What can you actually do with a baby?

[ratbag44]

I started a thread earlier about a shit attempt at a 'fun day out' I'd tried today. It was a total fail. I have a nearly 7 month old baby and two primary age dc so a fairly big age gap. Baby is quite demanding. Wants to be held all the time, has pretty strict nap and feed times. She will sleep on the move in the buggy but not for long. Thus lots of crying and disappointed older dc today.

Anyway after a lot of stress and tears on our 'fun day out' today, dh and I have been chatting tonight and he's basically told me I need to be more realistic about what we can do with a small baby because attempting to wheel her around a busy city centre and do other family orientated activities on a bank holiday weekend did not end well.

It's made me wonder what do people actually do with babies? If it were just us I would quite happily stay home, go for the occasional walk, but try to stick to her routine and not pressure myself to be on the go. But with two other kids and particularly during the holidays I feel so bad for just staying home all the time. Dh helps where he can but he works full time.

I see people travelling the world with babies. Going on holidays. Days out. Their babies seem to slot into our plans whereas our baby dominates ours. Any advice or reassurance would be good. I know I should have foreseen these issues having such a big age gap but I guess I thought she would slot in and she hasn't.

I was the same, and my third had to just come along with us. We did whatever the older ones needed to do. He napped when he could.

I've got 20m old twins and an 8yo and I rein it in a bit because the twins are obvs hard work and difficult to console 2 at the same time if naps etc are all over the place. Mainly though I try and do what you are doing and focus on entertaining my eldest as they don't need anything specific entertainment wise. What I do do is try to be mindful of not doing too much as they can't cope with say a week in a row of poor naps etc. So I would have done today but then a much quieter day tomorrow.

I took mine everywhere with me but I never had routines to stick to. They just slept when they were tired and fed when they were hungry.

I think it's dependent on your baby. My second went through a phase of this at a similar age, refused to be put down, only slept a certain way. She was and is a little diva. Honestly, we were and are at her very beck and call and life revolves around her sometimes. Other times we do just crack on with it and she copes. She's actually better out of the house than in it.

@KangarooKenny was he pretty chilled? Because that's what I envisaged with my dd but it's just not like that. Today for example she'd been out of the buggy for a while as we had a picnic. She'd been fed and changed and I put her back in the buggy to walk to the next place. She just screamed and screamed inconsolably. You know that type of screaming where passers by are tutting and staring. And she does it all the time. I try wearing her in a sling and she does the same thing.

Dh thinks the answer is to just scale back on the big days out until she's a bit older but I feel guilty to the older dc who are missing out. But on days like today it's really no fun for anyone.

Some babies are 'slotters' and some aren't. Maybe you've got one that doesn't slot.

I would look for activities for the older ones that you can drop them off at or things where they can play independently and you can give a bit more time to the baby, like soft play, Go ape if age appropriate. If the baby is ok when being held something like the cinema or theatre could be ok.

Newborns can go anywhere, but I think the phase of 2 naps is tricky. My DH and I used to divide and conquer on weekends - one person home with the baby, the other one out doing fun things with the old DCs. Once the baby transitions to one nap, it’s much easier to get out and do things either first thing in the morning, or mid afternoon (or both!).

I think you should just go out for the sake of the other two. So she may cry a lot but it's not the end of the world is it ? Maybe try a sling if she prefers being held but I would t let a baby stop the other two doing fun things that's not fair on them.

I think it really depends on the baby. Mine is 8 months and loves a busy city centre, or a pub, or ducks, or going away. But he’s never had much of a routine, doesn’t need much sleep, and likes to be among the people. We tend to have the opposite struggle, and he gets easily bored after a morning in the house; and needs to go be out and about for a few hours. He’s a tiny extrovert!

What did you try and do today?

Does your baby like routine and get cross when out of it? Or cross because there's no routine so you must obey its whims? It really depends why this is happening. Babies can be complex.

Totally depends on the baby. I have the most amazing fourth baby who will come with us anywhere without a fuss, will sleep in the car and pram no problem. And sticks to routine of naps in cot on days at home.. but the other three were not like him at all and I would have dreaded days out with them! Like a past poster said, some kids slot in and some don't! It will get better, and sure the summer is nearly over so days out will be limited

We drove to a city about 1.5 hours away. We wanted to go to an activity centre and a museum for older dc. We managed the museum but the queues for the activity centre were huge and the baby was non stop screaming so in the end I admit I just got stressed and wanted to come home. Then I cried because I felt guilty to the older dc.

In hindsight it wasn't a great idea to drive and try to park/do touristy stuff in a heaving city centre on a bank holiday weekend.

She seems to be in a routine in the sense that I can see she's getting grouchy and irritable at the same time each day which indicates she needs a nap. She will go down easily at home. When we are out she won't because there's more going on. Then the screaming ramps up because she's tired. But she also just wants to be held and even the sling isn't good enough, she wants to be in my arms.

Don't be so hard on yourself @ratbag44 as a parent to 3 young children every night you put them to bed with a full tummy, safe and healthy, and knowing that you love them is a win, anything else on top is a lovely bonus. Some days will be more successful than others. We try to split our weekends same as PP so that one of us can take our 2 year old out on her own and give her our full attention for the day while the other stays home with our 3 month old. We do also do family days out but they're bloody hard work and not all their cracked up to be! Give yourself a break 💓

Sorry you had a rough day. Sounds like it might have just been bad luck though- I wouldn’t stop trying to do interesting things because of one bad day. I think your husband is being a bit unfair- definitely a good idea to
go with the flow and not insist on doing a planned activity if it’s not working, but I wouldn’t just stop planning things. I can see it’s harder with older DC as well though.

I try to follow baby's lead especially when they're out of the newborn/can sleep anywhere phase..
The 2 nap stage is tricky but doesn't last long and then 1 nap is easier.
Can you and your husband take turns to do fun things with the older ones at the weekend? Or have their friends come ground to play? Maybe get some new activities for the house/garden?
It really is temporary and it will pass but baby is still very young so I'd be giving it what it needs if that's naps at home..
Maybe an evening activity is possible for your older kids the odd time too....a cinema trip or meal out at 5/6 o'clock the odd Saturday..
Just until the routine with baby changes again which it will!

Never been so bored in all my life which is why at 12 weeks I hired a nanny and went back to working 12-hour shifts on a Major Trauma Unit.

Some babies are harder work than others. But I would really hesitate before doing a day out somewhere 1.5 hours drive away, would only do it with another adult, and if it was something the older child(ren) would really enjoy, and would stick to visiting one place. Tbh I think your plan was too ambitious with a baby who cries so much. Sorry.

FWIW I have a 5.5yo and a toddler about to turn 2, we struggled with the youngest today as we went somewhere an hour away which messed up her naps. I only do it very rarely!

I find it easier when my oldest has a friend, I've taken them to soft play and looked after my youngest while the older two play with each other. It worked well. So I agree with the PP's suggestion to do that. Stick to places that aren't too far away that will interest the older two and not be too stressful if baby's hard work.

Also agree with PP who said you have to divide and conquer basically, DH and I spend more time than we would like dealing with one child each.

Lastly... it's so hard with babies when they can't tell you what's wrong... but have you considered whether there might be a medical issue and spoken to HV and/or GP about ruling that out?

I think you are being quite hard on yourself. As long as she is fed and dry maybe sometimes she will be be the kind of baby to cry. Could she be teething? Have you tried swimming? What @Rowen32 says is good advice

I feel very trapped to be honest. The older dc are from a previous marriage and although dh is brilliant with them and does get very involved, I feel like it's mostly my job to facilitate activities. They do go to their dads EOW so that gives a bit of respite and at least they know they will be having fun there.

But because the baby is very attached to me I feel like I can't leave her for too long either. Dh is great and he will have her but he is a first time dad and gets pretty stressed too with her craziness crying. I have tried to tell myself he needs to bond with her and sometimes throwing them in at the deep end is the best way to learn but honestly...I can never fully relax either with or without her. It's a brutal time and I know it's only temporary but my god it's tough.

just keep going out - baby will get used to it. Good for them have lots of experiences

Having 3 kids including a baby is hard work!

I would keep it simple for now with short trips out in the morning to local park or whatever and by next summer it should be easier.

We had a baby when my step children were 7 and 6. We did manage some days out (always as a couple though never on my own!) but it often involved my husband doing stuff with the older two while I walked/sat/fed the baby! Divide and conquer is the rule!

i would say it gets easier but age differences can be tricky for family activities! Now 14, 13 and 6 and entering into a few years where we might be able to do some family activities! The toddler stage was hell!

@NameChange30 you are totally right, it was way too much and I think this is why dh made the 'be realistic' comment. I have felt guilty about not doing enough over the holidays with the older two so I built this day up and then felt even worse when it went wrong.

She does have a few issues which GP/HV are aware of. Nothing major and she is happy and settled a lot of the time (mostly when she's at home in her own surroundings and in her routine!) but when she kicks off she really kicks off. The amount of 'oh dears' and funny looks we got today was awful 🙈

When my dc1 was a 5, almost 6, in the summer holidays, and I had dc2 as a baby, I remember alot of picnics with friends. We did go to the sea side and woods and things during trips to stay with family too. I think it was a lot of outdoor chiller type stuff, rather than city centre and indoor.
Maybe the odd museum type place.

Dc2 was a pretty chilled baby to be fair. He did nap in his buggy or sling.

Now he’s 8 and he never stops talking all day, and is quite difficult to tire out, so swings and roundabouts😂😀 He’s very lovely too though, obviously.