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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry that my brother won't attend Step Mum's funeral

26 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 28/08/2022 20:23

13 years ago, my dad introduced us to a woman who is not much older than me. Eventually they married. She was a wonderful woman, however we have always had a very difficult relationship with my father. I had many conversations with my step mum where I had to reassure her that she wasn't responsible for the relationship between me and my dad. My dad had a massive chip on his shoulder about the age difference. I used to tell him that despite they way he introduced her (brought her along to my daughter's first birthday without telling me anything beforehand), I've never had a problem with his relationship and never would.

Sadly she died of cancer a week ago. I had a very difficult conversation with my dad where he says both my brother and I have been distant from him, and he thinks this was because of his wife. He's said the same to my brother.

Now my brother says he won't go to the funeral. Work trip. I'm absolutely gobsmacked. And I'm feeling pretty furious towards him right now - feel like he is bailing on a difficult situation. I think I can understand that feelings run high in these situations, but AIBU for being angry with my brother?

OP posts:
dudsville · 28/08/2022 20:26

IMO, whether your brother attend is his choice. Focus on your own process with this already difficult enough situation.

ApolloandDaphne · 28/08/2022 20:26

Your DB can choose to go to this funeral or not. I am not sure why you are so furious about it. You go and pay your respects and allow your DB to make his own decisions.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2022 20:26

Very. You go if you want to but you can’t make anyone else go and he’s being sensible to protect himself from pain and upset. Your anger is probably some sort of displacement activity because you’re in shock and grieving and worried about the funeral but don’t make things worse than focussing on your brother rather than your own feelings or your father.

Blush21 · 28/08/2022 20:27

If he feels that going to the funeral is not
for him, they weren’t close etc then that’s his choice and you need to accept it. Personally I’d rather someone not attend than be a hypocrite

Sparklesocks · 28/08/2022 20:28

I’m sorry for your loss 💕 Is it possible you are potentially projecting some of your grief/anger at her death onto your brother? Work commitments can be hard to change and grief/death is a very personal thing - some people can’t deal with funerals or prefer to grieve in their own ways. Maybe your brother feels that way?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2022 20:29

Yes, you're being very unreasonable. Your brother has every right to not attend, and it's really none of your business. You need to let this go because being angry with him won't get you anywhere.

BeyondMyWits · 28/08/2022 20:30

So sorry for your loss.

I'm afraid you cannot control how others deal with the situation. Not sure I'd want to go either in your brother's case. And if there is a work trip he might have no choice for the funeral of a non blood relative.

You can be angry with him, of course. But he still gets to make his own decisions.

decafsoyaflatwhite · 28/08/2022 20:31

Could he get the time off to go if he wanted to- he’s just choosing not to attend? I can’t imagine many workplaces declining a day off to attend the funeral of a close family member.

I wouldn’t be very impressed with him either, but there isn’t much you can do.

I’m sorry for your family’s loss 💐

Catch21 · 28/08/2022 20:32

I'm sorry for your loss, and for your difficult relationship with your dad. I agree with other posters that your brother needs to make his own decisions about this.

Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 28/08/2022 20:33

I thought as much. This is why I haven't communicated this to him.

I think the real reason is we both know my dad will lash out at the child who is there if one of us doesn't attend (this kind of thing is the reason we don't have a strong relationship with him) so I guess I'm feeling unsupported. But that's not my brother's fault.

OP posts:
MrsTimRiggins · 28/08/2022 20:33

I’m sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately though you are being unreasonable. It is your brothers choice whether to attend this funeral or not, quite simply it’s not up to you. Get your emotions in check, being ‘furious’ with someone for not doing as you think they should will only exacerbate an apparently already difficult situation.

rwalker · 28/08/2022 20:34

It’s your brothers choice
but tbh it’s not about the step mum it’s about you having to deal with your dad on your own which is a bit unfair brother hasn’t step up

mountainsunsets · 28/08/2022 20:35

I'm so sorry for your loss.

But you are being unreasonable. Let him deal with his grief, and you deal with yours. It's his right not to attend if he doesn't want to, just as it's your right to attend if you do.

Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 28/08/2022 20:36

Wouldn't be the first time. He lives 15 minutes around the corner from our mum, who has dementia, and he does absolutely nothing because mum doesn't agree she has dementia so he doesn't want to get on the wrong side of her.

OP posts:
Petronus · 28/08/2022 20:38

It sounds like the person you should be angry with is your dad. He is the one who you don't have a strong relationship with, and given that the relationship is poor with both you and your brother that is on him.

Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 28/08/2022 20:39

Petronus · 28/08/2022 20:38

It sounds like the person you should be angry with is your dad. He is the one who you don't have a strong relationship with, and given that the relationship is poor with both you and your brother that is on him.

Very true

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 28/08/2022 20:47

I’m sorry you are facing this horrible situation. I would focus on protecting yourself from any backlash that you predict from your father. Do you have people around you who will take care of you?

Obviously your DF is grieving and will need a certain amount of slack cut but he cannot be allowed to cause extra pain. Can you meet beforehand and offer to help with the funeral plans in any way? Ensure there are other people to support him if you think you will be the fall guy for his rage and grief?

I hope it goes better than you expect. As for your DB and your DM, that’s an entirely different thread no doubt but hopefully he knows that denial will only take him so far. At some point he will have to step up.

GCBookseller · 28/08/2022 20:51

What sort of relationship did your brother have with your step mum? Does he have form for dodging emotionally difficult situations?

Tbh, I’d have been furious with either of my siblings if they hadn’t turned out to our step mum’s funeral - she was a godsend to all of us for many years, and they attended. But I was furious generally at the time … it turns out anger is my primary grief response! I’m sorry for your loss, cancer’s a cruel disease 💐

Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 28/08/2022 20:51

His sister (my aunt) is more likely to goad him on - she's one of the most aggressive people I know.

I will park to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 28/08/2022 20:54

@GCBookseller they weren't close. And my brother is the king of avoidance.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2022 20:56

You don’t have to go. People can behave appallingly at funerals, I’ve seen it, and you won’t be remembering or celebrating your step mum’s life or mourning her passing if you’ve on edge about your dad starting something. You can have a private moment at a different time and place that’s personal to you and in honour of her.

I’d follow your brother’s lead rather than being angry at him. Funerals are for the living. Don’t put yourself in harms way like this, you don’t have to.

billy1966 · 28/08/2022 21:00

Yabu.

Your brother's choice complete.

Why are you going?

Honour her memory privately and ditch it.

Don't put yourself in a position to be abused.

You don't owe an awful father anything.

Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 28/08/2022 21:01

@AnneLovesGilbert seems likely I'll attend the service, give my Dad a big hug and then go home rather than hang around for drinks and food afterwards.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2022 21:05

That sounds okay. But please give yourself permission to change your mind, including on the day. You don’t need to be there for your step mum and if you think your dad or nasty aunt are likely to upset you then protect yourself. I’m really sorry for your loss.

billy1966 · 29/08/2022 09:34

Positioning your car for a fast exit is wise if you must.

If anyone tries to engage you, tell them you must quickly retrieve something from the car and just get the hell out of there.