Huge meltdowns at this age

[Startingtobechillyatnight]

Dd has just turned 4 and for the last six months or so has been really hard work. She’s always been strong willed but now she’s become v hard work. If she gets upset about something, she hits and kicks and screams and cries, it’s getting to the point that Dh and I are finding it hard to cope with and are walking on eggshells. She wasn’t like this until around 3, when she got a little harder, but nothing like the last 6 months or so. I assumed she’d get easier or at least not be kicking, hitting and sometimes biting, is this normal behaviour, no idea what to do, she starts school in September and so worried how she’ll be.

Sounds exactly like my 4 year old who starts school in September too! I'm at my wits end tbh!

I noticed that my DD had a few tantrums around 4 (that coincided with starting school), but they would be her lying on the floor screaming. She would never hit, kick or bite - not since the age of 2 (and that was thankfully a very short phase that was nipped in the bud).

From what I’ve heard from my friends with similar aged children, I’d say that occasional tantrums are still normal, but the physical lashing out doesn’t sound right to me. I’d suggest speaking to her nursery workers, GP or other trusted professional for some advice.

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers She had the very short phase of hitting as a toddler but nothing since until this recently. She just seems so angry when it happens and it’s so hard to calm her down, really worried

@immie675 Is it hard to calm her down? Does she lash out etc?

I had one like this and it got much easier around 7. It was like her language ability (which was good to begin with) fully caught up with her busy brain. She was better able to express feeling and process things.

If she’s hitting you best walk away and have a cup of tea in the garden to create space for her to calm down and start to talk.

No advice but we have exactly the same issue & same concerns about starting school!

@Startingtobechillyatnight yes she is mega hard to calm down, we had one tonight over putting her pjs on! She also kicks and hits and lashes out!

@immie675 Did she always do it? It sounds like bloody murder in this house recently, the screaming and shouting, it’s awful

@Madeintowerhamlets Oh really, sorry, it’s so hard isn’t it! I feel like just being my girl back. She had the odd tantrum when little but was a dream in comparison. We can’t say anything as she gets angrier so I sit and wait it out. Is it a new thing for your dc?

We used calm down spot. Random spot in house with soft blanket , teddy and fidget toys. We used to plonked them on it and they stay until they were calm. Sometimes they needed a cuddle.

@Startingtobechillyatnight she has only started in the last few weeks like this, I also said to my husband (who is a police officer) what must the neighbours be thinking, it sounds so bad she is literally screaming at the top of her voice!

@immie675 Exactly! Feel
embarrassed about what the neighbours think 😬has she just turned 4 or a while ago?
Less sleep doesn’t help and we’ve been out a fair bit for summer and family staying etc but even before that it was starting a little

Wait until they are 14 and stroppy.

seriously it is part phase and part character.

if she is a strong character and can discuss her behaviour - I would do time out eg. I want to hear you but the temper is out ‘my daughter called it her wild chimp’ and you need to breathe and get calm - I’m not saying no - but you need to ask nicely this was normally when she was tired, grumpy or bored, hungry etc

and then we had ‘no way’ step etc the reason had been given and then the temper came out because she hadn’t got her own way / and that was calm and then think and then sanction.
For us this was stars on a chart and then if she lost it - she lost some stars but went on the no step and got her temper under control rather than lashing out I rewarded that - we had 10 stars is reward and 50 was a big reward.
I remember once she had 49 and asked for something eg ice cream but I explained she had already had ice cream but could have yogurt and she threw a spoon at me and I took a star - and asked her to calm. She threw something else and had a meltdown - she was put on the no step and went bonkers and I ended up with a cut lip 🤬🙄all 49 stars went and I went all in and I didn’t back down and that was the changing point.

Others might not agree but my daughter was very verbal and articulate (she is high functioning autistic) so it worked for her.

my son is 8 and we still do stars because I reinforce his manners and he is very visual - he is also autistic but stars help him understand tone, eye contact, his behaviour etc

@Hankunamatata Thats a really nice idea, I’ll try it but she may shout more if I ask her to go to the calm spot 🙈
It just seems like she can’t get a control of her emotions at all, I realise it’s hard for them to do it when younger, but she’s just been getting uncontrollably upset, which she didn’t in the past

@Startingtobechillyatnight she turned 4 in June! She also doesn't sleep very well or very much so I think tiredness is a massive issue as well! Its so hard (also have a one year old) when she is like it too!

Sympathy OP, mine was like this roughly 3.5-4.5. I'm not sure anything I did specifically got her out of the phase, it just passed. The laying on the floor and screaming I could just about manage but frankly the hitting was quite frightening, they're much more forceful at this age compared to the toddler years! I tended to busy myself while it passed- stayed in the same room, not ignoring but not engaging either. So I'd answer questions to an extent but not try and talk her round. Then after the worst of it we'd have a cuddle and a chat about where it came from, and reiterated we do not hit.

Take heart It’s really more normal than you would think OP at this age .. sometimes children's development basically gets out of sync for a while until they gain control over their behaviour and can regulate themselves - by 5 onwards it will be significantly different for you and they can mature fast especially once they clear a year of school so just stick it out and use phrases like “ I can see you are frustrated “ when a meltdown starts with clear boundaries about hitting and consequences afterwards- make it always same consequence too for them like no tv choice for rest of the day . They are still very young in reality at 4 and emotionally learning how to process and can get easily overloaded. It will pass!

@Mif4 Yes, she’s the same. She just went to the neighbours house to play tonight with Dh. When it was time to go, she was shouting and screaming at him, he had to pick her up and she was hitting him and bit him. He was really upset and said it was embarrassing in front of the neighbours whole family and their Ds was even saying to her that she has to do what her daddy says. That’s why I wanted to check if it’s typical behaviour really.
Its so stressful isn’t it, seems like everything is so hard and such a battle at the moment

3.3 yo here and he is going through this. Hitting, biting, kicking, screaming, threats. He seems so so angry it’s awful. We’ve had to start time out as he’s started trashing the place almost like a performance which made me think he wanted to be ‘contained’. It’s just an area in the hall where he needs to stay to calm down. I have to carry him there kicking and screaming and get all sorts of threats but he stays there and does calm down. I just won’t let him destroy the house or hurt others. Love @Hankunamatata’s idea of making it a cosy spot. I’ll defo tweak it as I didn’t want it to be too harsh.

It started at 4 for my DD, she's 5 now, and I think (please!!) She's coming out of it. I don't think lockdown during 2-3 helped, there was such a lack of consistent peer socialisation

Starting school will be great for her. The teachers just won’t stand for it. By Christmas she will be a different child.

How is her speech? At this age, some children are developing thoughts and opinions but just don't have the language/communication to express themselves adequately. This may be a developmental stage she is going through. However, have you been discussing a change, starting school? If so she may be feeling anxious and like her life is spinning out of control. My advice would be to be firm, speak to her, explain everything in her day to day life, be open. Try to have patience and listen to her, give her some autonomy. But, in no uncertain terms explain that this behaviour is unacceptable. Tell her that it upsets those around her. Tell her you will listen, and do!

My son was absolutely adorable as a toddler, no tantrums, cuddles galore and just a perfect child. The moment he turned 4 he got the attitude! It's normal and he's now a lovely 10 year old. A bit moody sometimes but a great lad in general.