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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Listening to a podcast with earphones in the car

18 replies

adhdforme · 27/08/2022 10:23

Family and I were in a long 5hrs drive yesterday. Son was in the back reading a book. Daughter was fast asleep. Husband was driving and we've never been massive chatters in the car. This could be down to my ADHD where I just don't do small talk. But I've been that way all my life and he knows it. Husband was listening to his music which I don't really enjoy. We'd chat occasionally, but he annoyed me by making another one of his snide rude remarks to me. So I got fed up and decided to make better use of my time in the car by listening to a podcast. This irritated him because I was occupying myself and seemingly removed myself from the company of everyone else (which was basically him as my daughter was asleep and my son was sat quiet in the back reading). If husband did say something to me I would remove my headphones and talk to him. But after a few mins of silence I'd put them back in and start listening again. I listened in total for about an hour but this was broken up by him or the kids asking me something or stopping at the services for the loo.

He's annoyed at me and making rude comments and put downs at me again for listening to my own thing because I should have been talking and interacting with him. Even though I know if I would have not been listening to it we would have barely spoke.

So...AIBU for listening to a podcast on my headphones instead of just sitting there mostly in silence with him? I also read a book for 30-40 mins which didn't seem to bother him. But if I go in my phone in the car that bothers him because I should be talking to him instead. 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
SlowingDownAndDown · 27/08/2022 10:31

He sounds unpleasant. It is obviously a difficult relationship, but I think it is objectively rude to listen to headphones in the front passenger seat.

SlowingDownAndDown · 27/08/2022 10:33

If it’s that or kill him then I suppose you should go ahead.

Soontobe60 · 27/08/2022 10:39

I’d be annoyed if I were driving and my dh put headphones in tbh. However, we always have the radio on in the car - we find a radio station we both enjoy (or can tolerate) if it’s a long journey. For a short journey we leave our own preferred radio station on if we are driving our own car.

abovedecknotbelow · 27/08/2022 10:39

Well I wouldn't have done it because if I'm the non driver I like to be 'on it' to help DH out, chat etc and vice versa but in your shoes I would have done. It sounds deeply uncomfortable anyway.

Lucidas · 27/08/2022 10:41

As you probably know, the problem really isn’t listening to something in the car, but the habitual ‘rude, snide remarks’ that’s the underlying issue here.

ApolloandDaphne · 27/08/2022 11:14

I cannot see the issue with this at all. The opposite of this is me listening to my audiobook whilst I was driving and forcing DH to listen to it too ( l just by way of it being on) despite him having no interest in my book!

Original poster
adhdforme · 27/08/2022 11:18

Lucidas · 27/08/2022 10:41

As you probably know, the problem really isn’t listening to something in the car, but the habitual ‘rude, snide remarks’ that’s the underlying issue here.

Yes you are right. They are quite often. My problem is I don't see the world the same way as most people and what's acceptable to me I think is often unacceptable to others. I did the podcast thing because he annoyed me, but I did bring my headphones with me thinking maybe I could listen to it in the car if there was a lull. He listens to podcasts on his earphones at home while he makes his dinner and I'm there. So I struggle sometimes to see the difference between these situations. I would have never listened to if if I was with someone else. But I figured I might as well maximise my time if I'm just sat in the car basically in silence

OP posts:
Clymene · 27/08/2022 11:21

Can you not find a podcast to listen to together?

Do you drive?

Original poster
adhdforme · 27/08/2022 11:23

Clymene · 27/08/2022 11:21

Can you not find a podcast to listen to together?

Do you drive?

I don't think there would have been anything that would have been appropriate for the children a ears in the car lol

OP posts:
Original poster
adhdforme · 27/08/2022 11:26

Clymene · 27/08/2022 11:21

Can you not find a podcast to listen to together?

Do you drive?

And yes I drive. And I offered several times to drive. But he doesn't like my driving and again always makes comments about it while I'm driving which I find infuriating.

He also continued to make comments this morning because I went to bed before him yesterday because I was tired and kept asking me what I had to be tired about and kept pointing out that if anyone should be tired it's him for doing all the driving. Because I have no right to be tired I guess 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Clymene · 27/08/2022 12:17

Do you like him? Honestly doesn't sound like it Sad

Original poster
adhdforme · 27/08/2022 20:30

Clymene · 27/08/2022 12:17

Do you like him? Honestly doesn't sound like it Sad

I dislike the way he treats me. But I understand I am very difficult to live with due to my own faults from adhd.

But even today I wore ear plugs in the car because the dog was crying for what would be an hours drive and often the children are bickering and fighting. I can still hear everyone and have conversations with them. But the ear plugs full the sound and don't put me into sensory overload making me want to smash my head against a wall. Anyways he kept doing this sarcastic evil stare at me while I was doing it. Like he was trying to prove a point and pick a fight. He can be such an asshole sometimes because he doesn't understand me anymore

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 27/08/2022 20:41

OP the more you say about him the worse he sounds.
You've done nothing wrong it's him being a dickhead.

CapMarvel · 27/08/2022 20:43

Of course it's fine to use headphones in the car if a passenger wants to listen to something different from the driver or not to disturb them.

Hopeandlove · 27/08/2022 20:55

I once had a boyfriend get absolutely pissed off when I was reading a book and he literally drove to a random train station and told me to get out. We were going from London to Birmingham in a van he had hired to move his stuff - nothing to do with me. He wasn’t talking to me and then made snide comments and then I read my book. Absolute twat and I should of dumped him then

Augend23 · 27/08/2022 20:57

I mean I don't think I really assume the car journey has to be filled with small talk? I tend to quite enjoy chatting in the car about all manner of topics from politics to science to books and everything in between. It is a bit uncomfortable when someone just decides they're not interested in your company (which I think deliberately tuning out with headphones to block out your companions does feel like). But making rude comments isn't on and isn't going to make you feel more like you want to chat!

I do have days where I struggle to deal with people - I usually say "I can't human today" if that's the case which seems to let people know I know it's me not them.

DonnaBanana · 27/08/2022 20:57

I used to do this all the time. With one earphone. So nobody realised most of the time if you pick the side away from everyone else. Use an earphone you can have a single one and it's fine since you can still answer if anyone does talk.

Clymene · 27/08/2022 21:26

catandcoffee · 27/08/2022 20:41

OP the more you say about him the worse he sounds.
You've done nothing wrong it's him being a dickhead.

He really does Sad

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