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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt

23 replies

Whyamivirtuallyinvisible · 27/08/2022 07:58

I am part of a friendship group (also have group chat) of 4. We worked together, but three of us have now left. I’m closer to one friend (call her Lucy)and we usually talk often on WhatsApp. and meet as a four every two months ish.
The last time we were planning to meet it was agreed we would decide the meet time on the day as one was going to a Jubilee thing and one was working til 5.30pm. In my head I kind of assumed (wrong I know) that we wouldn’t be meeting til maybe 7.30pm/8. By 5pm on the day I’d still heard nothing so asked on the group what was happening. “Lucy” replied I'm ready now and by 6pm the other three had decided to meet at 6.30pm and had said we’d get food. I responded that I’d just walked in from farm and needed hair wash and shower so wouldn’t be there until later, plus I had a 30 min drive.
I arrived at 7.55pm to find they’d just ordered food to share and eaten without me. I wouldn’t have minded if they’d said ‘Why don’t you eat at home if you’re going to be late’ but nothing was said and I’d had no dinner. They could even have called to ask how long I was going to be. They all know I have animals to sort out so why not tell me earlier they were planning such an early meet up. When I arrived they offered me what was left of the cold food.

They've recently annoyed me again and I haven’t been in touch all summer. AIBU

OP posts:

chillipenguin · 27/08/2022 08:09

The polite thing for you to have done would have been to say oh I won't be there until nearly 8, you go ahead and order food without me.

Mumspair1 · 27/08/2022 08:41

You can't expect everyone to wait to eat till 8. You should have Said that you can only be there much later and you will get something when you arrive.

Mumspair1 · 27/08/2022 08:42

Also did you really expect them to wait from 6.30- 8pm for you to order food?

Testina · 27/08/2022 08:44

YABU. It was obvious they weren’t going to wait until 20:00 to eat. What were you dicking around with for an hour, if it was only 30 mins away?

GooglyEyeballs · 27/08/2022 08:47

You didn't communicate though so I'm not sure why you were expecting them to wait for you or chase around after you. YABU.

Testina · 27/08/2022 09:13

“why not tell me earlier they were planning such an early meet up”

From what you’ve said in your OP, they weren’t planning an early meet. You kicked off the chat to finalise an informal plan, and everyone else within an hour decided they were free early evening - sounds pretty spontaneous.

Testina · 27/08/2022 09:14

And for that, you’ve ignored them all summer. 🤔

kimchifox · 27/08/2022 09:18

Why didn't you just order yourself something when you arrived? "So sorry I couldn't get here earlier, such a hectic day, I'm absolutely starving! Do any of you want anything else?"

RealBecca · 27/08/2022 09:20

In 6 months you'll probably be asking why they are meeting without you and not including you, leaving out that you have given them the silent treatment.

Why didnt you just get some chips?

MRex · 27/08/2022 09:21

Wow, you really enjoy holding grudges!

You haven't really explained why you were unable to order and eat when you arrived. What was the reason for that?

Andromachehadabadday · 27/08/2022 09:25

Seems like a massive over reaction on your part tbh. If they were meeting up, I would expect them to eat before you got there.

You assumed they were meeting later, no one said that.

tbh, I would consider them ex friends, since you ignored them all summer.

SummerInSun · 27/08/2022 09:27

Sorry, but this was just a mix up and you are taking it way too much to heart and sulking like a teenager. The other three assumed that if one finished work at 5:30 you'd all meet as soon as possible after that. You assumed you were meeting later. That's no-one's fault as such, just poor communication by everyone.

You said you'd be late and arrived well after the others. They didn't know how quickly you'd be there, and frankly if you said you were just popping to have a quick shower I'd assume you would be out the door within 20-30 min - they probably expected you'd be there by the time the food they had ordered arrived. You weren't. But from your OP, they didn't leave without you, or say when you got there that they were just leaving and you'd missed the evening.

In the ideal world, they would have messaged you and asked for an ETA and said they would order for everyone. But in an ideal world, you should have been clearer too - "I'll get there at X". Personally I also feel you should have said "go ahead and start eating as I'll be later than the rest of you" but if you wanted them to wait you could have said "why don't you order for all of us, and I'll be there at X if we can time food for then". Or suggested they have starters and wait for you for the main course.

From their point of view, you arrived hours late for a get together, didn't communicate clearly about when you'd arrive or whether or not they should wait for you to eat, and have now been sulking all summer like they have mortally offended you. You owe them the apology at least for the radio silence over the summer. In fact, now I type this out, I'm beginning to wonder if this is a reverse because surely no-one overreacts like this about a trivial mix up with close friends?

maddy68 · 27/08/2022 09:46

Eh? What an overreaction. You can't expect them to wait for hours. You could have got something when you arrived

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/08/2022 09:46

You just didn’t organise your meet up properly, it’s not a big deal. In so far as it matters you were at fault for epic non comms and not being ready till so late

You are being ridiculous, making a mountain out of a molehill, and compounding it by sulking

Message them all, apologise for the summer silence (blame it on busyness ) and enthusiastically suggest a meet up, and also meet up with Lucy separately

If you carry on like this you will have no friends

happinessischocolate · 27/08/2022 09:48

So they ordered food to share, which you could have eaten if you were there in time but you weren't. You could then have ordered some chips but you'd rather be angry and fall out with good friends because they didn't just sit round waiting for you.

Give yourself a slap and then arrange a meet up soon before you lose some good friends.

CrystalCoco · 27/08/2022 09:50

These are the style of 'loose-arrangements' that my DH continually makes and surprise surprise they turn out like this - or don't turn out at all.

It's not that difficult to say a time, everyone has 'other' things going on but with a little planning, it can happen. You couldn't guess their schedule and vice versa but if you'd all had a chat this wouldn't have happened.

Lymregent · 27/08/2022 09:59

I really can't believe you expected them all to wait for you! They were clear that they were meeting up earlier, it's not their fault that you were late. You are the unreasonable one.

Randomword6 · 27/08/2022 10:04

Wow I can see that you felt left out and have painful feelings about it. Not necessarily anyone's fault, but perhaps you are growing away from them anyway.

Lindy2 · 27/08/2022 10:08

I'd be starving waiting until after 8pm to eat.

I'm afraid I wouldn't wait for anyone for more than about half an hour so I'd have done exactly what your friends did.

Expecting 3 people to wait specifically for 1 late person (and actually 1 really very late person) is somewhat self entitled, to be blunt.

I don't think you have any reason to be offended. You arrived when you did and you should have just ordered yourself something to eat while you all chatted and enjoyed the rest of your evening.

You should really have checked the plans and meeting time beforehand without making assumptions.

No big deal though.

JustFlying · 27/08/2022 10:15

If one was working til 5.30 I'd be ready to go out at 5.30 thinking that they'd be meeting straight from work.

CoolerThanIceCream · 27/08/2022 12:13

“Lucy” replied I'm ready now and by 6pm the other three had decided to meet at 6.30pm and had said we’d get food.

I think this was your first clue that they’d get food (2 hours before you arrived).

Rowen32 · 27/08/2022 12:21

You're being very unreasonable. There was every chance they'd be able to meet straight after work and how they did arrange it was perfectly acceptable and there's no way I would expect anyone to wait until 8 for their dinner after working all day.
Yes, they could have asked would they order you something but you still wouldn't have got there on time.
What was the other thing you were hurt about?
I can't believe you're potentially willing to lose 3 friends over this..

ghostyslovesheets · 27/08/2022 12:27

YABU and a bit silly - they were fairly clear that they were meeting at 6:30 and eating - you came later - nothing to stop you ordering food then

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