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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am expecting too much from my brother

27 replies

confusedinlondon · 27/08/2022 01:21

I don’t know if I am expecting too much from my brother but he rarely visits our parents. I think pre covid it was about once every six months and since covid he has visited once in 2.5 years with the last visit being over 1.5 years ago. He lives with his wife and child about a 2 hour drive away so not close but not on the other side of the world.

My brother (36) has had a boy (who is 10 months old). He hasn’t brought his son to visit our parents instead they go to visit him despite it being difficult for my mum because she has mobility issues.

our mother dotes on him and phones him every few days but he will never phone himself unless he is replying to a missed call. What is surprising is that I wouldn’t say their relationship is strained but it seems they are the ones making a lot of the effort although he does send them pictures of the baby.

my parents are in their late 60s and my mother hasn’t been too well but despite this he hasn’t bothered to visit. They have helped him out a lot recently with a large deposit for his house and money for his wedding.

my brother and i aren’t particularly close, I have two young kids but he has never phoned to wish them a happy birthday, just a WhatsApp message a few days after their birthday when our mum has reminded him.
I thought the birth of his son would be a chance for us to reconnect. I sent him a few WhatsApp messages asking to visit several months ago and we visited. I sent a few follow up messages sort of hinting we’d like to visit soon but he hasn’t invited us agin which is his choice.

generally I think he is indifferent towards them but I don’t know if this is normal.

OP posts:
WitTanks · 27/08/2022 01:28

Are you the golden child by any chance, OP?

Original poster
confusedinlondon · 27/08/2022 01:35

WitTanks · 27/08/2022 01:28

Are you the golden child by any chance, OP?

nope far from it. He has made a much better go of his life than i. He is def the golden child.

OP posts:
RockItLikeRocketFuel · 27/08/2022 01:39

he hasn’t invited us agin which is his choice

This might be it, OP. Maybe he's just happy living in his own world without needing to be close to his relatives. Family interaction just isn't that important to some people.

lking679 · 27/08/2022 01:44

Sounds pretty typical of my brothers to be honest, they possibly make more of an effort but it’s strikingly less than my sisters do. Your parents phoning him every few days sounds like they keep in contact a lot.
Have you raised him visiting your parents instead of vice versa, what did he say?
you can’t change people if he’s not that fussed and your parents are ok with it too let them get on with it.

Original poster
confusedinlondon · 27/08/2022 01:48

I haven’t raised him travelling down. My parents did and he said he was too busy.

OP posts:
Peakypolly · 27/08/2022 01:51

You are perfectly entitled to feel your DB doesn't make much effort with your parents but it is really between them.
Have you asked your parents if they are sad about DB's lack of effort? If they are, I would encourage them to tell him this. What is there to lose seeing as they rarely see him in any case. Does your DB live close to his IL's? If your SIL does most of the social arrangements your DB may just go along with them because it is easier, he needs to decide if seeing his parents is a priority. Your parents may need to point out they find the journey difficult.
But this is pure speculation, as your parents don't seem to be upset with him.
As to wether this is 'normal', not in my situation. My DH is far more supportive to his parents than his DSis, despite us living a much greater distance away from them.

Offandonagain · 27/08/2022 02:02

Thos sounds exactly like my husband and his parents. He just feels that he uas nothing in common with them and they live in his home town 4 hours away which he hates going back to as it’s a dump with not much going on and often means we’re stuck in pil house for a few days bored out of our minds.

They often come to us and make more effort, but they have a caravan tourer and can make more of a holiday out of it.

Kitkatcatflap · 27/08/2022 02:15

100% my brother too. I have given up now stepped back and I bet he hasn't even noticed.

It probably wouldn't occur to your brother to visit your parents because they come to him and he assumes they want to or enjoy it. And your parents don't say anything to him because they don't want to 'rock the boat' but they moan to you about it.

Is your brother someone who picks up on what's app hints. You may have to be a bit more obvious, if you want to visit him again.

Good luck OP

Hubs456 · 27/08/2022 02:55

Can I ask, does anyone else phone themselves? I do it on occasion if I have lost my phone, but I can’t see a practical use for it? And think it might be. Bit unusual.
Maybe as a means of talking through problems out loud to get to the root of an issue?
Does anyone else do think and find it useful?

justfiveminutes · 27/08/2022 06:52

I don't know about indifferent, but it sounds as if he takes them for granted.

He is confident they will phone several times a week, visit regularly, keep loving him and giving him money when he needs it, all without any thought or effort from him.

It is a shame and I think one day he will probably regret it. Maybe when his parents are gone or when his own children are treating him the same way - that is what he's teaching them about how adults treat their parents after all.

I'm sure he's busy with a job and a young family, and maybe he doesn't particularly enjoy staying in his parents' house and hasn't got the money for hotels, but he would find a way if he cared how he made his parents feel or about his mum travelling with mobility issues.

vdbfamily · 27/08/2022 06:59

If he gets a call from them every few days, I am not sure when he would get a chance to initiate that as he is speaking to them more frequently than most adults speak to their parents. Also, if they visit him regularly he may not feel the need to visit them. Do they invite him and he says no?
I am a bit like this. I tend not to be the person who initiates as I don't feel a need all the time but if people phone me or visit I am delighted. My friends and family know what I am like so they maintain regular contact.

SundayTeatime · 27/08/2022 07:00

It sounds relatively normal to me. Not saying that it’s ideal, but it’s a common scenario. I don’t think not phoning to send birthday wishes on your DC’s birthdays is particularly odd, though. I’ve never done that for my nephews and nieces, and nor have my siblings. It’s an odd thing for you to mention, and maybe you have exaggerated expectations. In the end, it’s between your parents and him.

startfresh · 27/08/2022 07:09

Literally not your business. I really don't like when siblings take it upon themselves to tell their siblings what to do/when to visit. Leave him to it, some people love being around family, some don't. Everyone should be able to make their own choices.

orbitalcrisis · 27/08/2022 07:54

Maybe he'd come more if they stopped ringing him all the time. That would drive me nuts!

TenRedThings · 27/08/2022 08:04

My brother is like this and it's crap. My parents also couldn't be bothered with family. Now my DF is old, alone and laments the lack of family. You get back what you put in. Your DB will teach his DC that family don't matter and he too risks a lonely old age.

Onlyhuman123 · 27/08/2022 08:23

I agree OP. My 'D'B is same. Couldn't give a shit about our parents, despite all the support they've given him over the years. He was always golden child too. I'd also be upset with the lack of contact for my kids and also his new baby too...but if he's such a knob you wouldn't want him in yours or your kids life would you really?

But as you will be told on here 'its none of your business' so you just do you and accept it for what it is.

GooglyEyeballs · 27/08/2022 08:37

Tbh OP I really think it's none of your business. In my experience nothing good ever comes of siblings getting involved in the relationships of other family members.

MadamTrelawney · 27/08/2022 08:46

I have two sisters and one brother and all us sisters are good at keeping contact and visits etc but my brother who is one of the kindest people I know, it just doesn’t enter his head all the time. In saying that maybe we go overboard in the chat but still he’s just in another world.

As an aside to that too when it comes to my in laws my husband doesn’t keep in great contact there. At a family dinner recently I got so many digs about family and keeping in touch (they live 15 minutes away and the phone works both ways) and I pointed out that it’s not my job to facilitate his relationship with them I became his wife not his mother and I’m not about to be made feel guilty because he forgets to text them back or call up to visit them.

It could be more a careless thing rather than anything selfish or malicious. And especially if your parents initiate all the contact your brother probably doesn’t feel it necessary to take the first steps? Or more of the old adage of a daughter is for life but you have a son until he gets a wife scenario? 😒

pinkystrawberry · 27/08/2022 09:01

My dh isn't in much contact with his mother but that's because in reflection he doesn't like her. It really is as simple as that. And as an adult he's chosen to not spend time with her because of this. And as an adult no one should be pressuring anyone to see someone they clearly don't want to which it sounds like in the cxx se of your db

pinkystrawberry · 27/08/2022 09:01

Case*

Titsflyingsouth · 27/08/2022 09:05

Yep, my brother is exactly the same....

worriedatthistime · 27/08/2022 09:44

@SundayTeatime in my family every cousin siblings do birthdays and every friend i know people wish their niece and nephew happy birthday , i think that is quite commone

roarfeckingroarr · 27/08/2022 09:58

As a mother of a gorgeous cuddly toddler son this makes me sad and worried for the future

balalake · 27/08/2022 10:17

I think where it is possible a relationship between grandparents and grandchildren can be a lovely and important part of a child's life. I gained so much from my grandmothers (sadly grandfathers not alive by then), and have seen all the children in the next generation of my family with this as well.

If this lack of visiting and minimal contact continues, the OPs nephew I think is the one who will miss out most.

Hbh17 · 27/08/2022 10:23

Nothing to do with you. There is no law that says we have to keep in touch with/visit family members, so it's entirely your brother's choice.