Partner not outwardly romantic . AIBU?

[stamperstuckler]

Partner of two years is kind, thoughtful, caring but is not what I would consider outwardly romantic.
Doesn't really do flowers, chocolates, surprise gifts, spontaneous hand holds or any public display of affection.
Privately he is very affectionate.
I like romance and am not averse to hand holding in public so sometimes find this difficult and like we are two mates out having a drink or a walk.
AIBU here to feel a little disappointed in this?
We are both early fifties, divorced and do t live together. Spend each weekend together and holidays.

YANBU if that is the kind of relationship you want, but YABU if you are expecting him to completely change who he is.

Personally, although the "grand gestures" are nice short term, I think it is a superficial measure of a good realtionship. I would choose being treated properly privately everytime.

Do you do anything romantic for him? What happens if you try to hold his hand in public?

He is awkward around public displays o f affection but now and again he will rub my arm or hold my hand.
I have been starved to f affection for so long, I think I crave it.

Maybe talk to him? I don't like being very affectionate in public either, although I do sometimes hold hands with my husband.

I do like affection in private though.

I've been with DP 10 years and I'm not really a hand holder or show affection in public. DP doesn't even try anymore but it's a conversation we've had where I've asked him about it. He understands that I'm just not very affectionate. You just need to talk to him.

So he is kind and thoughtful but doesn’t buy you chocolates or flowers?

why should he? Why waste money?

romance is massively over rated over the qualities you’ve described - give me kind, thoughtful and caring every day over big gestures for anniversaries and Valentine’s, any day.

Have a look at the five love languages. It is pop psychology but I think it could be helpful here.

Try to remember that everyone is different. For example I hate being bought flowers, I dislike most surprises/ find them stressful and I find it a bit annoying walking along holding hands. That doesn’t mean you can’t want those things - it’s just not a given that they’re the right way to show feelings.

Everyone has different love languages and ways they show affection. My DP isn’t big into chocolates and flowers either but he shows his feelings with acts of service - he’ll bring me a cup of tea in bed or fix something in the house he knows has been bothering me etc.

You could try talking to him and explain how you like to show affection, but if he might not be receptive if he’s uncomfortable. You say he’s affectionate in private so it might just be the public aspect he has an issue with.

I totally understand as I feel exactly the same about my husband. He is very caring and affectionate behind closed doors, however doesn't do anything romantic which irks me.

However, on the flip side, the way I look at it to make me feel better is to think about it like this... I have an ex who was very romantic and full of romantic gestures, he sent texts saying he missed me, loved me, etc and held my hand in public, etc. However, one day without warning and only a few days after one of these gestures, he ended it suddenly and made it all feel fake. I tell myself I would rather have my husband the way he is, genuine (hopefully!), but not as romantic, than someone full of romantic gestures, etc who was clearly fake.

Now, I am not saying for a second, romantic men are fakes who are going to up and leave, I mean in my own experience it makes me feel better about my husband not being as romantic as I'd like. Reason I mentioned it is, do you have an ex who ticked that box but turned out to be not as genuine, if you do maybe us that as a way of looking at it when your partner's lack of public romance annoys you?

Interesting @Frazzledmummy123 .
My ex husband while essentially mean w money as a rule was romantic in that he ' did the right thing' for Christmas / valentines/ anniversaries and birthday.
For the past few years, I inadvertently paid for my own presents.
Due to the lack of respect I had for him, as he was a useless fucker who allowed me to bear full responsibility for our entire lives including f kids, I was Icked out for the last ten years and had zero affection or intimacy with him.
He was creepy and coercive so perhaps I am now happy and craving misspent years with a hunk of a man whom I absolutely adore ?

Oh and he finally left for AP some years ago when he failed to convert me into his mummy.

he is who he is and you know what he’s like…

why do you want to change him? I think you need to look at why it’s such a big deal to you and talk that through with him

I completely understand. I'm not a fan of public displays of affection but I do wish DH would buy me flowers now and again or do something that showed me he was thinking of me when I am not there.

However, I accept that isn't who he is. He does pick me up my favourite jam donut when he goes past the shop though, so I guess that's something!?

I’d much rather have baked goods than flowers - and him knowing/remembering your favourite is way more romantic than a generic stereotypically romantic present.

But I LOVE flowers! :)

My husband was like this for years and I think he just "softened" in time. He's fine now but at first it was honestly like going out with a work colleague or some thing