Room sharing

[Jourdain11]

We moved house just over a year ago and the original plan had been that DDs (now 10 and almost 9) would share the larger bedroom and DS (7) would take the little tiny room. In the event, DD1 ended up with the small room and DD2 and DS shared the bigger room. It was a consensual arrangement, partly due to DD1 having ongoing OCD and medical issues and partly because DD2 and DS just fancied sharing (having never shared before).

A year and a bit on - DD2 and DS love sharing and their bedroom is happy mayhem. But I thought we should maybe switch around this summer. DD2 is going into Y5 and I just feel like maybe it's a bit old to be sharing with a brother when there's another option?

However, DD1 got panicky at the idea of sharing and they (DDs) aren't rubbing along brilliantly at the moment. So this is also not an ideal solution.

Do you think that 9 (as DD2 will be in a few days) is too old to share with a brother, or is it still okay? I am in 2 minds about this, but my instinct is that it's probably best to leave the arrangement as it is, since they're all content with it.

Sorry, in case not clear... my AIBU is, whether I'm being unreasonable to suggest rearrangements when they're all basically happy with it as it stands?!

It’s recommended that children of the opposite sex stop sharing over the age of 10. Are you able to partition the room at all? If not DD1 is going to have to share at some point & the longer you leave it the harder it may be.

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/sharing-a-bedroom/

I’d leave well alone , the guidelines are all well and good but in real life there are issues ( like your oldest daughters problems) . Could you split the existing shared room even if only be a curtain / screen / bookcase contraption so that everyone gets some privacy in the long term .

I would let them carry on sharing as long as they are comfortable to do so .

I think it's bordering on inappropriate especially as DD will soon be entering puberty.

Can you not partition their room and give them both some privacy?

It's fine so long as they are happy sharing. DD2 and DS can get changed privately in the bathroom or in your bedroom.

If they're happy leave them to it. Forcing them to switch will just make everyone's lives harder. I understand them needing privacy but if they're not bothered I wouldn't force it. No need for squeamishness just because they're boy and girl, they're just kids.

There’s the ideal where children of different sex’s don’t share rooms.
Then there is the real world where for many families this isn’t possible for a number of reasons.
sleeping in the same room does not mean they have to dress and undress in front of one another. If they are happy with the arrangement I would leave things as they are.

YABU. My niece 14 and nephew 12 have been happily sharing a room for the past couple of years, no issues whatsoever. In fact the arrangement was a birthday present for nephew - originally the two oldest girls had been sharing, but niece 19 gave up her share of a much-coveted loft room to him. Not in the UK though so social attitudes less of an issue.

Unfortunately the room isn't really partitionable, but at the moment I don't think either of them are self-conscious or uncomfortable. I'm aware that might change though, of course!

If they are all happy, I don't see any reason to rock the boat. They're really young still.

However, I do think you should look at what might be possible to do to give all three kids their own space. E.g. loft conversion or partitioning the master bedroom etc

I think it'll definitely change as they enter puberty, so it's worth having a plan in place that you can action when DD comes to you and says she doesn't want to share anymore.

For example, can your room be partitioned instead?

For another 2/3 years it's fine but eventually you'll need a solution.

Yes, it probably could be more easily (just because of the shape of the room). So that's always an option.

Essentially, DD1 is self-conscious about her rituals and issues to do with her health conditions, so she's very anxious about sharing. DD2 is also reluctant and I'm concerned that DD1's (many) disturbed nights would impact DD2 also.

Do you have the possibility of an extension / repurposing a dining room or something to give them all their own room in the longer term? I’m sure at some point they will no longer be comfortable sharing!

yes it's fine to keep the status quo for now, would be stupid to upset everyone for no reason just because of some abstract age at which kids 'should' stop sharing, however you really need to start planning what's going to happen in the (very likely near future) when they do change their minds? When it does happen, I'd recommend you and DP need to present it as your decision rather than DD2s, otherwise DD1 will blame DD2 for ruining the present set up.

DD1 was always not going to like having to go back to sharing once she'd got used to having her own room so realistically you'll either have to try and sort a compromise (like a partition/attic room/something) or be prepared that she's really not going to react well.

We already have a conversion (we have the top half of a Victorian house with an attic room) but there's definitely scope to re-convert it a bit, as in, we could maximise the attic space better. I'll think about partitioning possibilities in the meantime. It’s hard to anticipate when DD2 and DS might become uncomfortable sharing, but I've had some really 'surprised' comments about them sharing from relations and friends' parents.

I was aware of the NSPCC guidelines, but I also know that time passes quickly and also, the age at which they (DS and DD2) don't feel comfortable with it any longer might not match up to that.

Thanks for the suggestion! They do have different bedtimes and DD2 usually changes in the bathroom after her bath or shower in any case (which is just habit and what she's always done rather than feeling uncomfortable, I believe).

I think it’s fine. I’d keep them as they are until such time as dd 2 feels unhappy with it.

I had a chat with her this morning and have said she should tell me if she doesn't want to share with her brother any more. She looked at me like I was being very odd!

Incidentally, I wad surprised by the NSPCC guidance that siblings shouldn't share after 10 years old. I knew the guidance is not after 10 years for opposite-six siblings, but I shared with my sister throughout my whole childhood and teen years and where I grew up (in France) that was completely usual.

Although maybe generally, in cities, it is more common!

As long as your dc are all happy with the arrangement! My dd 15 asked if she could share with ds 6 instead of with dd 14!! More appealing!!
Dd 14 is hideous of late so don't blame her!!

It's fine if they're happy with it.