To say never give a (big) guy a second chance?

[BraveGoldie]

I'm not talking about situations like he turns up for one date late - everybody is allowed to be not perfect. ....

Im talking about if he lost his temper and acted meanly towards you,,,,, or he cheated..... or he broke up because he wasn't sure about things, or he had a drinking problem and peed all over your carpet.....

I know we often care so much and also want to think the best of people, (especially men) that we often give second chances, telling ourselves "it will be different this time because" or "he was only like that because...."

But I think back on my life and I gave two second chances like that and every one of them ended up treating me badly again, in some way that could be predicted in the 'first hurt'.

Has anyone had an experience of years and years of happiness, having given someone a 'big' second chance?

Just curious!

Sorry this is not about big guys, but big second chances! Nothing against big guys!!!!

I think there’s probably a reason you’ve got two examples of times you shouldn’t have given a man a second chance.

It's about common sense really....

There’s a reason for the saying “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” isn’t there?

My DH told me he didn’t fancy me before we got together.

He contacted me a month later and said he was scared, he was sorry, really liked me and just made a mistake.

I decided to give him another chance and 17 years later he’s never given me a second’s doubt.

I would not give anyone unfaithful or violent another chance.

George W Bush? although I think he got it a bit wrong...🤔🤦‍♀️

There's a hell of a lot of differences between your examples.

Some I might consider it but others I would run and keep running.if you have a specific case, people will give you their honest opinions

I had two ex boyfriends who've trie to be abusive to me - one physically, the other emotionally.

I dumped them both immediately and refused to have anything more to do with them. I have my hard lines, and if you cross them once, you don't get a chance to do so again.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. If someone can lie once, they can lie again. If someone can cheat once, they can cheat again. If someone can be abusive once, they can be abusive again.

I might give another chance for trivial stuff, but not cheating or violence.

Google 'dating red flags' and never ignore them, its not worth the risk!

They are showing you who they are. If you decide to stay, you are deciding to put up with it. Until you decide not to.

Yeah I know I'm being vague.... because I'm interested overall, rather than struggling with a case right now. Actually it's more that I'm four years into a wonderful relationship and for the first time now, I've got a different perspective. I know this guy just wouldn't do stuff that others did to me before - Stuff that before I excused due to the circumstances, rather than judging the person. But I know this guy just wouldn't regardless of circumstances- partly because of who he is and partly because of how much he values me. Wouldn't matter if he was really upset cos a friend died, or he was unsure and got scared, or anything else.... And I know I wouldn't have done those things in any circumstance either....

.... but I think women often end up in these situations of not being treated very well, when we judge things as 'not so bad, because...' or 'he only did that because...' or 'it's only very rarely...'

My two examples are that I married a man who had already broken up with me because he had been interested in someone else. I justified it because he was honest - didn't cheat, told me he was having feelings and I let him go. We were also very young - way before the age to settle down. But then he left me for another woman 16 years into our marriage. I'll never regret marrying him purely because I got my daughter, but now I look back and think 'Christ, that was dumb!'

The other example was a woman actually. Our first few months were very rocky, including her shouting a lot and getting hysterical, apparently because I didn't yet know 'how she needed to be loved'.... I learned and she stopped shouting and was a wonderful (if rather sensitive) partner for several years.... but then it started again, and got really verbally abusive for two years before I escaped. And I think back to the start (when I told myself "it's only because it's the start/ because we have worked out how to make each other happy" etc...) That one I do regret. The good years were not worth the two at the end, and I let it go on so long because I'd experienced these good years. But again, I look back and think 'all you needed to do was see the very clear signs and attribute blame where it actually belonged.

So I think my conclusion is not to give second chances on big things around how you are treated.... but I wondered if lots of people would come on and contradict that with stories that ended happily!

I'm glad that worked out for you, @Merryoldgoat . I hope you feel he fancies you now?

And it doesn't sound like he ever treated you badly.... which is maybe the distinguishing factor?

I do understand what you mean and with hindsight have been able to look back at failed relationships and see where I should have walked away. The issues I ignored/overlooked just became bigger until I had no choice but to leave. I can see I didn’t value myself very much to tolerate what I did, but happy to say my current relationship is a totally different one.

@BraveGoldie

Oh god yes, I’d never have been with him if not.

And no, he never treated me badly.

He’d come out of a bad breakup and was only 23 at the time.

we accept the love we give ourselves at the end of the day. That’s the basics of it.
If you hold yourself in high value then you will simply not accept people treating you like shit.
it doesn’t mean it won’t hurt when someone lets you down or treats you badly - it will, but you will know immediately that you deserve more and are worth more and will walk away no second chances.
Obviously people make stupid mistakes or get scared and act like idiots because they’ve not sorted their own shit (I’ve been guilty of this definitely) but there is a huge difference between a genuine person acting like a bit of a dick and someone who is just a walking red flag.
If you really value and love yourself then you will not accept treatment that harms you. The same as you wouldn’t want it to happen to your sister, friend, daughter etc.
We are often very keen to try and mitigate or explain away mens behaviour, blaming some other reason than they just don’t really care about us or that they are a toxic arsehole.
Perhaps we hope that if we can change them, we prove we are worth something?

practice self love and read up on feminism, those two things will save you from toxic men

I know a version of it from the fabulous Samantha in SATC, only for "fool" she used "fuck" 😁