AIBU about my family?!

[Chocolatecakepops]

I really don’t know what to do best here and would appreciate ANY advice or thoughts on the situation.

I was brought up by my grandparents, my parents aren’t on the scene and never have been. I had a really happy childhood-I have uncles and aunts who are 20 ish years older than me and I was always treated like a (spoiled!) younger sibling and one of the gang.

I’m still living at home because I’m studying for my degree. They both want me to stay at home because we’re really close and they don’t want me to spend all my money renting a flat and they want me to save for a deposit for the future. They were genuinely insistent on this and when I loosely mentioned moving out they were insistent I didn’t.

My grandpa always been very selfless-you could ask him for a lift home from work at 3am and he would be straight there, I could ask him for £10k and he would give me it without question, he’s always wanted the absolute best for his family. He’s a really lovely person.

But I’ve noticed some changes in his behaviour recently. I think it’s age related but it’s causing problems- he had blood tests recently for being tired and everything was fine. He’s become more selfish and argumentative over small things. I’m trying to keep the peace but some of his behaviour is frankly ridiculous but when I politely say something, he acts as if I’m the bad guy. So for example, every single night he blares music really loudly whilst reading a book- he has the window open and you can hear it from the garden and we have neighbours who work, have kids etc and they can definitely hear it. I’ll politely say ‘oh I don’t know if you can realise but you can hear that in the garden, just a heads up!’ and he will go off on one. He’ll get really annoyed at me and shout at me to go away and stop giving him rows and who cares. I’ve bought him comfy expensive headphones which he’s fine with wearing and nobody has a problem with him playing music out loud if he prefers but it’s selfish with the window open especially when it’s so loud the neighbours can hear it. It happens EVERY night. He hates people who disturb others or act selfishly so it’s so confusing why he suddenly doesn’t care, and also why he gets so angry at me politely saying to him about it. I know it would be easier for me just to leave him to it and let the neighbours say something, but it embarrasses my gran and I don’t want to disturb the neighbours aswell, and I don’t want my grandpa to make himself seem like a selfish old man when he’s not.

There’s other examples aswell of similar behaviours. If we go out in public, he will blatently pass comments about things even in an embarrassing way. Eg if we walk past someone with colourful hair, he’ll loudly whisper to us ‘she had funny looking hair didnt she?!’ It’s embarrassing and one day someone is going to say something to him. It’s definitely getting worse and he’s definitely getting grumpier and thinks we’re nagging him but we’re not- no matter how politely or cheery I am he goes mad and says we’re giving him rows. And yet if other people did the same he would say it’s completely selfish and how can some people be so obvious to other people etc. I’ve tried talking to him about it the next day but he just doesn’t want to talk about it and shuts it down.

He’s still such a genuinely lovely person- I know he would do anything for me and give me the last penny he had- but he is behaviour is definitely changing. I notice it a lot more at night especially after even just one drink, but I know he wouldn’t speak to my uncles like this (and they wouldn’t be as polite about it, they would tell him to stop behaving so bloody selfishly) but yet when I politely say it, he has a go at me. They are really busy and have really important jobs and don’t live near home, so even though I’ve spoke to them about it and they agree with me, they’re limited to what they can do.

I guess I’m just worried about what age related behaviour changes could be and I don’t know what to do for the best. I love my gran and don’t want her to keep being embarrassed by my grandpa, and I love my grandpa and know how lovely a person he is but he’s not behaving like it, and I don’t want him to keep embarrassing himself and disturbing everyone around us in the process. My friends don’t have this problem because their parents aren’t their grandparents so they aren’t older and I can’t ask them if they have similar situations.

Well firstly, it's clear your grandparents have done a wonderfully job of raising you and they must be enormously proud :)

A degenerative condition is of course a worry when older people have personality changes, but there could well be relatively benign reasons for it. Really, what he needs is to be seen by his GP who can run some basic tests.

I think you should confide in your aunts and uncles, don't try and deal with this all on your own. Family is there to share the weight of worries and yours sounds like a deeply loving one.

It doesn't seem like you feel you could, but would you be able to have a heart to heart with your grandpa? Say you've noticed he's seemed less himself lately and is he OK?

Talk to your other family members & ask advice

How old is he?

You've mentioned he gets like this after drinking, is he drinking a lot more than usual?

First thoughts are conditions like alzheimers. But then stress and grief can also make people behave like this as well. Particularly if he's drinking more.

Have a chat with him at a time when he's calm and in a good mood. Also chat to your gran about it. But also be prepared to leave if he doesn't accept there is a problem and is reluctant to change.

It's called sundowning, op. Related to dementia, Alzheimer's, etc. Google it.

No, none of us know that its sundowning, that's a huge leap to make. There are plenty of other explanations many of which are much less dramatic.

Don't hold this worry by yourself, op, confide in your family and try and get him to the gp. Lots of treatable things from depression or anxiety to a deficiency in the blood, could be responsible.

Could it be hearing loss? Playing the music loudly (or the TV) is a sign. Also "whispering" so loudly he can be heard. Maybe he is irritable because he does not hear what is being said and is too proud to ask for you to speak up or repeat?

Good point.

Hearing loss can be quite distressing for the individual, it can also make life exhausting if he struggles to manage background noise, I have a family member who's mood changed v noticeably when they started losing their hearing.