Other children being mean to DC

[MaryQueenofScots19]

Sorry, I did post in chat but haven’t had any replies, just looking for advice really.

DC goes to a small prep school which takes 3-6 year olds. Pretty much everyone goes to a small back afterwards.

DC isn’t shy, quite confident but isn’t at all mean.

last year I didn’t notice much as I think they were all too young or the ones I knew were. Over the summer and this term I’ve noticed there’s been a change and 2 who were previously quite friendly with DC have become really not very nice I’m sorry to say. Not to DC that I knew until today but today 3 of them were running a way from DC calling them a baddie and telling DC they couldn’t and physically stopping them going into the play castle thing in the park, pushing him and then all physically holding the door shut (I’ve seen them doing this to other children in various play settings a few times over the summer.

Then one of the trio whom I don’t know awfully well (incidentally know the father who is odious, but that’s another story!). Starts hitting DC in the face with a stick. Obviously I went over at that point and ask him to stop (Dad nowhere to be seen).

It was so awful to witness 💔, DC is my eldest and it is the first time I’ve witnessed this it felt like really bullying. What do you do in these situations?

Hard to say. It’s horrible when you witness this sort of thing but honestly, pretty much all children behave like this towards other children at various times (usually not targeted at one particular child, or at least not for more than one break time). Sometimes it’s part of a game and they need an adult to tell them that’s not ok. It may or may not be “a thing”. How did your child react to it? The hitting with stick is not acceptable at all and parent should be watching and correcting - failing that, yeah, you tell the child yourself! (Teacher btw)

Spoke to DH just now and the elder one DH said he has seen being mean to DC over summer there were a few families at a play thing I was ordering food so didn’t see but noticed when I came back out DC was quiet and wanted to go off and do something with my DH on their own - this was why.

this is the thing the parents are nice of the two I know but are so liberal they don’t even watch them. I like to give DC freedom and be liberal but I always try to have eyes and or ears on them. These parents don’t.

yeah the stick thing is bang out of order. Something happened in school on the second to last day of term. With DC being hit in the eye (99% convinced on purpose from what DC told me) The child was leaving and it was also a big presentation for two lovely teachers leaving and we didn’t feel like we could/should say anything.

@Stellaroses they are just bringing being aware that it is not making them feel very nice , I heard them keep saying ‘hey I’m not a baddie it’s just me DC’s name’ 💔😰😰😰

That's heartbreaking! I'm sure you do but telling them how valued they are and that the other children's behaviour is wrong etc could help. I've started with my kids, building them up to feel good about themselves whilst also explaining in young kids terms what behaviour they shouldn't put up with, if it's really bothering you speak to the parents, keep it polite but just say you're concerned. I'd want to know if one of my kids were being cruel to another child. Hope your little one is okay!

As a pp said call children seem to do this at some point unfortunately. DS8 today said a child at holiday club was calling him ‘penguin poo’ today. I just said that boy is very silly and to ignore him.

He had another occasion at school before the summer too where a girl was calling him a dumbo apparently and deliberately banging into him (he only told me this once the holidays had started)! I said if it’s starts in sept to tell me and the teacher but to also say to the girl ‘you’re rude’ and walk off, he was worried about getting in trouble but I told
him he’s just stating a fact she is rude

I think you just have to give them ways to stick up for themselves without personal comments being made to the silly child

Thanks @CheshireDing just wondering what you do when you actually see other kids doing it, do you call it out, speak to the parents or just remove your child from the situation?

I've grown up teens now, but when someone is attacking your child, your heart breaks, even if you know it's just part of dealing with others.
Ideally I would wait a second to see how child dealt with things, ( this would feel like a lifetime) but then if I thought things weren't resolving themselves I would probably call my child away with an excuse. I'd then ask them what had happened and talk about it together away from the other children.

Mary I totally call them out on it directly to the child and I am not very gentle about it ! 🤷‍♀️ As I read on here once ‘you are the advocate for your child’ (they need you to stick up for them sometimes)

Even if the parent is in earshot and they have not pulled their child up on it I absolutely would. The parent can’t complain to you, as what would they be complaining about ? Their child was rude/mean etc.

I would prob say something like ‘that’s a mean thing to say’ or ‘that’s not a very nice thing to say’ and project a strict teacher voice. If the tone is right it definitely makes them stop for a minute. Small Children understand ‘mean’ better than ‘rude’ I reckon.

if it was a teenager then I would be using the mumsnet phrase ‘did you mean to be so rude?’

I’d go in with the full parent/helper at school voice, especially if you know their name. ‘X, why are you hitting Y?’ Loud and clear so hopefully the parent hears or at least other parents do. If parent is not happy, be calm but firm with them as well. I did this with a child who kicked mine down a little slide at ikea. Mine wasn’t messing about at the top at all - I watched him climb up, sit down, push off straightaway- but she slammed her feet into his back very deliberately. Mine was 3, she was about 5. I was pretty certain who her parents were so I treated them to a loud ‘Why did you kick him? Why did you do that?’ They stood around awkwardly until we’d left. Then I heard her getting a telling off, but if mine had done that he would have been made to apologise. If they’d had a go at me I would have responded firmly.

At the point they were holding the gate against your DS I would have gone up and told them it's not a nice game if it leaves someone out I think we need to play a different game now where everyone can join in. If they carried on I would remove my child from the play area and do something else

Same thing happened again yesterday. With the two main protagonists, another parent as them to got the before me and asked them to get out the castle as their DC wanted a turn now. I think they knew what was happening. So it’s clearly a thing. Again other parents nowhere to be seen.

So awful as the main child we are very, very friendly socially with the family.

I think something else must have happened that I perhaps didn’t see I was reloading bags at one point. As I sort of bundled DC out and DF of child above sort of said I halfhearted bye and mentioned some future arrangement we have but he looked really uncomfortable and it was super awkward. I’m going to have to say something aren’t I.