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Original poster

Bad people who go on to have good lives

46 replies

Mooshamoo · 26/08/2022 18:03

I was violently sexually assaulted at a house party when I was in my early twenties. He really enjoyed hurting me. He was a cruel man. I lived in a small town, and he was a man that came from a much richer and more affluential family than me.

He was better connected in the town than I was. For example, his father was an important man in the town, with many good connections, whereas I grew up in a single parent family, with no father. Which is probably why he chose me to do it to.
I knew that if I charged him, he would have a lot of people protecting him.

He was a bad man, I heard through the grapevine that he sexually assaulted other women too. That he physically assaulted women too. That he enjoyed physically hurting women.

I did strongly consider charging him at the time, but my family talked me out of it, (with good intentions) as they didn't think that I would be successful in charging him, and they thought that if I charged him and failed - my name would be ruined in the small town.

I never charged him, but rumours of what happened did get around, and his friends did make my life unbearable in that small town, for example one of his friends worked in a pub and if i went in, he would just refuse to serve me, so i couldnt go into that pub, so i ended up having to move away from that town anyway.

Which is terribly sad isnt it, - but the girl often gets blamed.
I went to therapy after it happened for two years.

This was a long time ago now, maybe ten years ago. And Ive gotten over it mostly.

I briefly looked up the man who did it, recently. He has an amazing life, he is a CEO of a multinational company, he is very rich, he has a beautiful wife. Its annoying, but often really bad people go on to have great lives dont they. I think - why do bad people get to go on and have great lives, its so unfair. But I guess anyone can go on and have a good life really. I dont want advice, Im more just thinking out loud, musing! Bad people go on to have great lives. Maybe alot of us have looked up someone who hurt us in the past, and been annoyed at how good their life is?

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 26/08/2022 18:34

What's with the influx lately of incel/MRA posters with explicitly feminine usernames? Did someone make fun of the twats on a forum for punters again?

JustForThisThread8 · 26/08/2022 18:36

@Mooshamoo

Don't worry about the posters who for whatever reason are derailing your thread. You came on here for a reason and don't lose sight of that because someone wants to turn your attention away. Just focus on what you need.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 26/08/2022 18:37

Prince Andrew might not fall into the same category as the man you are talking about
@Mooshamoo, but he has at last, and at least, met some sort of comeuppance. It is late in the day for him, and unfortunately members of his family are having to suffer some of the consequences too, but just because your attacker seems to be doing ok on the surface, at the moment, all may not be as it seems.

Please, if at all possible, and with the continued help of a therapist, try to put this horrendous part of your life behind you as much as possible. I know that what I am saying isn't easy, but if you can garner help from as many places as possible - including Mumsnet, there are some very wise members on here - I know that you deserve the rest of your life to be mainly good, and even great, and I truly believe that from what you have told us already, you are definitely both strong and persevering enough, to achieve the life you deserve ❤️

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/08/2022 18:38

It's not universal but if a bad person has confidence, no fear and a socially dominant personality then their morals will be no barrier to success. Others will be attracted to them (friends and partners) because their dominance and success can bring benefits by association.

I wish the world valued different qualities sometimes.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 26/08/2022 18:47

moofolk · 26/08/2022 18:27

Apart from all of the things that you mentioned in your OP being grossly unfair, eg the inequalities due to his pre existing status in town, the sad fact that perpetrators get away with things and victims get blamed, communities and police not really knowing how to deal with sexual assault, and society's general sexism and disregard for women, I think there's something else in here.

Cruel people are often cunning, ambitious, and callous. A capitalist society rewards men like this. Especially ones who were also born into privilege. It also gives them a sense not only of entitlement, but also that people generally end up where they belong; some do well because they're strong, others are treated poorly because they are weak. This then dehumanises the weak and means they can be treated badly.

TL/DR: it's the capitalist patriarchy. As always.

And it's shitty to see your abuser do well while you're still carrying the pain. It's not your fault, but do what you can to move past it.

FlowersFlowers

Thank you for the very interesting post. This is what I wanted to talk about. Yes there is definitely a sense of entitlement there. Maybe more so in some men that are born into a lot of privilege.

And also attributes that are valued a lot in todays society, like being cold, callous ambitious, macho, hard, that can get some people to the top of a career, can also be reflected in how some of these men are with women. Being tough, cold, successful and maybe callous is sometimes celebrated. It is definitely reflected in society. Its interesting. This kind of society has affected us all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooshamoo · 26/08/2022 18:49

JustForThisThread8 · 26/08/2022 18:36

@Mooshamoo

Don't worry about the posters who for whatever reason are derailing your thread. You came on here for a reason and don't lose sight of that because someone wants to turn your attention away. Just focus on what you need.

Wow. Every second post has been deleted. Thanks to the people that reported them.

I was just annoyed because every person saying "its my fault", was detracting from the other posters on here, who were actually engaging in a very interesting and intelligent discsussion. Hopefully those posters are gone now. And we can have a discussion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooshamoo · 26/08/2022 18:50

Yes, I think that men who display cold, callous, ambitious traits often get to the top of society.
Society rewards them for displaying those kind of attributes.

OP posts:
TheLadyofShalott1 · 26/08/2022 18:51

Sorry @Mooshamoo rereading what I just said, I meant that you deserve all of the rest of your life to be good, even great - I used the word "mainly" because whatever any of us may or may not deserve, we cannot expect the rest of our lives be totally good or totally bad! I hope I haven't confused you, or anyone else reading this, more thanmy first reply to you did! xx

Greengagesnfennel · 26/08/2022 18:52

JustForThisThread8 · 26/08/2022 18:20

I'm sorry that happened to you. I know what you mean, and although the circumstances of my situation were different the feelings sound the same. I think I became quite consumed with anger at the unfairness for quite a long time, and looking back I wonder if that anger did as much damage as the person who caused it did.

I've did some reading since then, and counselling, and contemplating and after I got over my voodoo doll phase (exaggerating but I did feel like it). I realised all I had in life to keep myself constant company was myself. I don't believe in religion, and I don't believe in karma, but I do believe in liking yourself, truly liking who you are.

You hear of so many people who are externally successful struggling and at the root it is because their is something about themselves they are not comfortable with. I am not saying that they are bad, what I am saying is I am an extremely fortunate person, because of how I feel about myself. And that is enough for me now. There is nothing there wheen I think of it, no emotion, no nothing. All my emotion is on my family, my friends and myself.

Anyway I do not believe that man likes himself, and he can never take a break from it. What I believe might sound like rubbish to some, but it gets me through the day and keeps me healthier.

Again, I am so sorry it happened to you. It shouldn't have, it wasn't what was supposed to happen and it changed the path of your life. It will always define you in some way, I believe it will define you in more positive ways than you can imagine. It takes work to get there, you have already achieved so much, you are the successful one, and you are the one who will reap the rewards of being who you are. Just like he will.

I would take being you over being him, any time and any day.

I think this too.

Heaven and hell are like states of being on earth and this man does not even know how bad a life he is living.

Being a CEO of a multinational looks like a pretty shitty existence to me. Ours joins mind numbingly boring meetings at 4am his time saying he only needs 4h sleep a day. (Works all day)

As per the book "crime and punishment" I do believe that, even if he's buried his conscience, somewhere in there it will be taking a little bit of happiness away every day.

You sound very strong in your posts. Well done you.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 26/08/2022 18:53

TheLadyofShalott1 · 26/08/2022 18:51

Sorry @Mooshamoo rereading what I just said, I meant that you deserve all of the rest of your life to be good, even great - I used the word "mainly" because whatever any of us may or may not deserve, we cannot expect the rest of our lives be totally good or totally bad! I hope I haven't confused you, or anyone else reading this, more thanmy first reply to you did! xx

Not at all. Thanks for your kind reply. I appreciate it.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 26/08/2022 18:53

I get it OP.

The man who raped and abused me is now a successful senior developer for an energy company. He earns big bucks. Married with two children. I'm angry he's happy, really angry.

I feel desperately sad for his poor wife who I honestly think has no idea who the man she married really is. I can only hope his son turns out to be a better man than his evil father is and his daughter is never treated the way he treated women himself.

AnnaFri · 26/08/2022 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 26/08/2022 18:56

TidyDancer · 26/08/2022 18:53

I get it OP.

The man who raped and abused me is now a successful senior developer for an energy company. He earns big bucks. Married with two children. I'm angry he's happy, really angry.

I feel desperately sad for his poor wife who I honestly think has no idea who the man she married really is. I can only hope his son turns out to be a better man than his evil father is and his daughter is never treated the way he treated women himself.

Thanks for sharing that Tinydancer.

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 26/08/2022 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I'd say you're pretty good at it...Anna.

ReneBumsWombats · 26/08/2022 19:00

(Thank you to whoever reported him.)

Shaaameless · 26/08/2022 19:00

It’s never too late to report it OP. He’s probably abused many people over time, & more than likely still at it. It may be your word against his but someone else may have reported him & been told the same. Should you report it they would contact that person, & you’d have a case. Although I understand that you may not want to.

Coldilox · 26/08/2022 19:03

I’m sorry OP. My rapist appears to have a pretty nice life too - family, kids, very successful.

its taken a while but I have learned not to give it headspace. If I think about it, I am thinking about him, and I don’t want him in my head. He’s not my concern anymore. I have a pretty nice life too, I have a wonderful wife, a gorgeous child, a job I enjoy, a nice house. I’m happy, I have no idea if he is and I don’t care. He doesn’t have permission to be in my head anymore.

Its taken a fair amount of therapy but I got there. I can’t tell you how really - it’s a process and I imagine it’s different for everybody. But it is possible and I hope you find your way there too.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 26/08/2022 19:05

Shaaameless · 26/08/2022 19:00

It’s never too late to report it OP. He’s probably abused many people over time, & more than likely still at it. It may be your word against his but someone else may have reported him & been told the same. Should you report it they would contact that person, & you’d have a case. Although I understand that you may not want to.

Thanks for that. Its hard, because if I knew I would deifinitely succeed, I would.

But I think that the whole process is so mentally damaging for the woman. I would have to go through so much stress and mental pain if I reported him, I dont think I would be mentally able for it at this stage. Ive heard so many stories of women being belittled in court, and lawyers calling them a liar. I dont think I would be able for it.

I am definitely so proud of any woman who has charged their rapist, it is a very difficult and courageous thing to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooshamoo · 26/08/2022 19:08

Coldilox · 26/08/2022 19:03

I’m sorry OP. My rapist appears to have a pretty nice life too - family, kids, very successful.

its taken a while but I have learned not to give it headspace. If I think about it, I am thinking about him, and I don’t want him in my head. He’s not my concern anymore. I have a pretty nice life too, I have a wonderful wife, a gorgeous child, a job I enjoy, a nice house. I’m happy, I have no idea if he is and I don’t care. He doesn’t have permission to be in my head anymore.

Its taken a fair amount of therapy but I got there. I can’t tell you how really - it’s a process and I imagine it’s different for everybody. But it is possible and I hope you find your way there too.

It's great that you went on to have a good life. Yes I got a lot of therapy at the time.

Its so long ago now, that it actually doesnt cause me any emotional pain anymore. Thank God. Because it hurt me very badly right after it happened.

I just still think about it the odd time. More in a philosophical way. In general. You know - how men like this, who are aggressive, cold, privileged, often go on and succeed in society.

It says a lot about society.

OP posts:
QueenBodicea · 26/08/2022 19:30

I once attended a course on Emotional Intelligence and the trainer said that the role of CEO, compared to other roles/careers, has one of the greatest percentage of psychopaths....

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 26/08/2022 20:04

QueenBodicea · 26/08/2022 19:30

I once attended a course on Emotional Intelligence and the trainer said that the role of CEO, compared to other roles/careers, has one of the greatest percentage of psychopaths....

Thats very interesting.

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