To think I’ll never know what’s making me unhappy?

[DontWantToFeelLikeThis]

I’d like to preface by saying that I really don’t want to feel like this. I feel like I’ve hit an absolute brick wall and wish I hadn’t opened Pandora’s box.

already concerned about this being a bit outing, but not much I can do about that.

I’m 37 and live a very charmed life with my 5 year old daughter and a husband who would do anything for me. I cannot stress the extent to which I have everything I could possibly ever have dreamed of. He’s a very good man: kind, hardworking and absolutely adores our son. I know he loves me too. We’ve been together for about 10 years. Never argue, neither of us are particularly dramatic. If I’m truly honest, I absolutely adore him but I’m not ‘in love’ with him. There has never been much physical chemistry, but lots of emotional chemistry. We laugh a lot and have fun together. I didn’t think this was a problem until recently to be honest.

I had a difficult upbringing in the sense that I was raised by an alcohol mother who absolutely despised me. She was violent and aggressive and ripped my self esteem to shreds. My sister died in her early 20’s leaving behind her toddler. I cared for her until her death and I haven’t seen her child since. This was exceptionally painful but I have come to terms with it. A few months after my sisters death, I went to Uni. I met the absolute love of my life to be honest. We entered into a ‘casual relationship’, he was a few years older and it was intense. No drama, but lots of affection and he brought me to life. I have since never met anyone like him. We continued seeing each other on and off for about 5 years (we didn’t sleep together for 3 of those years which was his choice). On reflection I was a bit of a people pleaser back then, I didn’t tell him how I felt and I was a very closed book. I could never really tell how he felt, sometimes I felt he was hinting at wanting more but I didn’t want to risk losing him altogether by telling the truth. He didn’t know about my childhood, only that I didn’t get on with my mum. I wish I’d been more honest.

anyway. We now run businesses in the same sector. Bumped into each other and went for a drink. Nothing happened but he my mind is consumed with thoughts of him. I’ve never had therapy because frankly I’ve been lucky enough to never suffer with my mental health. I’ve read that traumatic childhoods can perversely cause you to almost get a thrill from uncertainty and , well, my husband isn’t the type of man to play games so I never experience that. Feel so sad writing that, he doesn’t deserve this.

ultimately, I know I’m being unreasonable but old flame is literally indescribable to me. He never messed me around or treated me badly but there was never a relationship! What am I doing? Why does he feel like ‘home’?? I love my son with every fibre of my being and the greatest achievement of my life is that he is secure and happy and loved. I’d never jeopardise that. But fuck. Why does this man make me feel complete?

I sincerely apologise for how I am coming across. I am not as selfish as I sound.

Excuse typos! Initially I was going to swap ‘son’ with ‘daughter’ so it wasn’t too outing and then forgot some 3 seconds later 😂

It sounds like you love him. Why did the relationship never happen properly?

You love the wrong one and deep down you know it’s a choice between giving up what you have now and risking it all for the old flame OR submitting to a lifetime of what ifs and if onlys whilst never being truly happy.

I don’t envy you, ultimately you choose which path to walk at these crossroads.

Me? I’d stick with the ‘outwardly perfect’ life.

You know the answers to what you are asking. You were young, with your adolescent brain (brain is plastic and developing to 25 years+ and a lot of experiences feel heightened). And the relationship you had wasn’t real in many respects. He didn’t fully commit, you had parts of your life hidden and you were young. It will have felt exciting, hell, it was exciting. it may have affirmed your inbuilt attachment in that it was not secure and it wasn’t certain. Do you could weirdly have felt validated.

You won’t be the first person who sensibly had kids and settled down with someone secure and worthy of that. Your bond sounds really good and you actually have shown great judgment in following up with this guy. Coming out of full on mummy mode is often a strange time. You’re not sure who you are and you need to find your identity again. Got loads of friends who yearned at this stage for more exciting youthful times. Bit the ones who came through it and committed to their secure partners have really nice lives now and their kids are happy.

i hope you find your way.

I know I do. We were young and carefree and did the ‘no strings attached’ thing. On reflection I wasn’t equipped for that kind of intimacy really. I mean this honestly, he was out of my league. As I said, I often thought he was hinting at more but I never challenged it. I don’t know why. All I know is that we had a lot of fun together and there was a great deal of affection and a connection I’ve never felt before.

i had a very close group of friends but he was the first person I ever felt love from. It was an absolutely life changing experience. I broke off our friendship by telling him that I couldn’t do it anymore because I loved him and had started seeing someone. When I saw him last week, he said he was really sad about that at the time and that it was a surprise to him because I’d “always played it so cool”.

You sound lovely. Childhood trauma affects the way your brain develops. This man came into your life at a time of great pain and sadness. He was the anchor for you and the relationship made you feel secure at a time of enormous change and fear. He was a constant and comfort. Your young brain was in turmoil and his affection and security helped settle and heal. No wonder you feel the way you do. I think you need to try and be a bit more objective about that. Yes, life has moved on and yes, you are no longer as vulnerable but this isn’t a rational reaction, it’s an emotional one. Try to recognise those emotions, be thankful that you had him at that time and that his love helped build the capacity for your life now where you are able to enjoy a drama free life with a good man and your lovely child. Thank goodness you had him because he’s helped you in your path. He’s not your future but a wonderful past. I wish you the best going forward.

You have gone through a lot of trauma and although you say you've never suffered with your mental health, deep down there is a lot of unresolved pain there. There's a book called The Body Keeps The Score - all about this sort of thing.

No one can tell you what to do but I would recommend taking time to explore the traumatic events you've described with a counsellor before making any irreversible life decisions.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.

i think you would benefit from therapy to help you with the issues you mention about your mother and the death of your sister. Children of alcoholic parents rarely escape without issues. When a child isn’t loved unconditionally it cannot do anything other than cause trauma to the child.
The grass can look greener - it rarely is. No decent man would have an relationship with a married woman. It’s a betrayal of the highest order.
Look to your marriage. Put things in place to enhance your relationship with your husband. He clearly loves you and you must love him to stay in the relationship for such a long time. Break off contact with this man. That life is gone.
Please please get some proper therapy with a qualified psychologist who does family dynamic therapy. It will help you, it will help your marriage. I know this because I’ve seen it in my DH. Not alcoholic father - something else but never feels good enough or deserving. All things coming though in your post.
You are trying to rationalize and justify. But just concentrate on your marriage and some healing from the emotional scars of your Mums behavior towards you.

Your reason for not having therapy is pretty dubious

Do you think only those with mental health concerns go to therapy?

Therapy is exactly what you need

Thank you so much for the kind responses, I really appreciate it.
im definitely going to order that book.
Annafri - sorry, I worded that clumsily and it sounded offensive. Perhaps I should have said that I always felt ‘on top’ of everything and felt that therapy would be a case of going searching/unearthing things that might jeopardise that.

This sounds exactly like limerance, it's really normal for people with you sort of childhood (I've experienced it myself).

Please check out the Crappy Childhood Fairy on youtube, your post sounds almost word for word like the letters she reads out. She's been there and her advice is amazing.

I wish you all the best and I really feel for you.

Thank you, I will have a look at those videos. I’m sorry you can relate to this.

Ive read about limerance but it’s not that. I know it’s irrational but it feels uncontrollable. As I mentioned, we run businesses in the same sector and if there wasn’t the history, there would be some unreal mutually beneficial partnerships to broker here. I actually knew nothing of him until our paths unexpectedly crossed - he doesn’t use social media and his name is quite common.

I feel very different from the person I was when I knew him but he’s just as he always was. Life is a strange old thing.

It's definitely limerance & when you finally come out of it, you'll realise.

Sounds like limerance to me too.

I have a similar childhood, and therapy has been paramount. If therapy makes you nervous because of what it may unearth, it probably means you need to do it sooner rather than later. Sending you a big hug.

If this old flame were the love of your life you'd still be together. You have built upthis psuedo-relationship to mythical levels in your mind, but it was never substantial and it never will be. You met him at a very vulnerable time in your life and he actually made you feel good for once, and that's very powerful, but it doesn't mean you had something special with him. You have fallen down the limerance/fantasy rabbit hole and you'll destroy your marriage if you don't deal with this, and I say this gently, get a grip.

This is exactly what I came on here to say. Therapy is the one thing you clearly need after your early life.

I think having therapy is a good idea, and brave, but in my life I've seen about a dozen and the vast majority just sit there like lemons and let me rabbit on, even when I've asked them not to.

I've made infinitely more progress with self-help books and journalling, and these days especially with videos such as Crappy Childhood Fairy, mentioned above, plus others who talk about childhood abuse/neglect/narcissism and all the rest. I feel freed now. (careful though or you can get stuck in 'healing mode' for too long)

I felt very much like you OP, at least twice during my long marriage. The last one contributed to my marriage ending, which I regret every day. Now I look back and it's like I was drunk or high.

I thought it would be the love that "makes it all better", we're essentially looking for what we needed from parents.