Am I being over sensitive?

[wonderingwanderer2]

I’m under quite a lot of strain right now and a couple of things my boyfriend has done have really upset me but I can’t tell if I am overreacting

I’m 32, he’s 33, no kids been together 18 months. We only see each other at weekends usually - it’s just more convenient because the working week is tiring and we often work late/have other commitments.

so today is a bank holiday. I asked on Friday what he was up to and if he wanted to do something and he was unsure so I went ahead and organised plans with my friends. But it’s not like we see loads of each other and he’s not actually doing anything today so it does make me feel a bit unwanted/not a priority. I said about this this morning and he said when I asked he ‘just hadn’t got that far yet’ ie hadn’t thought about what he was going to be doing today. He is not a planner, this is true, but surely he either wants to see me or he doesn’t? And his response would suggest he doesn’t.

the other thing that is frustrating me is his love for eating out. I have explained that due to the cost of living increases I am cutting back in all areas of my life so meals out will need to only be for a special occasion - birthdays and such. Last night he started putting pressure on to go out for a meal (it’s not that long since we went out for a meal because we had a gift card and he’s just been on holiday with his family and eaten out every night, and we’ve got 2 birthday meals coming up next month so it’s not like he’s being deprived). I suggested maybe doing a brunch or lunch instead because it would be cheaper and he said he only really likes going out for evening meals. I told him to go with his friends instead but they don’t want to do meals out either apparently. And him paying for me if we go out for a meal isn’t really an option/hasn’t been offered.

i am feeling fragile at the moment so I may well be overreacting but these two things have really upset me - I feel like a convenience, someone to do things (eg meals out) with when it suits him but otherwise surplus to requirements. AIBU and how should I deal with this?

I don’t think anyone here is BU but you just don’t sound compatible you sound like you want different things out of the relationship. If it’s not working for you then have a chat with him or end it.

I think 18 months is quite a long time to still be at the casual, non committal stage that your relationship is at. Fair enough if that works for you both but it's clearly not.

I was in a relationship where we saw each other only on our days off. Honestly, I needed time to just fully relax on my own. I was either working or spending time with him. I remember craving a day of doing nothing and seeing no one. maybe he feels like that so didn’t want to plan anything.

To me it reads like you aren’t a good fit for eachother. Different expectations of planning and views of a relationship. Even not compatible over meals. Nothing wrong with wanting to eat out. Nothing wrong with not wanting to.

Though to be fair, if I wanted to go out for a meal and dp couldn’t afford I would offer to pay. Not all the time but at least occasionally, if I was pushing it. The rest of the time I would compromise. A takeaway, but some nice ingredients for a nice meal at home etc.

But all in all (especially in money) you just don’t seem compatible.

I agree with @Whatsonmymindgrapes.
I dated a guy like this (not the meal thing). We saw each other most weekends but it was usually me organising something. If I asked him what he was up to (rather than if he wanted to do something specific) he'd be noncommittal. As it turned out he enjoyed being with me etc but I wasn't a long term thing - just something nice for the time being. And I'd definitely be bothered if he wanted to go out of an evening but didn't offer to pay as you have said you can't afford to. If he really wanted YOUR company he'd treat you.

You're in your 30's and have been together 18 months but he clearly wants to keep things very casual. That's fine if that's what you want too, but it sounds like you're frustrated by not being more of a priority in his life. Neither of you is BU necessarily but it sounds like you want different things from the relationship and if that's the case then you're only going to feel more disappointed and frustrated by him the longer it goes on.

I think you just sound mismatched in your expectations. It’s ok to want different things! You just probably need to accept that means finding a different partner.

Thanks all for your replies.

Oh I don't know, the weekends thing generally works for me too so I can't really blame him for that and he does make plans with me - I tend to plan the little things whereas he will plan holidays. I do feel part of his life - I am invited to family events, know all his friends etc. It's just today that I'm feeling a little under appreciated.

We generally are on the same page about money and he is trying to save too and be healthier but he comes from a very food obsessed family and sometimes his desire to eat out/indulge regularly REALLY gets to me. Probably also because I have food issues myself which he is usually very understanding about. This hasn't been a problem before but, as I said, I am feeling fragile at the moment so I am maybe reacting differently now to how I did before.