
I'm suggesting it though. Only you can make that choice, but the relationship appears to based on total enmeshment & co-dependency, & I wonder what's in it for you?

He won't come in the house now thankfully
OH is still gonna carry on being best mates with the sexual predator though.
& I wouldn't trust the word of either of them.
These are the men who think you are making a fuss about nothing, & that's it's ok to "make a mistake" sexually assault & threaten a woman, so long as you buy her some flowers afterwards.

My therapist makes a lot of suggestions tailored towards dealing with the here and now, things like how to word difficult conversations.

We never try to fix each other, we've both been responsible for our own wellbeing and sought support when needed.

I totally get what everyone is saying, but I'm angry that I have to lose my relationship because someone else did something awful. He wins if I do.

I couldn’t stay with a man who excused away a threat of rape and I don’t think you should either.

I totally get what everyone is saying, but I'm angry that I have to lose my relationship because someone else did something awful. He wins if I do.

Oh sweetheart.
PP aren't feeling your relationship is unhealthy for you because of what Predatory Neighbour did.
It's because of your OH's appalling reaction to what Predatory Neighbour did.

Your OH does not have your back, enjoys associating with a misogynistic, violent arsehole, & expects you to back down & shut up about the horrible sexual assault against you.

It's not about a zero sum game with either you or the neighbour winning.
It's about protecting yourself, because your OH won't, & that is distinctly bad news for the health of your relationship.

A healthy woman would walk away now. She might even report to the police.
But your instinct is to play along with being shut down, not cause bother to the menfolk, & accept your OH's dreadful minimising of the offence committed against you.

What would your therapist say to that?
And where do you feel that this tendency to put yourself last comes from?

Op, every horrible man has a tragic back story to explain why they are such a piece of shit. It doesn’t mean you have to tolerate their awful behaviour. You don’t exist to fix him.

I've put myself first plenty of times, and I don't routinely let people walk all over me. I realise I sound very passive but this kind of stuff has happened to me so many times, all of the men known to me who had never shown any tendency towards this behaviour.

I don't know if OH thinks that because nothing physical happened, other than him touching my leg, that it's just drunken words. I've found that men just don't seem to get it. Even my DF seems oblivious when I've told him about much worse in the past. They always respond with 'he's always so polite, a nice guy'. It doesn't occur to them that abusers don't go around with signs on their foreheads. Female friends too.

I've had to start letting go of that stuff to protect my MH

I don't know if OH thinks that because nothing physical happened, other than him touching my leg, that it's just drunken words.

Him touching your leg IS something physical. That was assault and he should not of done it, drunk or not.

I've found that men just don't seem to get it.

I'll agree with this, I work in a male dominated environment and I've heard them come out with some very questionable things, regarding consent (I always speak up though and make it clear what they are saying is wrong). However, I also know plenty of guys who do completely get it, and would never disrespect a woman's boundaries like your neighbour did, and wouldnt laugh along with a man who had.