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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to insist on moving house even though my teenage dd says she doesn't want to?

39 replies

curlywurlywee · 22/01/2008 10:26

I would really love some advice on this one as I really don't know how to handle it.

Me and my dh have been wanting to move into the next door town for years and now have the opportunity to do it. A house has come up that we can just about afford and it ticks all the boxes and we really like it. Last night, we went to view it for a 2nd time and took dd, who is 14. She had a face like a slapped arse all the way through, which was quite embarrassing because the agent kept looking at her stony faced expression.

We got home and asked her what she thought of it. She said she didn't like it (by the way it's in a nice area and is a modern 4 bed detached). She didn't want to move to this town as there are a lot of rough kids from her school living there (it's actually a very small town and I lived there about 7 years ago and loved it). She doesn't want to go on the school bus. She thinks the house is too small. Blah blah blah. I was really upset by this as this is everything I've wanted for years and now it seems ruined by her attitude.

Should I listen to her and not do it or just do it anyway?

By the way, she isn't thinking about any specific kids and she's not being bullied - she just doesn't want to do it. I've told her that she doesn't have to hang out on street corners at night with them - she can just stay away.

OP posts:

VictorianSqualor · 22/01/2008 10:31

Are you willing to drive her over to see her friends?
I'd imagine that's the problem, I wouldn't have wanted to move away form my friends at 14, maybe if you could reach a compronise about how she is able to go to where you live now then she might be more agreeable, sorry but I think at 14 she has a right to have a say in the matter.

Original poster

curlywurlywee · 22/01/2008 10:34

Good point VS but actually, she has no friends near where we live either, so I have to drive her where she wants to go now. Also, the town next door is only 5 minutes away. If it was that simple, I could fix it. I agree that she has right to say in the matter but what if her arguments don't make any sense?

OP posts:

chopchopbusybusy · 22/01/2008 10:35

Hmm... very difficult decision. I think you need to talk to her more about what exactly her fears are. For example, this presumably means that she won't be within walking distance of her current friends. Are you willing to drive her to friends houses at weekends and in the evening - or is there public transport that she could use. How rough are the other children? Are you sure you're happy with the move if it is rougher?
I have a 14 year old DD too and tbh if an (unnecessary) house move was going to cause her to be genuinely unhappy, I'd delay it until she left school.

chopchopbusybusy · 22/01/2008 10:36

x post - I really must speed up!

rantinghousewife · 22/01/2008 10:38

But teenagers don't like change full stop, do they?
I think as you have to live there too and YOU are paying for it, then I'd have a chat with her and tell her, yes you understand her concerns but, unfortunately she's going to have to roll with it. Let her have her say but, I really do think, it's just the way teenagers are.

VictorianSqualor · 22/01/2008 10:40

I'd say to her that if she can convince me it is going to be worse for her, with no etars and tantrums and strops, but in an adult discussion, then I'd be happy to consider not moving, but I'd need to see that she wasn't just being a 14year old!

If every argument she comes up with cna be 'solved' then she has to go, and you buy the house.

Tortington · 22/01/2008 10:40

i find money solves this problem - picking out bedroom furniture decor etc

you catagorically shouldnt lose this house becuase of your 14 year old.

ask her what the problem is and try and solve it - but dont pussy foot around - tell her this is what your doing and its tough shit - if she wants your help in navigating friends and logistics - you will do your best - bot otherwise put her face traight

MotherFunk · 22/01/2008 10:44

Message withdrawn

Original poster

curlywurlywee · 22/01/2008 10:44

We live in Devon so in the grand scheme of things it's not rough to that degree. It's groups of teenagers hanging out on street corners as they do everywhere. Also, I have several friends who live in the town who have not experienced any problems and I certainly didn't when I lived there. It is a good area and is more expensive to buy houses as a result. Life would actually be easier for her as there are buses that run to where her friends are and there is a proper town centre (very small). We live in the styx at the mo and she has no friends locally so it makes no difference to her at all. In light of this, do any of you think I'm being unreasonable?

OP posts:

lalalonglegs · 22/01/2008 10:44

She's 14, she's probably not going to like anything you do, I'd take no notice.

Chequers · 22/01/2008 10:45

Message withdrawn

VictorianSqualor · 22/01/2008 10:46

Devon was on the Tv last night, highest teen pregancy rate apparently

But anyway, Like I said, give ehr the opportunity to put her points forward and see why she doesn;t want to move, if it;s not a good enough reason, she doesnt get a say, if it is however then I would say listen to her.(Though the fact that you've posted this already says you're willing to listen IMO)

Ineedacleaner · 22/01/2008 10:47

I moved a couple of times when I was younger and every time I didn't want to but always settled in.
The thing here is that you are not moving to the other sied of the world she will be going to the same school will be seeing the same friends every day there so I would be tempted to say tough.

Also no offence to your daughter but she is 14 and in a few years will be going away to University possibly or something of the sort. How would you and your dh feel then if you missed this oppertunity??
Yes at 14 she should have a say but you also should not put your whole life on hold because she doesn't like what you want to do.

Original poster

curlywurlywee · 22/01/2008 10:47

Really appreciate your view points on this. I think I'll talk to her again and see if there is anything she's not telling me because at the moment I don't think her arguments stack up that well. She's not at home much anyway because she's always out socialising or at her dad's every other weekend.

I'm so angry with her that I couldn't talk to her this morning - I'm prob being a bit childish myself but I'm so cross at the mo

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edam · 22/01/2008 10:50

I think lala has summed it up nicely. By all means try to have a sensible conversation with her where she actually explains her feelings, but no way would I let her stop you moving. (Don't tell her that ahead of the conversation, though...)

QuintessentialShadow · 22/01/2008 10:54

I agree with Custy on this, try talk to her about her new room, getting some nice new "grown up" teen age furniture, like a sofa bed, take her to some furniture shops, maybe she wants to chose curtains, etc.

That approach is working well with my 5 1/2 year old, (and the snow) as we are moving to my native Norway.

GetOrfMoiLand · 22/01/2008 11:00

hmm, I agree with Custardo in most of it, try and involve her in the move and make it as positive for her as you can, room decoration etc etc. But don't let her stop you making that move if that is what you really want.

On the other hand, I grew up in Devon and only moved away a couple of years ago, lots of incidents of kids hanging around and causing trouble, and imo it is actually worse than some other parts of the country because there simply isn't that much to do in Devon, I lived in a reasonable size town and there was notjing for kids to do than get pissed, smoke pot and generally cause mayhem. So perhaps you dd has a point in this regard.

Also buses were notoriously crap - 1 bus every 2 hours from out town to the next, so perhaps research that before you make a decision - they may not run as regularly as you think.

Original poster

curlywurlywee · 22/01/2008 11:51

I agree that there isn't much to do in Devon and VS, the teenage pregnancy rate is the highest in Torbay, which is a really rough part of Devon - fortunately, we don't live there. I like your ideas of involving her in new furniture for her bedroom etc - I will do that with her.

Why do we mothers suffer from so much guilt in all this stuff? I'm sure that years ago, us kids never had any say at all, which I don't necessarily agree with, but they are only kids and cannot make major life decisions as they don't run the finances etc etc.

OP posts:

LolaTheShowgirl · 22/01/2008 14:27

Do you think she's scared of town life when she's been living in the middle of nowhere?

Original poster

curlywurlywee · 22/01/2008 15:17

Lola, good point, but it's a very small town/large village. I think you have a point though - I think it's fear of some kind, possibly getting on a large school bus. I do sympathise that this may not be easy for her but my view is that life is tough and we all have to do things that scare us a bit. As she grows up, these things will become more common in her life and it is something that she will have to endure. As far as I'm aware, there is no one person who's causing her problems. In fact in lots of ways, she's a tough cookie who is definitely not bullied - she can stand up for herself. I think it may be change she's afraid of. Perhaps I'll have another chat with her tonight to see if I can get any more info out of her. It's a really lovely house despite the fact that she thinks it's small. Her father has a wacking great house by the way so she might be comparing it to that unwittingly.

OP posts:

greyskythinker · 22/01/2008 15:28

CWW, along the same lines of trying to involve DD, you could try sitting down with her and making a wish list for what her ideal house would have / location etc. Could maybe look on property web-sites to see if there is anything else that floats her boat in the same price range.

Not suggesting that you allow her to dictate, but just to give some ownership of the decision-making. If this house is perfect though, I wouldn't let it pass you by. Love the suggestions re choosing decoration. Offers of a plasma screen may tip the balance

hanaflower · 22/01/2008 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

curlywurlywee · 22/01/2008 15:36

The house is perfect and something of this size at this price is unlikely to come along again. I have been watching the market for about two years now so this feels make or break. I hate upsetting her but don't want her to rule the roost either. I'll try to be a bit calmer tonight though.

I was so angry with her last night I couldn't bring myself to speak civilly to her. Now I feel guilty about it. Guilt, guilt all the time!

I have tried to explain to her that she doesn't need to hang out on the street corner with the horrible kids at night. She's not that type anyway, in fact she's a very sensible girl. She has also applied for a job in this place which would make everyone's life easier. Why can't teenagers see what's right before their noses! I suppose I didn't when I was her age if I'm being honest.

OP posts:

hippipotami · 22/01/2008 15:38

I had to move house (and even countries) every few years because of my dad's job. It involved going to schools in countries where I did not speak the language. The last move was when I was 15.

I did not like it, but that was tough. I was the child, they were the parents. There was no way dad would have missed on on promotion and mum on her dream of a bigger house in a different location because I was not willing to move.

So, remind her you are the parent, you are in charge. Soften the blow with new bedroom furniture (but do not go overboard, you are only moving to the next town, she is not even moving schools or losing friends is she, so it should be no big deal)

expatinscotland · 22/01/2008 15:45

we all did our time being teens and not being able to control our own lives entirely.

now that that time is over, well, i'm the adult now, so i'm not going to have my life dictated by a teen.

if they want to live elsewhere, when they're 16 they can get a job, move to where tehy want and support themselves in living the life they want.

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