DDs boyfriend

[Rosebel]

So my DD (16) has boyfriend, not the one I posted about before but a new one. They've been together 3 months.
At first I quite liked her new boyfriend but in the last month or so I've noticed he doesn't treat her very well. They'll arrange to meet and literally at the last minute he'll cancel and often not even bother to tell her
If she goes out with her friends he will always turn up which she likes but strikes me as controlling.
I also found out recently he's had warnings from the police (about a year ago) and this school he is at is a sort of last chance school.
He tells me constantly (when he actually does show up) that he was brought up to respect women and would never hurt my DD but it seems like an odd thing to say.
There is also the issue that his mum doesn't like my DD as they are middle class and we are working class.
Would I be totally unreasonable to suggest not seeing him to her?
I'm hesitating because she's 16 and will find a way to be with him if she wants and because I think if I make it clear I don't like him she will just dig her heels in and stay with him just to prove a point.
She's convinced they love each other but can't see how disrespectful he is
So I suppose my AIBU is should I encourage her to break up with him or not?
They are both staring at college in September (not the same one) should I hope they might decide to finish things once they have new friends /interests.

YABU

Definitely do not talk to her about breaking up with him

At 16 would you have listened?

Just let it fizzle out maybe mention that it isn't "romantic or whatever for him to turn up if she's hanging out with friends, you need to take a back seat there might be many more boyfriends over the years.

And it doesn't matter if his mum doesn't like her, let her figure stuff out on her own.

He tells me constantly (when he actually does show up) that he was brought up to respect women and would never hurt my DD but it seems like an odd thing to say.

Because it is. It's almost like its deliberate thing to plant in someone's mind so that if they do do something disrespectful, you would think oh it couldn't possibly because he's not like that.

I would try talk to her gently about how it makes her feel when he stands her up, that it's not respectful to do that and if she feels he's making a fool of her... But do so gently because prod too much and you'll push her more toward her. I'd also try to make her as busy as possible between now and college time with days out/shopping/errands to give her some space from him.

Don't do it. She will be so busy pushing back against you, she wont see him for what he is for far longer. The best you can do is carefully make little observations about the inappropriate behaviour that you see. "Don't your friends get fed up when BF keeps appearing when you are with them" etc.

As PPs have said, talking to her directly about his behaviour will backfire.

But talking indirectly about abusive behaviours might lay some subconscious awarenesses. Watch 'You' together, chat about news items that connect to controlling behaviours, ask her what she thinks about things like coercive control...

Not in an obvious or pointed way, but gently, randomly.

I don't know a single woman who hasn't had a relationship like this at some point, so in some ways it's good she's feeling it out early - but these conversations are (IMO) a crucial part of raising a daughter.

Softly softly….
when she says how fab it is that he just turns up… bit of a grimace and say “I think I’d find that a bit controlling… anyway: more tea?!”
Or when he doesn’t turn up just mention in passing “bit rude” and ask what she fancies doing instead…
hopefully they’ll split at different colleges.

Personally, I would just be there for her. When he cancels plans or doesn’t turn up then encourage her to still go out with friends and have a good night. The moment you talk to her the moment she will shut down and say she wants to be with him.
When she says he has just turned up to surprise her, say how nice, did you invite him or how did your friends feel about it? Try do it all discreetly that way she’s still open with you without being annoyed with you.

When she says he has just turned up to surprise her, say how nice, did you invite him or how did your friends feel about it? Try do it all discreetly that way she’s still open with you without being annoyed with you.

This is better that what I said. Say this.

I'm in the minority but it's weird to me to suggest that you pretend you think it's fine and say 'how nice' with a throwaway comment or question.

Does no one have a trusting relationship with their teenager, as opposed to the default being refusing to listen and a battle for control? Could no one just say they were honestly concerned because this guy has been in trouble with the police and has also randomly mentioned hurting her?

There's a difference between an honest conversation and an 'I forbid you to see him' power struggle.

I'd be praying that it fizzles out but ime g
if I gave my honest opinion then my teens are likely to do the opposite.

I wouldn't say "I think you should break up with whats-his-name" but I absolutely would say "I don't think that his behaviour is fair, because...." and explain truthfully about controlling, manipulative and coercive relationships, and that there are some signs of this already.

Cancelling at the last second, standing her up and just turning up unannounced to occasions he wasn't invited to certainly do ring alarm bells.

Don't tell her what you think she should do, but let her know you have your beady eye on him.

I'll try to gently ask how her friends feel when he turns up as I already know she likes it, sees it as him being caring but I'm not sure how her friends feel
I just hate seeing her upset when he cancels their plans. Happened again this afternoon.
I'm really hoping that September will come and the whole thing will end. Regardless of if it ends or not I'm going to have to have another conversation about controlling behaviour which we did talk about the other day as it came up on an episode of SVU.
My sister is in a similar marriage and my parents never tried to talk her out of it for fear of pushing her closer to him so I'm worried about saying nothing.
Gently is probably best approach.

What a nightmare! DH has just kicked boyfriend out of the house. Tbf he was being an absolute prick.
Not to DD but to us. Absolutely slaging us off for not owning the house, about having never been in a charity shop because his parents worked too hard for him to go that low, about not having a dishwasher.
Okay we don't have loads of money but we bloody work hard and my parents had money (own their own house) but we don't. So just because his parents are rich and can afford a house doesn't mean he will.
Anyway both of us were pissed off but when he accused my husband of giving him death stares since meeting DD and how he might beat my husband up it pushed DH over the edge.
At least we have managed to ensure our kids have never ended up in trouble with the police.
DD is upset he got kicked out but absolutely understands why as she was also upset.
Her boyfriend did apologise to her but not us. I know I shouldn't care but to be spoken to like that by a 16 year old in my own home (not my house because as he pointed out TWICE we don't own the house) was unbelievable.
Sorry but I'm really upset and pissed off. Not banned her from seeing him but DH has banned him from the house.
I suspect he'd been drinking but even so.
Right decision?

Little twat. Between this and them going different colleges now it's bound to fizzle out soon.