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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not tell my best friend these things ?

29 replies

howardtheducksrightfoot · 30/08/2022 09:41

I'm recently started a weight loss journey. This is watching what I eat and going walking/running/swimming. I've not told my best friend as I want this to be something I do for myself with the exercise in my time, when/if it suits me, doing the routes I want to go and often they are a last minute do or don't go out for walk/run, depending on how I feel. If I tell her, she will then want to come and it will then turn into doing things at times around her, routes to accommodate her 3 dogs, the walks will turn into strolls and they wont be as long as I want them to be in terms of distance.

I'm also on a mission to change my wardrobe. This is huge for me as I rarely see anything I like and which fits me. Me & my friend have a joke between us that our wardrobes are both 10 years old plus. Again, I've not told my friend and instead I am buying new bits as I see them (I've had some miracle turn in taste and am suddenly seeing loads of different things that I like, things I wouldn't usually go for). She will see me wearing these things, I'm not hiding them from her, Is it weird I am not telling her ?

I guess another reason for not telling her about the new purchases is that she will then assume I have money to do stuff. Yes I have money to treat myself to a £30/£40 dress once a month for example, but not £200 for a random weekend away, which is the type of thing my friend is always wanting to do.

AIB a sh*t friend ?

OP posts:

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 30/08/2022 09:42

You don't have to share everything with your friend, it's perfectly ok not to.

LadyDanburysHat · 30/08/2022 09:43

I don't think you are a shit friend. But I would question how good a friendship you have with someone you call your best friend if you aren't able to tell her you are exercising and want to do it alone. You shouldn't need to worry that a friend will railroad you to her way.

Wombat27A · 30/08/2022 09:45

And no, you can't exercise properly with 3 dogs in tow...

This more about boundaries than anything else.

WimpoleHat · 30/08/2022 09:46

You’re not unreasonable not to share anything you don’t wish to with anyone. But this sounds like a rather toxic friendship to me - she sounds rather domineering?

WTF475878237NC · 30/08/2022 09:46

Doesn't sound like my idea of close friendship at all. I don't have close friends who would make my own plans all about them to the extent I would keep this life change a secret.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 30/08/2022 09:46

I think it is totally fine and normal to want to do something for yourself. Possibly your friend sounds a bit controlling maybe without even realising they are doing it. In a healthy friendship you should be able to say - I bought this dress for £20 but I don't have the money for a weekend away at £200. I think you are right to try and reset the boundaries.

LindsayStauffer · 30/08/2022 09:46

You really don't have to tell her everything in your life.

But also: could it help you overall if you learned some assertiveness skills with this specific friend? It sounds like if she suggests a £200 weekend away you feel like you have to justify why you can't go, or if she suggests accompanying you on a walk you feel like you have to agree to it.

You don't have to do either of these things.

Congrats on your journey towards a healthier lifestyle! I've recently started the same and have had a few local friends suggest we go jogging together, I personally can't exercise with others as it distracts me from music which in turn distracts me from the burning in my lungs haha, so I just explain that I prefer doing it alone and normal people are fine with that. Does your friend have a history of overstepping boundaries or railroading you? I really would look into assertiveness so you're not having to either hide what you're up to or alternatively feel like if you do share it you then have to go along with her whims. It doesn't sound like the healthiest friendship I have to say!

Wazzaland · 30/08/2022 09:47

You don't need to tell everyone everything in your life. There is nothing wrong with having things for yourself. I will be honest, I struggle with friendships because they always seem to me like a huge compromise with very little in return. I get the whole companionship thing, but a lot of the time I find it easier to be alone.

But if you had to be 100% hand on heart honest, is your friend someone who likes to make everything all about her?

nzeire · 30/08/2022 09:48

I think it’s nice to be a little private! And the exercising thing I totally get, I don’t want to wait around for someone and adjust my route, pace etc

sounds fab what you’re doing!

ThisisCollie2022 · 30/08/2022 09:51

Well done op for having some boundaries and prioritising your goals and alone time.

Your best friend sounds like she socks the joy out of things and you'll have better results doing this alone.

Well done on finding yourself :) 👏

floridamanatee · 30/08/2022 09:58

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I have a friend who wants to join along with everything I do, but has to make it a competition. Losing weight together would soon turn into who has walked more miles, burned the most calories or eaten the healthiest that day. You aren't being secretive, you just aren't doing it 'together'. Sometimes it's easier.

RincewindsHat · 30/08/2022 10:01

I would definitely find it weird if one of my friends was actively and consciously hiding this stuff from me, and it would make me anxious as to why and what they thought of me that they couldn't just tell me so I could be happy for them.

GetYourShitTogether · 30/08/2022 10:05

Your not wrong in not saying.
But my friends I could give those reasons to and there would be no issue and if there happened to be, and someone was pushing those valid reasons- then I would consider if they were a close friend.

Original poster

howardtheducksrightfoot · 30/08/2022 10:12

Thanks for all the replies. I am amazed how you have managed to read my friend ( I don't have these skills !) @WimpoleHat yes she is domineering. @LindsayStauffer yes I feel I have to justify to her why I am not going/doing something and she massively oversteps boundaries and railroads me with anything and everything. @Wazzaland yes she makes it all about her. @floridamanatee yes she would make it into a competition and tbh , from past experiences, I think she makes up how well she has done for weight loss/exercise in a week e.g. I lost 2lb in a week, she lost 3. I ran 2 miles, she did 3, type of thing.

It is just sooo much easier doing these things alone.

OP posts:

PonyTime · 30/08/2022 10:13

YANBU

But it doesn't sound like she is much of a friend

Let alone a best friend

ThisisCollie2022 · 30/08/2022 10:14

Practice being vague. She sounds very much like my friend and I feel like i cant give details. Her shit is always browner

Be strong 💪

MyneighbourisTotoro · 30/08/2022 10:14

Personally I don’t think best friends need to share absolutely everything or do everything together but I also wouldn’t think a best friend would make you feel this way, they shouldn’t change your plans by automatically including themselves, they should support you!
You should be able to say things freely like you are planning to exercise without fear of her wanting to tag along with her dogs, it’s perfectly reasonable to want to work on yourself in your own time and on your own.

Trying20 · 30/08/2022 10:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn by the OP

MintyGreenDreams · 30/08/2022 10:30

I exercise alone I prefer it.Yanbu.

Letsrunabath · 30/08/2022 10:37

Much easier to exercise on your own. You are doing well, don’t worry.

Original poster

howardtheducksrightfoot · 30/08/2022 10:44

TBH, there is quite a lot I don't tell my friend. I don't tell her what I am buying/have brought my 2 DDs for christmas, my friend will copy my ideas (her DDs are the same age as mine) and whereas I don't mind her buying the same, I've in effect done all the thinking for her. And the thinking/knowing what to buy is the hardest part. She then just waltzes out and buys it after I have spent days/weeks googling for ideas.

OP posts:

10HailMarys · 30/08/2022 10:48

howardtheducksrightfoot · 30/08/2022 10:12

It is just sooo much easier doing these things alone.

She's not really your friend, is she? She's just some weird bully who apparently rules your life. You appear to be completely terrified of her. What on earth is going on? That's not a friendship. It sounds utterly suffocating. It's not normal for a friend to want to come every time you want to exercise. It's not normal for a friend to push you to spend money you don't have. It's not normal to feel you have to tell your friend whenever you buy a new item of clothing.

The fact that you have started to exercise, eat well and are enjoying buying yourself clothes you like and having a bit of a style change suggests that you have started taking charge of your life a bit more - it's a really positive step, so bloody well done! See this as the start of your journey not just towards fitness and feeling better about yourself, but also about taking control of other areas of your life too, including saying no to people and putting some boundaries in place.

You do not have to be friends with people you don't like. And even when you do like someone, you do not have to be joined at the hip or do everything their way.

SunnyD44 · 30/08/2022 10:52

I’m really confused why you feel guilty at not telling your friend.

It’s different if you were moving countries or something that may impact her.

Eating healthier, exercising and buying new clothes aren’t something you tell people about unless it comes up in conversation.

The only reason people tell others about going on a weight loss journey is to make sure they stick to it.
But it sounds like you are doing just fine.

It’s good to keep some things to yourself.

ClaryFairchild · 30/08/2022 11:06

So who decided you're best friends, her?

Because she really doesn't let you have boundaries.

I think along with the weight loss you should make some new friends who are more respectful toward you, and put a bit of space between yourself and this so called best friend of yours.

LindsayStauffer · 30/08/2022 12:23

Be honest OP:

If your friend evaporated from your life tomorrow would you feel sad or would you breathe a sigh of relief?

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