Just woke up and feelings had changed, really getting me down

[Idliketothankyouforajobwelldone]

I have been with my partner for about 2.5 years, lived together for about 1.5 years now. Everything was great, not perfect, a couple of issues but nothing we couldn't sort out.
We get on very well, attracted to each other, we respect each other and so on.
This started about a month ago or a bit more, nothing whatsoever happened but I just woke up with this pit in my stomach questioning my love for him and if I was really in love.
Then it went away for a few weeks and I realised I really did love him. Now it's come back again the last couple of days.
It's almost like OCD, I get these voices in my head trying to make me doubt everything.
I genuinely don't want to leave, my life wouldn't be better in any shape or form without him.
He doesn't bring my life down in any way, there's no good reason for me to leave.
I enjoy his company, we get on great and are attracted to each other.
This happened with my very first boyfriend when I was 18. We had this amazing relationship for literally the same length of time, 2.5 years. Then suddenly got this urge to end it from one day to the next. I did, and got with an abusive man instead.
The ex was devastated but looking back I couldn't remember why I'd ended it. I had thought I wasn't in love any longer but I did regret leaving in the end, even if I've long moved on since then.
I think that what's happened in both cases is the honeymoon period and infatuation ending. I hope I have a realistic view about relationships, I do think they change after a few years together and it's not going to be the same burning passion as in the beginning. I'm sure this is normal, I remember as a child wondering why my parents weren't always kissing and holding hands etc (even if they still do sometimes).
However I feel incredibly depressed. I do have anxiety and overthink a lot which doesn't help.
Just not sure what to do, but I am very committed to him and don't want to go anywhere.
I know I'd really regret it.

It sounds like you're being or thinking of being self destructive maybe to protect yourself in case something went wrong. You're trying to be in control and change something to prevent hurt.

Have you sought MH support?

I think that's possibly the case..
I still get pangs of jealousy (even if I keep them to myself) and would be so upset at not being with him anymore.
I'm not even looking for that sort of burning intense passion anymore. Sometimes I do miss that newness of being with someone, that excitement when you're first dating. But that's only temporary and it doesn't guarantee anything.
I should seek some support, yes.

It's based in science - we're only designed biologically to be attracted to a partner for around 2 years.

You're right that relationships have their ups and downs. Not everything is rainbows and unicorns. There are times when people you love annoy and irritate you. There are times when you're ridiculously happy and all over each other. Even the super duper happy couples who do everything together and never argue ever aren't super loved up all of the time.

As long as the good times are there most of the time, then the relationship is perfectly healthy and normal.

I have read that yes.. I'm 31 now and I've never had a relationship longer than say just under 3 years. Well, I've only ever had 3 serious relationships, the abusive one ended as he was cheating with somebody (and it's a very good thing that it ended) but outside of that, I've only had short-term things as the men were usually not interested in a relationship.
So how do couples get through it?

Thank you. Yes, we always get on really well. We live together but

Sometimes difficult early life attachments make feelings turn off to protect ourselves? But this is a defence mechanism and doesn't mean the relationship is no good, just that someone is scared of their own deepening feelings. Probably not relevant for you, but worth thinking about your pattern of attachment in relationships.

Oops! Live together but still do a lot of our own stuff. I hope this is just normal and will pass, maybe he's felt it too?

Yes, you're very right. I do have an anxious attachment style to an extent, which must taper off after a couple of years. It's just exactly what happened in the first relationship I had. There were no issues or problems whatsoever, in a very short period of time I just decided I didn't love him but couldn't put my finger on why.

You say it went away for a few weeks and came back. Does this tie into your menstrual cycle at all?

Theres a point every month I’m getting a divorce but I’ve learned it actually hormonal and not the way I feel for the other 26 days a out of 28 when I’m very happy (and we have been together 24 years!) so I now recognise it and let it roll in my head.

it may not be but it’s worth looking at.

You say you have anxiety (and depression?) Have you had this diagnosed and are you getting any treatment? There are coping strategies you can use effectively if you find your anxiety has flared.

I think this is what you're experiencing- your generalised anxiety has felt worse this morning and is manifesting in a feeling of dread about your relationship.

Have you spoken to dp about this? I don't mean turning to him in bed and saying "I think it's over" but just explaining that some days you struggle to control your anxiety levels and feel down, have a "feeling of doom".

Just acknowledging that you're having a bad day, and knowing you don't have to act on your negative thoughts will help I think

I think it is just what happens in real life. After 2.5 - 3 years the honeymoon passion wears off and you find out if something deeper emerges. And every relationship goes through ups and downs - patches where you can't be arsed with them or they get on your nerves and patches when you feel very close and companionable, shared laughter and fun. Or just being calmly aligned. What's important is that you keep affectionate and connected through physical contact, sex etc. it maintains the intimacy when every day life goes through ups and downs. You're not a bad or messed up
Person to feel it and question it.

Yes, it may be hormonal. I have some PRN anxiety medication that I can take if I'm feeling particularly bad, my partner is aware of my overthinking.
Thank you, I will keep trying to acknowledge that these are only thoughts and that I don't have to do anything. I wish they would go away.
I'll just accept it as part of life and relationships. It's just sometimes you read on here ' I've been with my partner for 67 years and we're still passionately in love, we've never had a single argument and everything has been perfect forever." And you end up comparing yourself to this.

Maybe you need to start seeing love as an action and not a feeling. Feelings come and go and are affected by all sorts of things. Deep lasting love is a commitment and an action word. You act in love towards someone

That's a great way of putting it. I think I'm just basing my expectations on other couples which isn't right, like the whole 'still madly in love after 6000 years' thing. I will try to see love as an action as well.

I don't mean to armchair diagnose, but do you actually have OCD? Because this sounds an awful lot like what's called "intrusive thoughts" which come hand in hand with OCD a lot of the time.

I ask only because I suffer myself, and went through this exact thing with my DP about 2.5 years into our relationship. I almost left him! My brain was whispering away all these things as though it desperately wanted to sabotage my relationship.

My therapist at the time recommend I start a journal for the intrusive thoughts - it sounds so simple and stupid but it genuinely helped me to actually get them out in a tangible way so I could then look at them objectively and balance them against how I was really feeling.

We've now been together 6 years, which is small change compared to some but is a huge achievement for me who couldn't sustain a relationship for more than 2 years prior to him. I still have intrusive thoughts occasionally, and still manage them by journaling and allowing myself to acknowledge the thoughts, then dismiss them with reality.

Again, I don't mean to armchair diagnose at all, but your situation rang so familiar to me.

I've been with my partner for 67 years, we're still passionately in love, never had an argument and everything has been perfect forever

I'd be very suspicious if I read that life isn't like that and actually arguments can be healthy.

Remember that your partner isn't solely responsible for your happiness.

You could spend your life searching for a partner that makes you happy every day and provides you with the inner peace you crave when actually your relationship is not what's causing your depression.

I very likely do have OCD, as I experience intrusive thoughts in other ways too.
I was bi curious a few years back and occasionally wonder about it, though nothing has ever happened with another woman and I don't intend for it to. Anyway, a few months ago for whatever reason it popped into my mind, out of nowhere, and suddenly it was getting me down every day, I even questioned whether I was actually a lesbian and didn't have any attraction to any man which is ridiculous. I felt panicky every day. This has been whilst I've been in the relationship!
It's since stopped but it was terrifying. It did feel like obsessive thoughts.
It's reassuring to hear that you've been through a similar thing and fantastic that you've received help and are still with your partner.
I may start a journal.
You're right, my partner is not 100% responsible for my happiness. I'm having some work issues which I hope will get sorted soon, and this will also change how content I am overall.

There’s balance in all things.

so it’s definitely not healthy never to have an argument. It’s how you conduct the argument that matters, and whether both sides are willing to try to find a compromise.

and your partner should make you happy - but your overall happiness shouldn’t be dependent on them. I see too many women on here who’s partners actively make them miserable, that’s not right too, they should support you and contribute to your life- and vice Versa.