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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this a red or green flag?

23 replies

passionfruitpariah · 28/08/2022 10:32

So I've been meeting this lovely guy now for a number of weeks.

Everything going well, I knew he had a holiday coming up but he didn't tell me the details until this morning and now I don't know what to think.

He was in a relationship with a woman for 6 years, she had a DD and this guy brought up this little girl for the duration of the relationship and has stayed close. I have worked out the DD is about 7, so still living with mum and they have moved to Denmark where the mum is originally from.

This guy has told me that he is flying over to Denmark, staying in a hotel alone, going to meet the little girl for a day trip then going off to do his own leisure activities. I can't work out if this is red flag material or if it is responsible step parenting? Like is it admirable that he is still taking an interest in her up bringing despite the split? Anyway I'm in two minds and I was wondering what you all thought?

I am not long out of a relationship where an ex was still very much lurking in the background so the alarm bells are going off

OP posts:

savethatkitty · 28/08/2022 10:33

I'd cut him loose

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 28/08/2022 10:33

Green flag to me.

Darkness22 · 28/08/2022 10:34

Hmmm could be either.

CalamityClam · 28/08/2022 10:34

I’d be ok with this

Crocky · 28/08/2022 10:35

Too soon to tell.

SillyFood · 28/08/2022 10:36

How certain are you that they’ve broken up? Have you met his family/ friends at all yet?

Leafy3 · 28/08/2022 10:36

The bigger question to me is why you've "worked out" the girl is 7!

Has he not wanted to tell you? Or you have you just not asked?

Original poster

passionfruitpariah · 28/08/2022 10:38

My last two relationships there has been a very prominent ex in the background, both times in hindsight the guys were still infatuated with them, so here I am again thinking is this genuine or should I bolt?

OP posts:

Original poster

passionfruitpariah · 28/08/2022 10:39

Leafy3 · 28/08/2022 10:36

The bigger question to me is why you've "worked out" the girl is 7!

Has he not wanted to tell you? Or you have you just not asked?

I didn't ask because I haven't replied, he said she was a baby when he met the mum so I'm thinking around 7

OP posts:

Qik · 28/08/2022 10:39

As Denmark has some of the highest sand dunes in the world and some spectacular coastal scenery, I thoroughly recommend it as a holiday destination.

Original poster

passionfruitpariah · 28/08/2022 10:39

SillyFood · 28/08/2022 10:36

How certain are you that they’ve broken up? Have you met his family/ friends at all yet?

I met the mum who told me the relationship was very turbulent

OP posts:

MzHz · 28/08/2022 10:43

You have absolutely no right to expect anything from anyone after a couple of weeks

he owes you nothing and only time will tell if his ex is problematic

let him crack on and show you who he is.

this works both ways, so you’re not beholden to him Either at this stage

relax and enjoy getting to know him. Don’t be “that” gf who insists on everything from day one. He has no right to dictate how you spend your holiday time any more than you do.

Leafy3 · 28/08/2022 10:45

@passionfruitpariah so youve only just found out about the girl?

Presumably her age came up earlier if not?
To me, its potentially a red flag if he's not told you anything about her when you've known of her for a while.
If you have known for a while I think its strange you haven't asked but that's not what this thread is about.

I'm not sure any of us can say with certainty whether him keeping close with, effectively, his step daughter is a red flag or not. Personally, I think its a good thing so context is everything.

Tooshytoshine · 28/08/2022 10:47

Not a red flag.

This seems a caring and lovely thing to do.

WaveyHair · 28/08/2022 10:49

Green. Seriously, if he had abandoned and never saw the child it would be seen as bad parenting and classed as a red flag. However he is making an effort to have a relationship with his dd so not sure how this can be a red one.

If he has dd there will always be an ex in the background if he has a shred of human decency.

TheSandwoman · 28/08/2022 10:50

I'm confused why this would be a red flag? He was a father figure to this child for a number of years and it would be unkind to her not to continue to see her sometimes if he wants to and the mother is also supportive of that. What's the problem?

FirstAidKitNowPlease · 28/08/2022 10:52

Your past relationship issues should be dealt with before you ruin future relationships.

This act is normal and what you'd expect of a someone who has been a father to the child all their lives.

SheWoreYellow · 28/08/2022 10:53

Seems sweet, nice not to just ditch her because it hasn’t worked out with her mother.

FirstAidKitNowPlease · 28/08/2022 10:54

FirstAidKitNowPlease · 28/08/2022 10:52

Your past relationship issues should be dealt with before you ruin future relationships.

This act is normal and what you'd expect of a someone who has been a father to the child all their lives.

I mean this more kindly than it's come across I think.
If you are doubting already it's not a good start really. Be single a while and work on yourself.

Annieisalright · 28/08/2022 10:57

Why would this be a red flag

Someone gives a shit about a child he helped raise from an infant - how awful

Whataretheodds · 28/08/2022 11:00

Definitely worth doing some work on yourself and themes from previous relationships. That's always worthwhile.

It's v early days. I'd be inclined to keep a reasonably safe distance from this one - are you dating others? - and at some point when he's back I'd what part he sees himself playing in this little girl's life in the future, what he's committed to, and what part he would see any future girlfriend playing in that.

It sounds like he's the only father the child has ever known, so I'm not concerned necessarily that he's still involved, but only you can decide whether it's a dealbreaker for you. Would you date someone who already has kids?

DeadbeatYoda · 28/08/2022 11:14

Depends if he is telling the truth.

SunnyD44 · 28/08/2022 11:15

It could be either.
I wouldn’t judge him either way for this.

Obviously this is something that will be a regular thing and he will always be in contact with his ex, so if you have any jealousy issues or anything then it may be better to be honest to yourself sooner rather than later.

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