To speak to the parent directly re bullying child

[Treacletoots]

So, our DC used to be good friends with 2 other DC from nursery. All 3 moved up to primary school together. Regularly played out of school on weekends etc. We were good friends with the parents.

Around Jan time DC kept saying one of the children was stopping them playing with other friend which continued for a few weeks until I mentioned to that child's parent if something had happened. Long story short, she didn't accept her DC had done anything and refused to believe my DCs story that they'd been excluding them from play. Since this date she's not spoken to us.

A few weeks later, our DC said this child had called them stupid, ugly and also that they wanted to kill her, and tried to attack her in the school yard on several occasions. Obviously we spoke to the school extensively who said they had dealt with the situation, .

Now, over the holidays at a classmates party the same child assaulted DC by stamping on their bare feet wearing trainers, amongst a host of unpleasant general behaviour. We spoke to our crying child what had happened, who confirmed the story we saw with our own eyes, the other child then when challenged, claimed our DC had actually done that to them and their parent simply moved them out of the room at this point with no further conversation.

All the while said parent refused to speak to us whilst we've been left with an upset and scared 5 year old who doesn't want to go back to school in case this other child continues to hurt them, with her only misdemeanor seems to be they want to stay friends with the other child.

DH thinks we shouldn't speak to this parent and just continue to monitor when they return to school. I'm thinking that as this is continuing to happen outside of the school that parents need to be addressed directly, and if so how would we go about that ?

Help mumsnet. My AiBU is would I be unreasonable to want to speak to the parent of this child directly again or is that unreasonable?

Speak to the school when you go back and say it has been ongoing over the holidays. If you confront the parent it will never end well.

Do not contact the other parent. There's no possible universe where it ends well.

It doesn't sound like speaking to this parent Will achieve any kind of positive outcome.

Keep raising it with the school.

Don't speak to the other parent. It rarely has a good outcome, and in this case the parent has demonstrated that they won't be reasonable about this. Do it all through the school.

Have you told your DC to stop trying to be friends with the other child?

Talking to the parent is a waste of time. Raise it with school when they get back.

Speak to the school whe you go back - and keep speaking to them if incidents keep occurring. From your description of the parents behaviour at the party I can't see that speaking to them would be helpful.

Yes I think I know you're all right. Also @MajorCarolDanvers you're spot on. They've already shown they don't give two hoots about their 5 year old making death threats, why would they respond to anything else 😡

Speaking to the parent has already got you nowhere. Ask the school to keep an eye. Tell your dc to stop trying to be friends with them. Ask school to seat them apart.

In my (not good) experience, never speak to the parents. No good comes from it! Speak to the school when back and keep them apart out of school.

@Catch21 yes, we've told her to stay away from the unpleasant one. The issue is, the 3rd child and my DC are really good friends, and she's also good friends with the unpleasant one but the other one is jealous and seems to be what's behind the behaviour. It just seems unfair to stop her playing with one kind child because the other one is suddenly jealous

Other posters will not agree with this.

However, can you speak to the DC directly and discreetly? I had a problem at the same age with a child, school intervention did nothing.

One day I dropped my DS off at school. I was in the classroom as we were dropping W model he had made. I saw the other child snigger and make a comment. As I was leaving, I bent down quickly beside him and told him, in a low voice, that when he was mean to my DS I did not like it and that it needed to stop or I would not be happy (can’t remember the exact words but that was the general communication). It’s in the eye contact though and the quiet but chilling tone. I didn’t take my eyes of him. They know. It was over in seconds but my message was clear.

The kid left my DS alone. They are 16 now and he still looks wary when he sees me.

If this is not possible or you balk at this approach - get the parents. Face to face, same eye contact and same tone, but more. There are certain types of people who only respond to this approach. Again, no need to shout, a low voice can be more intimidating. Tell them it stops, NOW.

This is your child. Channel you anger and your protective instinct and put a stop to it.

You need your DH on board though. Both of you need to keep taking the same approach. Also go to school again. If school question to talking to parent, or DC, just smile nicely and say you had a quiet but kind word as you just want everyone to be friends. And keep eyeballing the kid, every time you see it. I said before, they know.

A parent did this to my child, asked why they were bullying their child. Unfortunately, they were wrong and my child wasn’t being a bully. I didn’t know anything about it until my child burst into tears the following day after school and told me what had happened. I went straight back with him into school and asked to see the Head who spoke to my child about it. I had a child scared to go into the playground because an adult thought this was the appropriate course of action. It resulted in a letter going out to all parents to go to the school if there were any issues and not to contact other parents or speak to children. I don’t think very highly of that parent.

I can imagine not @BridasShieldWall and I’m sorry that happened to your DC, it must have been really upsetting.

But that isn’t the case here, they know who the child is.

I’m not remotely big or scary, or violent or “rough”. But I’m a mother and would fight to the death to protect my DC, as we all would. Sometimes we need to use the instinct, throughout their lives, on a much smaller scale.

speak to school. personally I'd have safeguarding concerns if I heard a 5 year old use that type of language and in that context.

@AfternoonCup every protective inch of me wants to do this, but DH is not on board and I know these parents will definitely flip this around with the school so we look bad. They're the kind of people for whom appearance is everything and they don't care about being good or bad as long as their perception isn't tarnished.

What would be the point?

They've already shown you very clearly they don't give a shit.

If they did, maybe they wouldn't have a child who stamps on other children's hands and makes threats 🤷

Keep going through the school and keep them apart outside school.

@IncompleteSenten totally hit the nail on the head sadly. But why should our child miss out on parties and playing with her other friend just because of the other child. It just seems so unfair that the victim has to lose out.

@IWentAwayIStayedAway absolutely agree about safeguarding. We have seriously considered moving schools, but again feel why should our child be the one to move...

Keep going with school, and inform them your child is afraid if school return because of this child's behaviour over the holidays.

Invite child 3 for more play dates.

Foster relations with other kids in the class. Whoever your DC likes then set up play dates. Widening a child's social circle provides some cushioning from the pain of other kids' behaviour towards them and subsequently can help it not impact (or impact less) their self-esteem. Puts the mean kid's behaviour in a wider context which highlights that they (mean kid) have the problem, not the victim of their "attention".

If possible get DC in an after school activity that doesn't involve kids from your school (am aware this may not be possible due to work/finances/location, but if it is, can be worth it).

Thanks @daretodenim we've been taking all those actions, joining karate class as well as other clubs and encouraging widening her friend circle.

It's been tricky to get more play dates with kid 3 but will keep trying.

I think for now we will just speak to the school on return and monitor, which goes against every fibre of my being wanting to protect my child 😫

It won’t help. We had a similar but not quite as dramatic situation with our DD (exclusion from friendship group by one girl plus same child repeatedly “accidentally” hurting her- lots of tears and bruising). I had a word with the child’s mum about the exclusion (the other stuff then escalated) and she was pretty disinterested. She’d previously confided that her DD as a toddler had experienced issues with some concerning self harm behaviours and had rejected her as a parent so I think they were unprepared for any rocking of the boat at home.

School were very good and the head of KS1 initiated the bullying policy and supported DD which helped hugely. Things have slowly improved and DD has lots of friends- not so dependant on the initial group anymore. It’s such a shame as I think if parents are prepared to step up their kids would be far better for it and able to navigate friendships without ultimately being ditched as no one likes a bully.

Best of luck!

Speak to the school. I went direct to the mum. The tirade of abuse I subsequently received via text was horrendous.

So we've spoken to the head and they've been really helpful around behaviour and processes they can put in place inside school but then said we need to speak to the parents directly to address any issues that happen outside the school. Looking forward to that...not