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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so hard on my teens

26 replies

Dramachameleon · 29/08/2022 15:54

I have 2 DD, 12 and 14 and both get on well in school, have friends and apart from usual teen stuff are well behaved.

However I find myself constantly annoyed by their phone use. One does tennis 3 times a week and hockey, the other does tennis once, running twice and soccer twice a week so they are busy, however time at home apart from meals is often spent on screens. We have nighttime rule so none past 9pm, but later over the summer .

Reading, crafts, baking etc are all put aside. I feel like a failure and I feel I am being quite critical of the girls who apart from this, really are good girls.

Am I being overly neurotic or critical and is this just teens ?? I don’t want to be the nothing is good enough mum but am aware I might be heading that way

OP posts:
Notanotherwindow · 29/08/2022 15:56

This is just teenagers. If you force activities on them, they'll just end up hating them.

superram · 29/08/2022 15:57

I try not to worry too much. They have other interests so they are exercising and you’ve limited the lateness.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 29/08/2022 15:58

They’re unwinding after their physical activities.

Who wants to bake a cake after playing tennis?

Leave them alone.

Anon50000 · 29/08/2022 15:59

Yes you are being overly critical.

Sunnyqueen · 29/08/2022 16:00

Leave them alone. They're doing fine by the sounds of it.

SiobhanSharpe · 29/08/2022 16:04

They're doing ok. You have firm boundaries and it sounds like the DDs mostly keep to them.
i think I'd give them a bit more responsibility and choice, lighten up a bit, see how it goes. Life might be easier.

GreenWheat · 29/08/2022 16:05

They are doing the things they like as opposed to the "little kid" activities like crafting and baking that they might have enjoyed when younger. It's hard to let go, but they need to be allowed to do things they like in their spare time. They sound quite busy and active so you don't need to worry

Andromachehadabadday · 29/08/2022 16:08

Phones or not, Loads of teenagers won’t be bothered by crafts or baking. Some will come back to them later. I think you are expecting them to not change and like doing things they have always done.

I stopped enjoying reading in mid teens and started loving it again in my mid twenties. I didn’t have a mobile phone as a teen. My interests still changed. Not a chance would I have wanted to do school, hobby, have dinner then get the baking out.

They can’t even be on their phones that’s much. Take out school time, hobby time, sleep, meals and the fact that they go off at 9pm….how much time do they actually spend on them.

pastaandpesto · 29/08/2022 16:12

OP, I'm with you. Three teens/tweens here and I just hate the way they default to screens. Like you, we are strict about them going off overnight, and at the dinnertable. But I feel that screen use is interfering with them developing other skills, and no matter how much I try and tell myself it is the new normal for kids, I can't reason away my deep discomfort with it. I guess only time will tell if I was right to be this worried.

Sandysandwich · 29/08/2022 16:13

They sound like they are doing great, I would let them be and enjoy their down time on their phones
.
I don't know any teenagers who would finish their school work, homework, 3 days of sports, eat meals with their family, stop screens at 9pm and then decide to do crafts? Crafts and baking for fun generally stops by secondary school unless they have a particular interest in it.
They sound like they are doing perfectly.

Foldingchair · 29/08/2022 16:19

We've just been away for the weekend. Lots of time on the beach, doing activities etc.

Been back a couple of hours. Kids have vanished to their rooms to game/ phone whatever. Dh has been on his phone. I've flitted about, but have ended up on my phone. We're all knackered and chilling out. I could read, but reading feels indulgent, whereas I can kid myself that I'll go and do something productive in a minute.

Penguinfeather781 · 29/08/2022 16:20

I know a few people who’d absolutely kill for their teen daughter’s biggest issue to be spending a few too many hours on screens. You sound overly critical to me - they do sports, they are doing well at school, they have friends, they’re well behaved, they eat meals - the screens clearly aren’t causing too much harm.

shazzybazzy34 · 29/08/2022 16:31

They sound like great kids, cut them some slack.

Delatron · 29/08/2022 17:12

Choose your battles. If they are happy, doing lots of sports, doing well at school then I’d leave it.

Of course we’d all prefer them to be reading, learning a new language etc etc. But that’s not realistic. My DH gets cross with our DS 13 for ‘lounging around in his bedroom doing nothing’. But he plays so much sport and has long hours at school I think it’s fine. If you end up going in to battle with them over this they’ll only shut you out.

Agree with another poster - if a few hours of screen time is your biggest concern with teens you’re doing well. Many friends have teens with serious mental health issues, self harm, anorexia..
This is also why I cut my DS1 some slack. He seems happy and healthy so I’m grateful for that.

lailamaria · 29/08/2022 18:46

honestly you sound way too critical of them, you can't make further conditions on phone use just because you wish they chose to bake a cake than scroll on instagram

Original poster
Dramachameleon · 29/08/2022 19:29

Thanks all for the feedback, it’s what I needed to hear. Like @pastaandpesto said, I am concerned but I guess I do need to lighten up a bit as these problems are pretty small compared to what they could be

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 29/08/2022 19:33

They are already doing plenty. Lighten up OP.

I8toys · 29/08/2022 19:50

You need to find a life outside of your kids - this is too regimented. They will not thank you for being overbearing when they are older. It is the school holidays not even during school time.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 29/08/2022 20:11

We live in a digital age. They sound fine to me. Mines permanently attached to hers.

At 15/16 we stopped limiting it as we trusted her.

She managed to get 10 great GCSEs

Original poster
Dramachameleon · 29/08/2022 20:38

@I8toys Well I have a fairly senior job, hobby, lots of friends, elderly mother so I definitely do have a life outside the kids !

OP posts:
I8toys · 29/08/2022 20:41

Apologies I was unfair. Please relax a little. Its okay to give and take with the teens.

Goldenbear · 29/08/2022 20:58

I appreciate your concern but my 15 year old won't read if you tell him to, he will when you don't - if that makes sense. I worry about the excessive use of the phone and viewing endless rubbish Tik Tok videos but my Dad equally was always disappointed in me for watching teen 'American rubbish' as he would call it like Party of Five or Dawson's Creek and I felt like a huge lt down tbh.

Goldenbear · 29/08/2022 20:59

Huge let down not 'it'

ManateeFair · 29/08/2022 21:02

I think at that age they should really be allowed to do whatever they want in their spare time. They have busy lives with school and sport. Let them have their down time to do what they please. They don’t need pushing to do activities; they’re not five.

billy1966 · 29/08/2022 21:13

Definitely ease up.

I have hockey/tennis players here, they need their down time too.

Phones are how they relax, music or reading, tik tok.

Too much at them and they might drop sport to annoy you.

I have heard of several cases over the years of over invested parents dealing with complete sports refusal come 14-16, because they were sick of the expectations from home.

If they refuse at that age, there really is NOTHING you can do.