To think I have very poor self awareness?

[thesekidsarenotalright]

I'm a 30 year old female. From around 15 I've struggled with social interaction with strangers. I have never struggled to make friends or keep friends, however, it takes me a while to feel comfortable to be myself with people but once I am I am absolutely fine.

I have always had this obsession and worry that conversations with strangers are awkward. If I was going on a date I'd worry about silences and if things were awkward. If I was starting uni I would worry that I'd come across as awkward to people. If I ran into someone I knew in a supermarket I would worry the conversation was awkward etc.

Sometimes when I'm speaking to strangers I feel like they stare at me as if I've said the wrong thing. For instance, today I was at a training day for work and the big boss came up to me and introduced herself and asked me a question and when I answered she just kept nodding and smiling and staring at me and not saying anything. It made me feel like my answer wasn't good enough and that she was waiting on me to expand. This happens a lot with strangers where I will answer a question and they will nod whilst staring at me expectedly. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

The thing is, if I'm with my friend and I say oh that conversation was so awkward they genuinely have no idea what I mean and say the conversation was absolutely fine. Also when I claim I am a shy person my friends will say you are not shy in the slightest. When I do a presentation and feel so nervous people will say I came across as really confident but I feel anything but.

I feel like the way I feel inside is completely different to what people see on the outside. Do I just have poor self awareness? I've always felt different since I was a child/teenager but I can't really explain it.

I feel like the way I feel inside is completely different to what people see on the outside.

Yes, that's entirely normal. Most of the people you think are confident and comfortable will be feeling the same as you at various points.

If you've hit 30 and not realised that then perhaps you are a tiny bit lacking in self awareness but many, many people never realise.

For example cold reading (how psychics fleece people) only works because what sounds like deep insight into our personalities is actually just very generic feelings everyone has.

A lot of drama on MN occurs because people are convinced another person knew what they wanted or they knew why another person did something- but invariably they haven't actually communicated properly.

I've always felt different since I was a child/teenager but I can't really explain it.

When I used to cold read people to show them psychics aren't real, I always put that in- everyone in thinks that (we presumably some don't but, ironically, they are very rare).

I always feel anxious speaking to people and worry about them thinking I’m stupid. I question myself constantly. I am very shy but can mask it and pretend I’m ok when chatting when nervous wreck inside, I can also like you give a presentation and seem confident even when afterwards I am ripping myself apart with self doubt.
My issue is I was bought up to be a people pleaser and always think about how what I did effected other people. I find I overly worried I have upset people. I don’t think is poor self awareness, I think it’s the opposite, you are very aware what comes out of your mouth where others don’t think about it. I always worried about upsetting my parents when growing up and even as a small child could not stand the feeling of disappointing others. A lot of people would not recognise when I am very socially anxious as I covered it well in fear of irritating others. I only recognised it when going to counciling as I tend to not deal with upsetting situations but instead try not to bother others with negative emotions.

I understand this OP and I am also like this. I just put it down to being a bit socially awkward/shy/introverted. And anxious to be liked.
I don't think you have poor self awareness really. I mean not anything to worry about.
If you want to try and change things you could look at self helps books or confidence courses or YouTube videos on being confident in social interaction. 💐

I get this. I was brought up to worry about what others think of me to a ridiculous extent (from my mum) and to people please

Have you been through any kind of trauma or had a distant/critical relationship with your parents? I only ask because one of the symptoms can be feeling 'different' from other people and not knowing why.

Otherwise it could be social anxiety.

Yes had a lot of trauma growing up due to my parents. And although now I would say I'm 'close' to them, it's not a normal relationship like I see other people having with their parents.

It's pretty normal. But don't go around saying "Wow, that was so awkward" or "Ooh this is awkward". I know someone who does this and it can kill a perfectly pleasant atmosphere stone dead.

Haha that is literally me

What about the uncomfortable staring? Why do people do that?

It sounds like you have social anxiety/social phobia. Mine used to be debilitating. Once someone made me blush and it triggered panic attacks. I did CBT which was successful, I’m still ‘shy’ and a little bit awkward but now where near as bad. Have a look into social phobia - I feel for you, it’s really hard x

Once someone made me blush and it triggered panic attacks

to elaborate it got so bad I had to quit my job and became a virtual recluse so I had to do the cbt to get back to some normal sense of life.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/social-anxiety/

I can totally relate to this OP. At its worst it's like there's constantly two trains of thought running parallel to each other in my head - one is a constant analysis of what I've said and what I should be saying and how it was received, and the other train is trying to focus on the actual conversation I'm having. The catch 22 is that the actual conversation I'm having is so crap and unnatural because I'm not completely there because I'm distracted by the first train.

For me it's a type of social anxiety which is inherently linked with other generalised anxiety issues. When I'm going through a bit of a low patch my social anxiety skyrockets. Outside of these times though I've sort of made peace with the fact I'm just a bit socially awkward and so just try to be myself - and to be happy with myself. If things are still awkward I try to remind myself that it's not a big deal, I don't have to be liked by everyone and I probably wasn't destined to be best friends with those people anyway! And then I remind myself I'm probably overthinking it!

If you're anything like me you might be overthinking what other people make of you just as your overthinking how to act in the first place!

When you've finished answering a question, do you ask a question back? Maybe that is what people are waiting for?

What questions have you been asked where you’ve answered and then this has happened? Are they waiting for you to ask the question in return?

I think it might really be worth exploring that, because you could be internalising negative messages you've received, or translating a trauma response into a feeling of being different/defective. You could also look at attachment disorders and how they manifest when it comes to our self-image and relationships.

I've been through the exact same thing myself and it took a lot of therapy and understanding to be able to separate myself from what I had 'learned' (ie there's something wrong with me, I'm awkward), and finally get my confidence back.

Is this a thing? Should we take turns asking questions? I feel no one told me the rules

I presume things like ‘how are you?’ and ‘how was your day?’ where it would be polite to ask the same in return.

Idk that sounds like normal human shit to me. Who doesn't worry about being awkward around strangers?

For example - I know I come across as incredibly confident and self assured, but I'm often anxious, feel out of place etc.

I also told my partner he was the most secure and stable person I'd ever met and he informed me that he felt near a breakdown. Then he had the breakdown.

@donquixotedelamancha that's really interesting - what other things are there that almost everyone believes about themselves?