Am i being a brat, or am i justified?

[shouldntbeonhereagain]

I know life is really bad for many people particularly at the moment, and many have it much worse than me.
Having said that, I just want to understand If how I am feeling is justified, or if I have become a princess ! We have four kids 10,8,6 and 3. We have no family or domestic help or childcare. My husband works from home and travels away in UK for a couple of nights every 2 weeks for work. This summer, he had a grand total of 3 days off and we went camping, and i got poorly. His mum has come to stay for the weekend, but he was working. No holiday as we cant afford it. He did an extra day’s work,which was helpful, and gave me £250 to pay for the holiday expenses. I am so fed up and tired of constantly making picnics /sorting squabbles /walking the dog with kids who don’t listen -over and over and over. I literally thi knof the day as 13 hours of me and the kids all day everyday untill saturday afternoon when he is around. Evenings are eat tv bed. i know i am lucky to be at home, but really am struggling to stay motivated. There is only so much you can do for free, or that is quiet when you are in the house (husband on calls amd needs peace) I just feel so unappreciated and utterly defeated. I feel like i used all my energy on homeschooling the 3 older ones with a young baby that now I really just cant find the reserves i could before. Everything is making me resentful and angry toward my H. Hes out on a run now, whilst I am hiding from screaming kids again. I do get to exercise at a couple of classes a week when he is not travelling. I know its not his fault but i feel he just has NO idea why i m such a grumpy cow… Am i being a brat?!

I think that the unreasonable thing was deciding to have four child when you don’t have family help or lots of money.

Sorry but I think this was foreseeable and you will have to grit your teeth and just get through it one day at a time.

Its finny as ive been umming and aaahing (sp?!) about GP for a while. Sort of hovering

over the button so to speak. But i guess, as ohrers have siad upthread, I am ,on paper, living the dream. It feels faintly ridiculous seeking medical help for what is essentially a middle class lifestlye predicament!

Sorry if I've missed it but is your DH self-employed? If not then why isn't he taking any leave during summer holidays?

There is nothing even remotely ridiculous about seeking support when you're struggling, OP. Middle class people get depressed too!

As for people saying that you're living the dream...well, it might be their dream, but it clearly isn't working for you at the moment. And it isn't a dream at all if you're not happy.

It sounds to me like you're telling yourself that you're lucky and therefore you don't feel entitled to be unhappy or deserving of support. However, even if you don't feel that you owe it to yourself to get help, perhaps it might help to realise that you owe it to your kids as well. They will not be as happy as they could be if their mum is miserable and unfulfilled.

Just go and talk to your GP. Try to make connections in order to reduce the sense of isolation. And start planning ahead for some sort of return to work when the time is right. You don't have to be a martyr to your family. You have the right to be happy and to enjoy life.

I would defo wait til school is back in session to make any decisons, but i think that if your husband is working such terrible hours and is never around, but you still can't afford a holiday... that's not worth it. He needs a new job, maybe take a pay cut but be there when he is needed to give you proper breaks.

In addition to what others have said don't try and stay quiet at home because your DH is on calls. Home is home not work. If he can't work with household noise he needs to go to his office or a co-working space.

OP, I would add that my lovely mum was very depressed as a SAHP. She was bored and unfulfilled, and felt that she was wasting her many talents. At the same time, she felt guilty for not enjoying being a SAHP and for not feeling more grateful for her situation.

As a teenager, I wished that she would get help, and I wished that she would do more for herself. I didn't want to feel guilty about her disappointment in life. Now, she is in her late 70s, and her biggest regret is that she didn't do something to change the situation sooner.

You can still be a fantastic mum to your lovely kids while thinking about what you need in your own life to be happy. Nobody else will make it happen for you, though.

Does he have the option to go in to work?

I also don’t understand exactly what it is that your DH has done wrong here. Your situation seems to be a result of choices that presumably you both made. You seem to make a point of him going for a run, but you exercise too and exercise is good.

Sounds really tough op. The "just get a job" brigade can sod off - it sounds like finances are tight and the cost of wrap around childcare would cost more than the income you would bring in I.e. you would be paying to go to work (and when I say "you" I mean "your household" will have less money if you get a job). Unless you'd really enjoy working/feel it would be a break from the relentlessness of kids, it's not really a solution, is it? Same goes for those suggesting you jump in your time machine and go back and not have four kids...

Make contact with your gp, as it does sound like you're not seeing the light for the dark at the moment. It could be a situational depression (or burn out?) but it could still help to talk it through and come up with a plan. And don't add to your burden by beating yourself up about not enjoying "living the dream". You feel how you feel, and I'm sure a lot of people would struggle in the circumstances you describe. I know I would. I have 3 kids and recently thought I was going mad, then they went back to school (Scotland) and I honestly feel so much better.

Look after yourself op.

I would -

Go see the GP, you do sound depressed and stuck

Stop saying you are living the dream / lucky to be at home. It’s only lucky if you like it. Lots of people would fucking hate it. It sounds like you no longer like it. In the end looking after kids is a job and people get burnt out.

Have a long hard chat about things with your husband:

Are you getting equal amounts of time off? If he goes out for a run, what do you do. If it’s not equal he needs to step up.

How can you find a bit more cash. Are you overpaying on the mortgage for example or could you extend it? Can you ditch a car for a cheaper one?

Almost certainly you need to go back to work PT. Talk to him about how you will make this happen. For parents who both work when kids are pre school, often the costs of childcare make little sense, but they do it to keep two careers going, so look at it in that light - pay out now to earn more later.

Do not have any more kids! 4 would drive most people into an asylum, and it sounds like you have financially overstretched yourselves.

So what? You'd be out of the house, doing something other than childcare. The kids would be looked after, doing age appropriate activities in their relative settings.

Not earning 'extra' is a sacrifice most people make when they have small children, only you can say whether being able to work outside the home would be beneficial to your mental health.