Planned pregnancy with Ex

[SeaFlowers]

Hello everyone,
I have a strong wish to become a mother and I am already 30 years old. Because of medical reasons which I cannot disclose right now it is much better for me to get pregnant now. Also, I don't know how long and if I am going to be fertile in future. Chances are that 'my window' gonna end soon. Right now I am in a relationship with my partner, but we already know that it is going to end soon, because it is not working for us. I am thinking about other options such as sperm donation (really expensive) and private sperm donation. I brought the topic up and my until now partner said that we can have a child together as friends. My partner is willing to donate their sperm. In this scenario I would be a single mother, but anyways I am not going to date any men in the future, so the classical family model doesn't work for me. Either I will have a family with another woman or I will become a single mother and then get into another relationship with a woman. My parents support the idea of becoming a single mother. But I am not sure what effect it would have on my mental health to have a child with my Ex or the child itself. My partner said that they'll be there for the child and visit like once or twice a year. The role will be like one of a uncle which is fine with me. My partner said that they'll financially contribute as well. We didn't discuss everything although.
What do you think?

I think he's either a sperm donor or he's a dad and he can't just show up twice a year.

Think first about the child you are talking about creating. What do they need? What impact will your choices have on them? Can you foresee issues for a child (and later as a teen and then an adult, possibly a parent themselves) who has to live with having a biological father who pays for them but does not wish to be involved in their life other than twice-annual visits? If you go the route of sperm donation using a sperm bank, have you researched case studies of children created via sperm donation and the impact that this has had on their lives?

There's a lot to think about that you don't seem to be considering.

There have been recent studies showing that for a child the family constellation doesn't matter. What matters is the constant care and unconditional love of the caregiver(s). Recent studies are showing that children from single parents aren't more or less happy than in other family constellations.

@SeaFlowers on the other hand, I know just within my close circle of two people who have deep struggles, one as a result of an absent father who liked to show up on the odd occasion throughout her childhood (exactly as OP is proposing) and the other who doesn't know who her biological father is and struggles with her identity. I don't think it's helpful or respectful to deny people's lived experience and gloss over the fact that some people suffer massively. Even if most people born into situations like the OP is considering are happy and well adjusted, we certainly know that's not the case universally and it should be taken into consideration when creating a child.

Sorry, didn't clock that it was the OP I was responding to.

Just no. Sounds like an awful idea.

I wouldn’t want my child to have a dad who just visited once or twice a year. And conversely what happens if he subsequently meets someone else and decides he wants to play happy families and applies for equal custody?

Sounds more complicated than it’s worth tbh. I’s go with the sperm donor.

Is he offering because he actually wants to have a child/be a sperm donor or is he offering as he thinks it'll prolong your relationship and make you more likely to take him back?

If you have a child with him he will be entitled to apply for parental responsibility and potentially 50/50 contact should he choose to do so. He could be a competent co-parent who has a good, platonic working relationship with you or he could be your worst nightmare who undermines you at every turn and swoops in every other weekend with puppies and expensive gifts to make you look like the wicked witch of the west. He could be somewhere in between, he could be entirely absent. Who knows, but these are things to consider before having a baby with him.

If we question single motherhood then we should question parenting in general as well. At one point I will do it either way hopefully. It's good to take a reference by lived experience, but if studies are showing no general harm by single motherhood is a good sign. There are people in my circle who struggled with their parents as well even they were together. If we would only look at bad experience noone should get any children. In my opinion it's the best to look at the average experience and not individual cases.

They want to have a child and be a sperm donor. As they ended the relationship, I don't think it's a way of trying to get back in. However I'm not really sure as they are very inconsistent in their words compared to their actions.

Is freezing your eggs an option to carry a child later?

If not, this does sound like a good solution if you trust one another and want to be in each other’s lives forever.

You seem sure you’d be doing the right thing so I’m not sure what you’re asking. Can you afford to give a child a stable decent standard of living if he changes his mind about contributing?

I’d be interested in these recent studies you mention, who did them?

So there are a lot of questions you need answers to before doing this:

1. He says he will pay but what if he moves on and has a family of his own? He's unlikely to continue supporting you financially.

Could you afford it without his support?

1. Could you afford to live off savings and maternity pay?
2. If you become unwell during pregnancy/after birth, do you have any support?
3. Will you put him on the birth certificate?
4. He could have no relationship with this child but years down the line could go to court to try and take custody. Would you be able to accept that?
5. Do you have the space for a child?
6. Can you afford childcare? (We currently pay £500 per month for 2 days a week (for 1 of our children))

These are just the very basics you have to think about. I honestly wouldn't go into this with someone who you've got a failing relationship with.

We're not talking about single motherhood though are we? Single motherhood encapsulates a multitude of situations. We're talking specifically about either

A. making a conscious decision to create a child via sperm donation who you know will never know their biological father.

B. having a child with someone whose vague intention is to pay for them (hopefully) and perhaps see them twice a year.

It is true that almost every human who chooses to procreate does so for selfish reasons. Nobody can argue against that. But most of us do it with every intention of giving our kids a stable life with nurturing relationships with both parents - not a "dad" who turns up twice a year or is anonymous. No study is ever going to tell you that kids are happier when they don't know who their biological father is or they only see him a couple of times a year. Creating that life for your child out of choice is not comparable to the single mothers who have ended up in that situation despite their best efforts.

It was published by „European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology“. The study compared the wellbeing of children who grew up with single mothers of choice and traditional heterosexual couples. There were no differences found in the quality of the children-parent bond and the age appropriate development of the child.
The most important conclusions of the study were:

• the wellbeing of the children was same in both family models
• there were no significant differences in the emotional involvement as well as the stress level of the parents
• Single mother had build a better support system for themselves, were using it more and were demanding it more

One of the scientists of the study said that the assumption that it is not good for children to grow up without a father is based on studies on children who's parents got divorced or who have been inside parental conflicts. But according to her, the negative impact on the development of the child is caused by a problematic parent-child-relationship and not the absence of the father.

One of the scientists of the study said that the assumption that it is not good for children to grow up without a father is based on studies on children who's parents got divorced or who have been inside parental conflicts. But according to her, the negative impact on the development of the child is caused by a problematic parent-child-relationship and not the absence of the father.

I would say a parent who pops in every 6 months would be problematic rather than absent

Nobody on here can tell you what you should do in this situation. If the choice is between sperm donar or ex. Only you can decide that. Ideally you would wait to meet a new partner.

@Viviennemary
Except that OP says if she chooses another partner it will be a woman. Which makes a difference because she would still need a sperm donor to become a parent.

OP consider that if you go down the official sperm donor route then a future wife could adopt your child if that’s what you both wanted but if you have a child with your ex or a non-official sperm donor then you would need the father to abandon their parental responsibilities and give permission for your wife to adopt the child. Or something like that. Check the legal position where you’re living.

This. Unfair on child massively.