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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

An inheritance one...

23 replies

ChangedMyNameYetAgain321 · 28/08/2022 12:21

DH inherited £3000 from his grandfather recently. We are fortunate to not have money worries, so it felt right to spend the money on something special to remember him by.

DH has spent most of the money on custom made watches for himself and our 2 DC, which is a lovely idea and very fitting. There is a few hundred left which DH has put aside for a rainy day. AIBU to feel a bit hurt that I was left out completely? It sounds really silly, but I was close to DH's grandfather and would have loved something like that. I know that ultimately I am being unreasonable as it was his inheritance, not mine, and it's totally up to him how it was spent.

This is part of a wider niggle about DH never doing anything nice to show he cares, but I'm not sure if that's affecting my judgement this time.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 28/08/2022 12:30

This is part of a wider niggle about DH never doing anything nice to show he cares, but I'm not sure if that's affecting my judgement this time

you have a DH problem.

all the inheritance as done is double-underline that you have a DH problem.

perhaps being aware of that could become your path to acceptance, as it doesn't sound like you'd want to separate.

if he has always been that way, then no major surprise right? It's very much down to whether you're OK with accepting he isn't very demonstrative.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 28/08/2022 12:32

Are your dc boys? Maybe he saw watches as a male thing?
I love a nice watch!
Ask him outright when you can choose yours...

Original poster
ChangedMyNameYetAgain321 · 28/08/2022 12:33

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 28/08/2022 12:32

Are your dc boys? Maybe he saw watches as a male thing?
I love a nice watch!
Ask him outright when you can choose yours...

One girl, one boy! I don't feel like I can say anything, it seems a bit insensitive. But I am hurt.

OP posts:
Tomatoblush · 28/08/2022 12:34

What did you say when he said what he was going to spend the money on?
I would have said what about me I’d love a watch too to remember him by.

Original poster
ChangedMyNameYetAgain321 · 28/08/2022 12:35

daisychain01 · 28/08/2022 12:30

This is part of a wider niggle about DH never doing anything nice to show he cares, but I'm not sure if that's affecting my judgement this time

you have a DH problem.

all the inheritance as done is double-underline that you have a DH problem.

perhaps being aware of that could become your path to acceptance, as it doesn't sound like you'd want to separate.

if he has always been that way, then no major surprise right? It's very much down to whether you're OK with accepting he isn't very demonstrative.

He's never been overly thoughtful, but it's got less and less over the years. He also won £500 last year and spent the lot on himself...

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 28/08/2022 12:37

I think it’s reasonable to ‘keep the money in the family’ and buy for him and his kids.
But I can see why you feel left out.

Original poster
ChangedMyNameYetAgain321 · 28/08/2022 12:37

Tomatoblush · 28/08/2022 12:34

What did you say when he said what he was going to spend the money on?
I would have said what about me I’d love a watch too to remember him by.

At first I assumed I was included, then it became clear that only he and the children would be getting them! It just felt insensitive and a bit greedy to question it.

OP posts:
Cognacsoft · 28/08/2022 12:38

My dh would never assume inherited money was solely his. In fact his inheritance from his df is all sat in my bank account as I deal with finances.
Are you likely to inherit? If so enjoy spending on yourself.

Flutterbybudget · 28/08/2022 12:38

As part of a “wider picture” I can see that you might be hurt by “another” example of DH not appearing to care”, but tbh, I wouldn’t see anything wrong with him buying himself and the DC a momentous of his grandad and not you, as a stand alone event.
I wouldn’t make this “my hill to die on” but if there’s another occasion when you feel this way then speak up about that.

crazeekat · 28/08/2022 12:38

I think he's a selfish bum as it's not just been a one off that he's left u out. Time to remind him ur part of the family too and if he doesn't see what ur hurt at time to look at the bigger picture op x

Catch21 · 28/08/2022 12:40

I would be hurt by this OP.

moistmingemist · 28/08/2022 12:41

Tell him how you feel and that you'd like something nice.

Sally99 · 28/08/2022 12:54

I would also be hurt

Bindayagain · 28/08/2022 12:58

As you say, there are wider things going on, but regarding the watches I can see why it would be proposed that they would be bought for the descendants of the deceased grandfather, rather than his dil.

chillipenguin · 28/08/2022 13:01

I think it's more like he had one and wanted to spend some on the next generation. Personally I think he should have got you a little something special but maybe he is just an arse.

Justtobeclear · 28/08/2022 13:06

I would have done the same as your DH. Having been divorced things like this can lose their meaning when that connection is broken and be discarded especially if a new relationship is then established. However, I do discuss things like this with my DH and explain my reasoning and it would be a discussion. If you don’t have any money worries I think you should look at it as your DC’s having something of quality that will last and leave it at that.

Poppyblush · 28/08/2022 13:18

Why didn’t you say anything?

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 28/08/2022 13:35

My dh is very odd about money (adhd). We have our own money and not family money. But given your dh spent some on the dc I would be very hurt.
Yanbu to bring it up. Or it will fester.

Sunflowergin · 28/08/2022 13:37

You should of said something

But to echo others you have a dh problem and this just highlights how little he cares about you

Snoozer11 · 28/08/2022 13:52

I can understand why he bought himself a watch and it's a nice touch that he bought the kids something. Personally, I wouldn't have expected anything in this instance.

If the kids were older, I imagine he would have just bought himself something.

His thoughtlessness is a separate issue, however, and I can understand how this has added to that feeling of being left out.

WhenDovesFly · 28/08/2022 13:56

How would he be if you won or inherited money OP? Would he expect to have a share?

Sceptre86 · 28/08/2022 14:05

I would have done the same as your dh and not really thought about it. When and if I inherit, dh will benefit in a round about way so for example a family holiday, I wouldn't give him a chunk of my dad's cash. I don't think he would expect anything else.

When my lovely fil passed I wasnt given anything of his, mil asked if her boys would like some stuff and dh chose. She gave my son a watch and my eldest her grandad's wedding band.They've recently decorated and were going to give his armchair to charity, I asked to have it to remember him by and was given it, it's in my baby's nursery. Mil just hadn't thought anyone would want it. Maybe he just didn't think? Obviously you know him best and if he's not great in general then that's a different issue.

oviraptor21 · 28/08/2022 14:14

I think he's being very thoughtless.
Whilst overall I'm of the view that it is for the recipient to decide what to do with a bequest, your DH has decided to get presents for himself and the DC but no present for you. That's thoughtless.

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