Would like to know how it all works after long break

[backtothegrind]

Hi, I've been a SAHM for the past 6 years and our youngest is now starting school. She can go to school from 8am and the jobs I'm going for are pretty flexible.

But I'm going into entry level on around 25K/year while husband is on £40K/year.

So, what's fair? What's the norm? What's advised? Regarding childcare and costs? If you are able to help?

He finishes work at 4:30pm and I might finish at a flexible time but I don't want to pick up every single day. I want it to be fair. But perhaps it can't be until I earn the same as him?

Who do you get to pick them up if neither of us can? Is it a childminder or is there some scheme?

Would it be fair for us to pay equally for this or would the higher earner the one to pay?

If I earn less do I contribute less? Just looking for what people do because I'm unsure. I don't want to do more than I should be, I've been doing all the housework and a bit of part-time work for six years. I'm looking forward to focusing on other things and spending more time out of the house.

Thanks for input.

I think you need to think about what you want to work and also what childcare options you prefer.

You need to have a proper conversation with her husband about who pays for what. You'll likely not earn the same due to the gender pay gap and him being so far ahead (although obviously I have no idea of your career options so take that however you like).

For us all earnings go into the same pot and we pay for childcare from this or mostly we juggle childcare between us 50/50. It's not a case of you know earns more than who. It's what works best for our unit overall.

we share but DH wfhs some days & they also go to sports clubs. It's harder in school then it was at nursery. We have a cleaner & Im not f/t but DH may get them even if i'm not working.

Are you talking about money in general?

I would stop thinking of fairness and more practicalities

It sounds like you're already a bit resentful in this post but it's hard to gauge tone

For us, I am the higher earner but do school drop off and pick up as my work is more flexible and I WFH 4 days a week.

DH does drop off and pick up on my one day in the office

In terms of finances in your shoes I'd do a joint account based on % earned. So if one person earns 50% more than the other they pay 50% more in to the pot.

This would cover costs of child minders if you needed them.

That's interesting, what do I seem resentful of?

@backtothegrind

The 'I don't want to be doing more than I should be'
'Is this fair'
'I've already been doing all the housework and working part time'

Those are all snippy comments and make you seem resentful

If you've been at home 6 years you weren't presumably contributing financially to the bills then? I'm not sure your starting salaries can be compared unless you are doing the same job? Most people tend to share bills 50/50 or split relative to their income. Companies are much more flexible than they used to be with timings and picks up etc so until you have secured employment it's probably something you can plan our yet. Breakfast and after school clubs are usually available

How does it work now? Do you both have access to the same personal spending money & are you generally happy & trusting of each other??

If so then it's simple: your salary goes into the pot, childcare costs come out, the remainder gets spent or saved for the benefit of the whole family.

If finances aren't already fair, or are tricky, or you're actually planning your exit from the marriage then you might want to do things differently. In that case you could both pay a proportion of your incomes into the family pot and keep the rest?! if you're married it won't make much difference upon divorce but may affect cash flow post split pre divorce

As for pick ups and domestic load, I think the fairest way to split this is relative to hours worked NOT salary earned. So if he's working 40 hours and you're working 20 then yea you do more. But if youre both FT then you both need to flex to share

Salaries irrelevant imo. You both pay all wages into one joint account leaving the same amount each in your own accounts as personal spending money. Childcare and all bills paid from joint money. Pickups and drop off done by whoever finds it easier or use school wraparound care or childminder.

Hopefully your dh sees you as more than an economic unit so won’t base his contributions to family life based on how much you each earn. Although sadly this isn’t uncommon.

Don’t engage in debates about the tone of your post OP, it’s a pointless distraction.

Most people pay expenses out of a joint account and either

1. pay all money into thst from bother earners (this is easiest but unusual(, or
2. pay into that account in proportion to your earnings. So eg if he earns twice what you do, he would pay in twice what you do.

Pickups are harder and kid sick days are hardest and they are sick so often... Every couple I know argues about this, and usually the man just assumes the mum will do it all. (Usually the school phones the mum first with problems even when specifically told not to. There was a twitter thread about this where the child asked the school to phone the dad, the school form listed the dad as the main contact, and they still phoned the mum (who was a judge, in a trial).

Childcare you either pay for a regular option like childminder / after school club, OR you manage as a couple by negotiating with each other. Many mums want a service where someone will pick up the child if the parents are both stuck at work - but such a service doesn’t really exist. Friends from school can help out occasionally with emergencies but will soon come to resent it.

Housework, life admin etc the dad will be out of habit cleaning etc and will not do a fair share unless forced to. Research regularly shows that women do the vast majority of house crap even when also working 😐 Expect many arguments about this - and consider having a regular deep clean by a company if money allows.

Congratulations on your return to work!